Why I will never online date, part 2. Right?2? No?

Here’s the gig.  I legit 100% slammed the brakes on online dating. Why? I already have enough fucking crazy in my life, I don’t need to be swiping to find the next Mr. Nara, when I could be at the shelter looking for cats. I dunno.  It just isn’t me…. I don’t want to go to a random bar, and meet some random guy, and assume shit is just going to work out.  Do you know who I am? I still can’t figure out how to make the lights on my car go back to “auto” you HONESTLY think a Tinder date is going to work out for me? Solid nope.   I am holding out for meeting in the produce aisle and someone being all like “Wow, you ALSO like cucumber, we are a 10 match.”  Oh shit. I grocery shop online.  Ha.  So much for a produce match. Anyhoo.

However, the hilarity of online dating lives through some of my BFF’s.  For example, can we talk about one of my GF’s who was “talking” to this guy, and all of the sudden, there is a question of height.  AND HE IS FIVE FOOT FUCKING 2 INCHES.  Listen people, that is how tall I am, and I am a very short person.  I was all like “Oh, so he wears those shoes that make you look taller, no, those are super cool. I mean, looka how well they work for Tom Cruise.

1

Seems like a match. Go for it, if, ya know, you are into little people

I am sorry, what the actual fuck.  There is a reason he is online dating. BECAUSE HE IS HOPING HE DOESN”T GET ASKED HOW SHORT TALL HE IS.  I bet he does get asked “So, how short are you?” like, slip of the tongue.  Womp.

Moving on to online date #2. GF shows me pictures of this guy, and it went something like a so…..

Me:  Yea, I don’t like him at all.  (I at the very least admit that I am judgy).

Friend: Why?

Me (judger): He is super fucking boring.

Friend: But that is just his picture, and he is nice.

Me (bitch): No, no he isn’t, he is boring. He makes me want to take a nap right now (ok, to be fair, I was so gassed after having a crayyy week, that anything made me want to nap, but this guys profile picture was like a “Contacts out, NAP.”)

Well, dontcha know, they go on a date…. So, the next morning, we are all laying making sure we do nothing productive….  chatting… When immma like “OMG, how was your date with the most boring person in the entire universe?” And then we went like a so:

Friend:  Um, it was good. He’s nice.

Me:  Uh-huh, did he look like his pictures (listen, “nice” means the same thing for men or women… Like, yea, he’s “nice” so boring I stabbed myself and jumped into the pizza wood burning fire for fun.”)

Friend:  He, um. No. No, he didn’t. He was…

Me: Oh, like the old “The pictures are from 5 years ago.”

Friend: Yep.

Apparently the worlds most boring person forgot to mention this.

1.png

 

See, see people, there are just TWO reasons that I want a million cats won’t online it.

Now, I did have a few superhot dates this weekend……. Areyouret?

One was for family taco night. Here’s how that date went.  Within 8 seconds I had locked my keys in my car (Legit, I should never be unsupervised).  Good news, I left the sunroof open and we tossed a few lil people (not midgets, and not date #1 from above, but I guess that would have worked too, actual young people) through the sunroof.  Yup. All class, all the time.

1.png

Next date, was with one of my BFF.  I took her to the dump……  Yup.  She is running Boston (right now, holla #30581) and such as it is, she had a bit of pre-run nerves (like how I say that as if I know?….. Clearly I don’t.  We were all actually discussing today how I would not run the .2 miles for anything less than genuine street tacos. And even then, .2 seems far).  Anyhoo, I had to hit up the dump, so off we go…. Right, lemme tell you people, this place is a HOT SPOT, because the line was down the street (I’m actually not kidding about that part)…. I’m not sure if it was the shot out, taped up windows (also not kidding) or the clientele of said dump, but the place was popping.  Lots of people from 01945 still had to dump their Christmas trees.  Truth. I was disappointed to only get hit on yelled at once, by the guy I hit with a rather large branch. Apparently you shouldn’t throw those.  I’ve never really been a “rules” person.

