So anyway, I am kind of an asshole….

Here’s the thing about me.  I am kind of a dick. Wait, I don’t mean it that way.  Actually, yea I do.  Maybe I mean skeptical? Is that being a dick? Idunno.  At any rate. I figured that after posting about some of my potential suitors, it only made sense to follow up with some of the completely fucked up conversations that happen, so that you can really understand how why I am dedicating myself to the betterment of cats and therefore will be adopting 12 online dating works.

Now, I should preface this by saying, I just swipe right.  I am not going to read profiles ahead of time, I just swipe until I can’t swipe anymore.  And then I “match” with people like this:

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Look, in real life, if I was actually paying attention and not sedated blindly swiping, I would NEVER EVER swipe on a guy who has better boobs than me in four out of five of his pictures,  forgot to put a shirt on.  Because honestly, that is really fucking forgetful! But, alas, I do, and I end up with Jeff, the karate kid. Guarantee we have zero in common.  Including I don’t forget to wear shirts nearly as often as he does.

So anyway, the point being, now you know, I have no method in my “swipe” other than “Meh, go for it until you have carpel tunnel or run out of candidates.”

Which leads me to the messages I get.  Honest to fucking god, I do this to myself, because, (above) I am an asshole.

There was Andy.  The guy who totally didn’t use stock photos for his profile pictures, except, yes, yes he did.  He also said he went to Stanford,  (Man, I am so dumb sometimes, I should have asked him “Real quick, Andy, tell me! What is the Mascot?” because no one would guess it is the flying rabid pine trees.) but his grammar says otherwise.  Then, he wrote me a small biography on what he is doing now, INCLUDING, living in Africa, but not to worry, he has figured out the distance.  Only thing he needs is my SS#, DOB and bank routing # and we will be ret.to.go.

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So, as you can imagine, based off of shirtless Jeff and Africa Andy, I am feeling pretty fucking confident about my candidates! And letmetellyou, my ego was a boosted by this guy.  Who in ONE HOUR messaged me FOUR times AND told me I have a nice chin.

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lemmetellyou, nothing boosts the confidence the way that “Great chin btw” does.  Nothing.

But here is an example of one of the messages I had, that makes  me think to myself “Yolanda Squatpump (you don’t think I really refer to myself as “Nara” when I am talking to myself, how fucking lame would that be? I can be any name in the world when I am talking to myself, today I pick Yolanda Squatpump) you can’t rip on online dating and then do the below. It is not indicative of a princess, which you clearly are not are.

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So, there you have it. 24 hours in, and I am feeling pretty confident that Mr. Nara 2.0 is not anywhere close to the fucking interwebs and likely doesn’t have a computer in his prison cell due to spring up any time!

 

 

 

Sausage fingers.

For starters….  I just feel like we all need to clear the air on something.  Yes, I blog. No, it isn’t about you… Don’t be so vain.  You think if I didn’t sign on the dotted line to write a book about the Former Mr. Nara for cold hard cash, that I am going to write about the potential Future Mr. Nara??? I say this, because I get a lot of inquiries that go something like this:

  1. If you won’t write about me, I want to date you
  2. If you won’t write about my friend, I will introduce you
  3. If you promise TO write about me, I want to date you

The fuck?  THE ACTUAL FUCK? Ah, I said I am not writing about Mr. Nara now not, “ever.”. Just gotta wait for that court order to be lifted.  Anyjolla.

Anyway, just needed to get that out there….. So, here we are again, recapping my hot sexy dates….. There have been so many it is actually hard to keep track… Did that sound real? Yes?

Some updates, because I have been a biiizzee lil beaver.  OMG, don’t get gross. I dumped Tinder.  I feel like there is legit not a single person on there who is not crazy.  Wait, maybe I should be on there?  Maybe Tinder IS my thing????  I have spent a TON to time thinking that my expectations are WAY too high…. So, I took a look at my ole Bumble profile….. Ready….. Because this is ACTUALLY what it says. Oh, and be sure to send me your edits / enhancements.

Me: Was married for 10 years, but decided online dating seemed more fun.  Have a great job, beautiful home and 2 mini-me’s.  I am super skeptical of online dating, but having trouble meeting “the one” when sitting at home watching Bravo TV.  You: don’t play Pokemon go.

Honestly, my only expectation is that you don’t play fucking Pokemon? THAT IS IT? I didn’t even put in there “please have a job and not live in mom’s basement” because apparently I don’t even give a shit about that anymore?????? My best friend in the entire world keeps telling me to slow the fuck down. (I don’t know why?)…… But then I realize my expectation is just that you don’t glue your phone to your hand???  To backtrack.  Mr. Nara 1.0 moved on FAST.  Like, SO FAST that we were still happily married when he moved on. Wait, I should prolly omit the “happily.” But her point is, don’t settle for some DB who lives in moms basement.

