So anyway, I am kind of an asshole….

Here’s the thing about me.  I am kind of a dick. Wait, I don’t mean it that way.  Actually, yea I do.  Maybe I mean skeptical? Is that being a dick? Idunno.  At any rate. I figured that after posting about some of my potential suitors, it only made sense to follow up with some of the completely fucked up conversations that happen, so that you can really understand how why I am dedicating myself to the betterment of cats and therefore will be adopting 12 online dating works.

Now, I should preface this by saying, I just swipe right.  I am not going to read profiles ahead of time, I just swipe until I can’t swipe anymore.  And then I “match” with people like this:

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Look, in real life, if I was actually paying attention and not sedated blindly swiping, I would NEVER EVER swipe on a guy who has better boobs than me in four out of five of his pictures,  forgot to put a shirt on.  Because honestly, that is really fucking forgetful! But, alas, I do, and I end up with Jeff, the karate kid. Guarantee we have zero in common.  Including I don’t forget to wear shirts nearly as often as he does.

So anyway, the point being, now you know, I have no method in my “swipe” other than “Meh, go for it until you have carpel tunnel or run out of candidates.”

Which leads me to the messages I get.  Honest to fucking god, I do this to myself, because, (above) I am an asshole.

There was Andy.  The guy who totally didn’t use stock photos for his profile pictures, except, yes, yes he did.  He also said he went to Stanford,  (Man, I am so dumb sometimes, I should have asked him “Real quick, Andy, tell me! What is the Mascot?” because no one would guess it is the flying rabid pine trees.) but his grammar says otherwise.  Then, he wrote me a small biography on what he is doing now, INCLUDING, living in Africa, but not to worry, he has figured out the distance.  Only thing he needs is my SS#, DOB and bank routing # and we will be ret.to.go.

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So, as you can imagine, based off of shirtless Jeff and Africa Andy, I am feeling pretty fucking confident about my candidates! And letmetellyou, my ego was a boosted by this guy.  Who in ONE HOUR messaged me FOUR times AND told me I have a nice chin.

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lemmetellyou, nothing boosts the confidence the way that “Great chin btw” does.  Nothing.

But here is an example of one of the messages I had, that makes  me think to myself “Yolanda Squatpump (you don’t think I really refer to myself as “Nara” when I am talking to myself, how fucking lame would that be? I can be any name in the world when I am talking to myself, today I pick Yolanda Squatpump) you can’t rip on online dating and then do the below. It is not indicative of a princess, which you clearly are not are.

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So, there you have it. 24 hours in, and I am feeling pretty confident that Mr. Nara 2.0 is not anywhere close to the fucking interwebs and likely doesn’t have a computer in his prison cell due to spring up any time!

 

 

 

Why I will never online date, part 2. The good, the bad and the FUCK NO DO NOT COME NEAR ME

They say to not judge a book by its cover, but there is nothing said about not judging people by their online dating profile picture (let’s face it, they also say if you don’t have anything nice to say, and lookie lookie me).

There is some rule, like, the first picture may be bad, but you need to look at the first three.  Lemme tell you something. I am ridiculously judgmental, I  know if I don’t like you right away. I know that I don’t like the smell of dog shit on the first go around, no need to sniff 2 more times? So yes, I am a quick swiper. Before I dive into what I would refer to as “instano”, lemme outline for you what an online dating site looks like (I know, SOME of you may be blissfully married and only have that one secret Ashley Madison account not on dating sites).

So, the anatomy of a profile picture – Tinder. Now, I will start by saying, Tinder is weird to me all around.  That is actually a very bad statement, it should be “weirder than other sites.” If we were rating on a 1-10, the creepy factor is a solid 18. Anyhoo.