The last hot date of the weekend, was one that actually should have been video taped by E for my upcoming reality show  censored. You know, when you have that one friend who when you are together, basically everything is funny and someone pees their pants? Right, well, that is my 1.png

(did I forget that I also identify people with emojis.  Yea, true)…..

So, uni and I decide to go shopping for our kiddos panties.  I mean, why not? First things first, this weekend, likely because I did not have my own cherubs, screaming, crying children followed me.  Those fuckers had my number.  Let’s not act like this was any different.  There were many exchanges of “If that asshole follows me, I am taking out my flask leaving.” Well, dontcha know those dinks follow us to the skivvies.  So, in such, imma like “Unicorn, do you like this thong, or this thong.” CPS frowned upon that one.

So, as you can see, I am really crushing it in the world of dating. Hold on to your seats for more deets about my friends who are ok with super short people where that goes.

Advertisements

Dear fucking lord, get I get some drugs in the GD house? This nest is a mess, 6.6? (maybe? 7?)

More often than not, I get emails, texts, etc that are like “Nooooo wayyy does this shit really happen in your life.”  Listen, I’d either have to be an idiot or a genius to tell these stories.  And I sure as shit am not a genius. So yes, this all happens.

My married friends bitch all the time, “Mr. Wonderful never helps out,  he is constantly jerking off, he won’t change a diaper, he is busy hanging up tapestries in his man cave etc.” and know what, I never would have done that did too.  Thing is, when times were really tough, I could call the former Mr. Nara and be like “Asshole, help out.” And at least there would be a 20% chance (being generous) that he would. Maybe, I mean, if he didn’t have something else going on, eh, ok, 10%. Well when you are single, that 10%, it’s gone.  I use to get so annoyed at people who brought their screaming snot nose kids to the grocery store, and now, well, now I shop online, bad example.  But you get it.

However, back to the 10% being gone.

I have had this cold for a solid 539 days now.  It finally got to the point that I needed to go to the doctor.  She was basically like “There is more snot in you than I have ever seen in anyone before, you are a medical miracle.”   “Time for a dose of heavy antibiotics.” Ok, that’s cool.  I’m down with drugs  getting better.

She calls it into the local pharmacy and I’m all like “Shit, I should get sick more often, I am NAILING this!”

I figure I will give the pharmacy a bit to count out the drugs et all (ever notice it takes like a day to count out those pills, am I the only one who thinks it is weird?). so, off I go to get the minis.  We take our standard 45 minutes or so to make it 100 feet to the car, baby brother only ALMOST gets hit by another car one time, but still, I decide I will give the pharmacy even more time (I am so fucking nice, huh).

So, the critters and I decide to go through the car wash.  Scratch that. I was too lazy to brush the snow off my car (because remember, we live in MA and it snows straight through July), so we decided to go through the car wash (side bar, that doesn’t work, at all).

Car
Don’t believe me that I drove this bitch through to try and clean her off?

We make it through the car wash without anyone opening a window and honest to god, I am like feeling like I am a GOOD FUCKING MOTHER.

We pull into the local pharmacy, and the drive through (because, I am THAT lazy) has at least 11 cars in line.  Because I don’t think ANYTHING through, there is not a moment that I think “Oh, it must be busy here.” I just think “OK, let’s go inside, because that will be easy.”

Minis and I load out of the car, and head into said pharmacy, which is fascinating, because I really don’t even like them leaving the house honestly, but, such is life. As we walk into the shit show that is about to be the next 2 hours of my life I realize that it might be slightly busier than I realized.  As in, it was a fucking shit show there were people crawling off the god damn walls for their Prilosec. I was waiting for a bar to roll out, strobe lights and “Mr. Boombostic” to start to play and OH MY GOD JUST I JUST REVEAL HOW FUCKING OLD I AM!?!??!?!

