And on this day, cupid moved the rock and rose from the dead. Wait, no?

mature-cupid-fat-bearded-hairy-bow-heart-arrow-peace-sign-victory-his-hand-48936734I have been reminded quite a bit lately that I have not been blogging. And, ja know, it is true. It’s because I have mostly been snacking, drinking wine and shoveling. And petting my dog. Dear fuck I am a loser. So really, what better day to blog about my love life, than the day Cupid moved the rock and rose from the dead. Wait? Was that this holiday? What the actual fuck did cupid do?

Anyholla. I decided I wanted this blog to be two part (now, let’s see if my ADD allows for that). Part 1. How my incredibly busy dating life has been, and Part 2. My perfect online dating profile.

So, Part 1. The end. No, really. NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED.

Part 2. Lemme tell you married people something. It is REALLY HARD writing an online profile of yourself. You have to “sell” yourself. But thing is, when you are out of a marriage, you don’t always feel super fucking awesome about yourself. Especially when you have been dealt some of the blows I have. Actually even just one. Just get dealt one of mine. Not a gigantic confidence boost. (except the formers new lady, according to sources, looks just like me AND has the same last name. Creepy, or stalky?)

This is what my actual profile says (can’t make this up, but it’s not online now, because I am burnt out from fielding marriage requests from men 15 years younger than me and am just going to work on stalking yoga or something).

Me. Was married for 10 years, but decided online dating seemed more fun. Have a great job, beautiful home and 2 mini-me’s. I’m skeptical of online dating, but having trouble meeting “the one” when sitting at home watching Bravo TV.

You. Must love cheese, bacon, dogs and wine. Be gainfully employed and not live with mom. Be active but not a Spartan. If your profile says things like “Hit me up” or “LOL” I am already annoyed. Gentlemen who have already claimed to be “the one” for me, so you need not apply: someone who asked if I like being slapped with bacon (no), a stripper (like, current, CURRENT stripper), someone who faked a dead wife, someone who sat down upon first meeting and said “My wife went butch, you gunna too?” And many men who are not “technically” single. If you support Trump, I assure you, we are not going to get along.

I mean, that’s funny, right???? Well, seems as though “funny” is not a quality people look for anymore. It also seems as though people don’t like women who own a home and are employed. And eat bacon. And drink wine. Otherwise EVERYONE says “hit me up.” (oh shit, maybe that is why I am always annoyed).

Anyjolla, I decided that I would write what I think my perfect online dating profile would be. Ya know, like the shit you want to say, but don’t.

Me: I dunno, I’ll prolly put some of the stuff from above in, however, here is the real me, lets give it a go.

Was married for 10 years, but decided online dating seemed more fun. Have a great job, beautiful home and 2 mini-me’s. Had my heart aggressively trampled on, but still believe (ish) in happy endings. Want an equal in life. You work, I work, I cook, you do dishes. Want someone to share the great (sunny days at the beach) and not as great (3rd grade recorder concert) with. Want someone who checks their phone in the middle of the night to see if I said “hi” and if I didn’t, you say it, because ya know, you are thinking of me. Want “easy” in a hard world. What does that mean? You understand that my life is chaotic, and even if I am not the fastest to respond to texts, it doesn’t mean I am not thinking of you…. It means, life. You don’t ever ask for racy photos…. Why, because you respect me… And really, who the fuck does that?

You: Understand that I had a life before you, but still want a life with you. What does that mean? I have two people who rule my every being. I never would have guessed I could love going to third grade basketball games, and doing science projects, and reading Octonauts every.single.night. They are actual parts of me (not like my old art teacher who had a sixth finger on both hands, but you know what I mean). You understand that I am a work in progress. Sure, I want to go to the gym more, and be the prettiest, smartest, fastest, but I’m not. And I don’t. And I won’t. Because life. I don’t really watch TV, but always have music on. You should be overly comfortable with a nightly dance party. I don’t believe in electronics at the dinner table. Or lunch table. Or breakfast table. I am right here. But the phone down, I assure you, nothing happened on FaceBook.

So, there you have it, the profile I would like to post, but won’t, because, eh, imma hold out and hope I meet someone in the produce potato chip aisle.

 

 

 

Hot sexy date #2….

I kid.  Just me writing about our current presidential candidates.  Although that would be cute if I went on a date.  Because then I could blog about it, but I wouldn’t….. Kind of like the people who think I am either going to write about my divorce or my stalker…. Notahappenin.  Mostly bc I love when my stalker leaves me booze, so I don’t want to piss off him/her. And the court system says I shouldn’t write about my divorce, which is good, because I was LEGIT blacked out during most of it that would not be nice.

Focus people. I always have a certain level of curiosity of what celebrities are endorsing presidential candidates.  Why? Idunnno.  It isn’t like I am going to contribute to some cocktail party by being like “Oh, the election, did you know Britt Britt is endorsing Hillary?” OK, I might.  I think that part of my interest is when people claim to be total experts on something (insert when I quit Facebook because of Harambe the gorilla,  and everyone was a fucking gorilla expert.  RIP Harambe).

Anyway…. Now that we are down to the final 2, it seems like as good a time as ever to take a little lookie  at the lists, shall we?

On Team Hillary.

Bill Clinton.  Ok, why did that make me giggle?  Do you think that when he is campaigning for her he is ever like “My wife Monica, I mean, HILLARY, hahaha.”  I just ask because I get names fucked up all the time.  Not like he would have a reason to.

There then is a long list of current and future politicians who are endorsing her, and honestly, no one cares about it with the exception of these two.