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Just sitting here, on this rock, like I always do.
  1. Please note, I had to download the app, because I am NOT shitting you, I will have 9058 cats before I online date again.
  2. OK, so you put your “best” picture here. Seen here, is a lovely fellow gazing off for his future wife.
  3. Name, age, occupation, etc.
  4. Down at the bottom are the “yup” and “fuck no” buttons as well as a “super like” – here is the thing, super like is very sensitive, and there have been plenty of times I accidentally hit it, then got a message like “Wow, thanks for the super like” and I had to be all “Sorry, I have pork chop fingers, didn’t mean it, but best of luck to you, I am sure you will do great on here.”
  5. The obligatory spelling error

Supplemented with a little bit of POF. To be honest, all of these sites are the same exact thing, there is not one that you are like “HERE HE IS! IT IS MR NARA #2” (Pause real quick… I say “Mr. Nara #2” quite a bit, like I will actually get married again, however, the reality of me finding someone who understands that they can come MAYBE in the top 50 things I give a shit about, are slim…. They need to understand that they would come after: My critters, my family, my friends, my work, my eating, my wine drinking, my Bravo TV watching.   You get it.)

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I responded to him and asked what a “Regert” was. Because I am an asshole.

Then you break it down a bit more…. Some of these sites encourage you to talk about a bit about yourself.  This guy and I could never date bc he already gave me a headache.  (Last line, “I am a lil choosey I suppose).  Fucker, that is not why you are single, it is because you all cap type.  People hate that. Which means they hate you.

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STOP WITH THE CAPS. NOW.

What? Just? Just what the fuck is he saying?

They say to be honest, this guy, well, he really did.  Love the purple hair, fyi.

 

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I love the “18 and counting!”

Oh, ok, I see, you are on a dating site because you want to go to the movies with someone because your partner from your open relationship doesn’t feel like going to a movie.  Absolutely. Sign me up. I am here looking for a pen pal.

OK, so you can see, the profile is really the place where these folks shine!  So, once you have breezed through that, you may want to check out a few extra photos they have, you know, doing something super fun, or whatever.  Remember folks, these are my “matches” I didn’t go hand-digging for these psychopaths with really strong future careers in modeling people…..

Some mathematical equation believes one of these gems is the next Mr. Nara.

Instant “Nope” #1

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Did you get this taken at JC Penny? Adore.

I feel like this guy would make me do Zumba and give up donuts. Instant “no”

Instant “Nope” #2

Who did this guy get to take this picture? Was he like “MA! Come take my profile picture for Tinder.” And was she all like “No, get up ON the dirty laundry. Perfect, now look casual.”

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Now act like you always sit like that.

Instant “Nope” #3

Can’t you just see me with this guy? It wouldn’t be awkward at all….I’d be like “LOVE your thong, now, what kind of tape do YOU use to keep everything in place? And where did you get that giant size machete?”

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I just can’t.

Instant “Nope” #4 (I suppose and 5?)

I’m sorry, the ONLY photo you had of yourself, was from your wedding in 1971? As a side note, I super liked this guy just for the fuck of it. Didn’t even blame meat fingers.

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SIGN ME UP!

 

Instant “Nope” #6? (I think, but I can’t count)

This next fellow really outlines what is wrong with these dating websites.  See, they  need to ask you more than like “What is your favorite color?”  They need to be like “Would you date a guy with an eye patch? Could you do it with a straight face?” I mean, let’s just be honest here people. I also love that it says we both love basketball… I am 5 foot 1. There is no basketball that I like. At all. And he, welp. Just.  Well, you know.

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No shit your kids live away from home…..  I would too!

Instant “Nope” #Eh, no idea, 9, 10, 4000

My favorite thing about this guy is his giant WEDDING RING.  Dude, at that point, just have your wife take it. Be all like “Listen honey, things have been a little rocky, would you mind snapping a few Tinder profile pics for me so that I don’t have to deal with mirror flash. Thanks, sweetie, love you.”

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Big fan of the shower curtain.

So, you can see, how I really consider myself to be one of the “lucky ones” who is “handpicking” next Mr. Nara.

Now. Some nopes:

Guys who do better back bends than I do

Guys who wear thongs

Guys who carry machetes

Guys who are married

Guys with eye patches.

And, our next blog posts…….  Did. You. Really. Send. That.  Followed by, the friends you need, and more importantly the friends you don’t need.