Fine, that’s fine.  We took our time getting here, there is no question my shit is reat – to – go.  Still, even still, we wander back to the pharmacy a little slowly, grabbing the essentials.  You know, Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles, a Kit Kat, a Reeses, some seltzer and 26 boxes of tissues.   OK, we are good!

As we round the corner to the pharmacy, I realize that the line BASICALLY WRAPS AROUND THE STORE but hey, there is no one giving me 10% help, so I need to suck it up and be a good lil soldier (side bar, I would be an absolutely AWFUL soldier) and get my shit so that I don’t end up on day #540 of this cold

It takes almost FOURTY minutes to get to the front of the line, but yet again, because I don’t think jack shit through, I’mmma like “Clearly my drugs will be ready all packaged up with a preeey lil bow.”

Nope.  At this point, my minis are playing sword fight with sleeves of saltine crackers that they found and I really don’t care because I can see the finish line. There is a guy SCREAMING at the pharmacy helper (does this every work? And he YELLS “This place fucking sucks” and Imma like “Right, THIS LONG to get a drink at the bar, is BS!”) This crabby old woman, says TO ME  (pointing to my sword fighters) “Those kids are acting like animals.” And, because I am a really good mother, I say “I know! I wonder where there parents are! This is awful!”  Mini one walks up to me as this is happening and is like “momma” and I am all like “I am NOT your momma.”

So as we make it to the sacred ground (front of the line) the lil gal is like “Oh, tee hee, there is nothing here in that name.”

I cried. I’m not kidding, I cried. And kept her sweet face as she was like “Um, do you mind moving over there.” Pointing to the side, and I look over and realize that is basically where the misfit prescription picker-uppers go.

Back forth, the pharmacist calls the doctor, they chat, mini one falls asleep on the floor (YOU CAN”T MAKE THIS SHIT UP PEOPLE – SEE)…..

IMG_3548
Him = tired after his cracker sword fight. See the cracker evidence

So we are now shuffled over to the OTHER side of the pharmacy,

At this point,  I am basically leaving a trail of tissues for my kids to find me, kind of like bread crumbs AND IT WORKS! I hear them like “OH, there is another tissue, mommy must be over THERE now.” Listen, gotta make shit fun for these guys when we are on hour like 19 of trying to get a fucking Z pack.

IMG_3549
The tissue trail!

Fast forward, fast forward, I finally get my shit. We go home. And immma all like “Either of you two know how to make dinner, I mean, you are 8 and 5, aren’t you men yet?” cereal for dinner? And hit the couch.  I realize I am EXHAUSTED. I send a token SUPER fucking ugly selfie to my Spirit Unicorn and don’t even care that I still have all of my work clothes on,  immma gunna rest for five minutes.

FIVE FUCKING MINUTES IS ALL THAT IT TOOK.  I hear the mini one saying something about going to go to the bathroom (fine).  He still prefers that I wipe his butt (can you blame him? Everyone likes a clean whistle).  He comes out telling me something about how he did pee pee on his socks, because his penis was pointing the wrong way, right, ok….  When I hear “GULP GULP GURGLE SPLASH.”

Oh, ok, apparently we are learning to wipe on our own, AND HE FUCKING FLOODED THE BATHROOM.

I dead sprint, ha, that’s funny let’s face it, I slow walk into the bathroom,  and realize he used THE toilet paper.  Not like SOME, or even A ROLL. I mean he used it all.  And, I am one of those people, who likes to keep 4 rolls in the bathroom at all times, because you never know when someone is going to come over and have raging diarrhea and they are NOT going to want to be like “Ah, got more TP?” What can I say, I’m a planner. So there I am, fishing this shit out of the toilet, trying to gently explain “Brother, when you wipe your ding dong, you just need a teenie bit, not four rolls.” (because remember, he still wants me to wipe his butt, this is a simple tinkle).  And he’s all like “But, momma, I want to make sure it is BERRY  BERRY clean.”

I find it VERY strange I can’t get a date.