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I love a good matching hat and pocket square combo.
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Well hello hello Gov, Sena… I have no idea who he is actually.

So then wikipedia breaks down supporters into a few more segments.  For example, Hilly is being endorsed by S. Daniel Abraham, the founder of Slim Fast.

She is also endorsed by basically all of the leaders of Airbnb but IMO that is a waste of an endorsement because, hello, she is not staying at an Airbnb.

Martha Stewart endorsed her, which makes sense because they have the same hair cut.

Russell Simmons endorsed her, but I wonder if Rev. Run did.

Corey Feldman endorsed HC.  I mean, I dunno if I would even want that one if I were running for el presendente.  Like “Thanks Corey, and ah, rehab is to your right.”

There are a TON of celebrities that endorsed her that I have never heard of.  Like, fucking ever.  I am pretty sure “GloZell” is not real.

Amy Schumer is on Team Hill.  Honestly, she is funny as fuck. Her HBO special made me pee my pants.  Twice.

In case you were not sure which way your vote was going, LiLo endorsed Hill.  Does she know that there is actually more than one choice? Is she old enough to vote? Does she drive Herbie to the polling station?

Oh shit. Next up “Athletes and Sports Figures.” This should be good.

God Damn,  first one up, Julia Clukey, a luger.  I could watch that shit all day.

Not gonna lie, Hilly doesn’t have too many athletes behind her….  That could be the swing vote. Oh, she has Hope Solo.  Isn’t she the one who beat up her husband? Allegedly of course.

Media Personalities – you can’t make this up…. Farrah Abraham…. The Teen Mom who takes it up the hoop? ON TV???? Good for her.  Not for where she let’s it go, but for letting us know who her vote is with.

Pandora Boxx (yes, 2 x’s). I don’t know who that is, but I don’t want to click on it because I don’t want the porn virus on my laptop and well, obvi.

Sally Jessy Raphael.  She is still alive????

Oh, here come some goodies…..  RuPaul, basically all of the Kardashians (because I am POSITIVE they vote), Victoria Gotti -Um, this is fucking fantastic because she was on Celebrity Apprentice.

From the “Voice Artists” she has “Foxygen, band.”  Like is, that how they actually vote? So they go to Abbott Hall and are like “First name Foxy, last name Band.”

She has Ja Rule and Ghostface Killah behind her.  Which is good as long as you can vote from prison.  She has some guy named “Rah Digga” which seems like something Farrah Abraham does in the bedroom.

Welp, Kanye is voting for her, so I am all set.  That guy annoys me.

Falling under “I can’t make this up” there is an advocacy group named “Hookers for Hillary”, so that is good.

OK, who is under Team Donald?  Let’s see.

OK, I am not going to be the one to state the obvious, but he doesn’t have quite as many politicians who support him. He has some guy named “Mike Crapo” Which made me giggle because I am a child. That is really it for politicians…. Remember that one guy who showed his dong on social media? Weinergate. I wonder who gets his vote.

He has this guy too, and I have no idea who he is, but I am currently obsessed with his hair

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Brush my hair and tell me I am pretty….

Under business people, he has Pete Coors, chairman of MillerCoors. So that is kind of big IMO.  Then he has this guy, who is about as decisive as my 5 year old… Kenneth Langone, co-founder of The Home Depot (previously endorsed Chris Christie then John Kasich.) Doesn’t seen like he has a ton of international support, but they are making a big deal of this…. Paula White, televangelist

Under Actors, he has Dean Cain… Superman?  That seems legit. He has Lou Ferrigno! No shit, he has Superman and The Hulk! This is like every 7 year olds dream!

He has this list, which…. .Which…..

Eva Lovia (es), pornographic actress and stripper.  Amy Lindsay, actress and former softcore pornographic film performer. Brandi Love, adult model and pornographic actress.  Do you think that is really her name?

Well, I’ll be darned. He gets Caitlyn Jenner.  I would not have guessed that. Oh, and Curt Schilling (well, sure). Well shit, he has Don King…. And some guy who is the coach of the “Washington State Cougars” falling under “can’t make this up” He has basically all of NASCAR and Hulk Hogan, so that is really, really good. He gets Sexy Rexy!  Things are really shaping up for Trump here. Between team porn and SexyRexy areyoukiddingme?!

Under Commentators and writers he has Yong Muk Han, China-based Korean scholar and  Liangliang He, anchor on Hong Kong–based Mandarin and Cantonese-language broadcaster which, I could have SWORN you had to be a US Citizen or naturalized, but HARAMBE, what do I know?!? !

He a handful of singers, to include: P-Diddy, Wayne Newton, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Kenny Rogers, Gene Simmons and Young Dro, so basically, if you are out of pot, hit up a Trump campaign.

He does have Joe “The Plumber” so that is important to know.

Under organizations he has Rent Is Too Damn High Party, which I’m like “Ya bro”

OK, perhaps Trumps best category,  is Media Personalities…..

1. Teresa Guidice (you know, from RHWONJ).  2.  Jesse James (you know, from cheating on Sandra Bullock), 3. Omarosa (listed as “Baptist minister” sure thing). 4. From team poop hoop he has Tila Tequila, 5.  He has not only his CURRENT wife, but his EX-WIFE and she is named as “former athlete” FYI, I would NOT vote for the husband formally known as Mr. Nara.

Under “other” he has these two folks, and I am SHOCKED they are not voting Hilly:

Juanita Broaddrick, former nursing home administrator, accused Bill Clinton of rape
Paula Jones, former Arkansas state employee, accused Bill Clinton of sexual harassment

Well, there you have it folks.  Our 2016 candidates in review.