So then, I went through some of my “matches” and what their profiles said, really analyzing them…..

First, EVERY guy puts their height on there….. So I am starting to be concerned that my total lack of height is going to be a problem. Is it too late for those growth drugs? Or, that I am going to end up with a guy who is the same height as me. And that is a nope.

Second, I noticed that quite a few people take selfies in some filthy setting or sitting on furniture from 1968. Not kidding, so if you are supposed to “show” what you like, these people like burlap and dishes.  Noted.

Third – Is there a SINGLE – LITERALLY – Single fucking guy out there who doesn’t fall into one of these categories:  1. A pilot, 2. Into rock climbing (can’t make this up), 3. Shirtless, 4. Rides a motorcycle, 5. Says “no drama” (sidebar, you ARE drama, if you are saying “no drama”)

Fourth – The expectations of people are really a bit weird (not “weird” like “don’t play pokemon”) but like a little creepy.  Expectations I have seen:

  • must have long hair
  • must act like a lady at ALL times
  • must be petite and VERY fit
  • must be ready to be a woman

To which I respond:

  • only if you pull it
  • what does a lady do ALL the time
  • very fit? but, but you, are not very fit at ALL.
  • as opposed to?????

And last, there is this whole new level of sexuality out there now. I don’t mean like the profile is like “I like sex” No, that would be way too easy, I mean, I have to google this shit.  And not from my work laptop.  Androgynyous, Androphillic, bicurious, intersex.  Ok, look, I am a “be who you want to be person” but at least make it easy for me and say what it means… Because, guess what, “intersex” doesn’t mean “intosex”  Made that mistake once.

Then, went through some of the messages I have gotten:

Today 12:21am

Hi my name is Chuck how’re are u?

Today – 9:20 am

Morning. How’re was your night?

Well Chuck, I am not sure what you do for those hours between MIDNIGHT and 9am, but shit sure got crazy around this fucking joint.  The first thing I did, was work on basic grammar and spelling, you?

I should mention that “chucks” name on this site is “ihave1hummer2”  Anyway you look at that, it’s fucked up.

Chris2phaa (am I the only one who wonders what that means?) said “ello punkin, how u?” WHAT FUCKING SCHOOL DID YOU ALL COME FROM????

From X2mcx2 “Into younger guys? You’re beautiful.” HE IS NINETEEN… NINE + TEN. Isn’t that illegal????

From ResMedian “Best profile in the business, but I hate dogs, but you have some kick ass lines.”  I asked him to marry me. He disabled his account.  Too much?

From Arthur045, WHO, I might mention is a 12% match….. “Hi goodmorning sweetheart how are you sweetie so beautiful.”  Is this an actual thing?  This can’t spell, run on sentences?  Like, are people like “OMG Arthur045, take me out now and talk to me in runons.”  Is that what I have to look forward too?  I’m not saying 1.0 was all that smart but jesus.

Brendan, 39 – “Hi, I don’t eat bread.”  I’m sorry, now I just think I am getting fucking punked.

BillieBoris (which is it, Billy or Boris?) – What award did the police give you? (On the picture of me getting sworn in)…. So close Billdo.

Cas_09 “Hi there how are you? Stopping by to say hi. Can we be friends?”

Stopping by where Cas?  My profile? You stop there? That doesn’t even make sense?

 

So then, some quick stats.

Opening messages that I comment on a dog, 2.  Responses that the dog died, 2.

Messages from men CLEARLY wearing wedding rings: 5

Times I have swiped “Yep” when I meant “no no”: uncountable.  Literally.  Sausage fingers.

Times my phone has defaulted my location to New Orleans: 3

Guys who were totally 2.0 material BUT based in NO: 3

And a few discoveries:

I attract MUCH younger men. I am very concerned about cougar / mommy complex at this stage of the game

I gravitate toward people who have animals in their profile pictures.  I actually “yupped” a guy holding a bunny.  Truth.

I notice that people change their age constantly.  There is a guy I know who has gone from 37 to 49 in just a few days.

So, I suppose I will just keep up with my real life.  You know, the life when Bigs tells all of his friends I am a professional bacon tester, and pee wee has so much speech therapy he speaks like an exchange student.  No really “Oh, heeeo. You, you, lok beatfil on this day.”  Thanks Hong Li. I mean, pee wee. You know, our normal life, when pee wee goes and JUMPS OFF THE DIVING BOARD ONLY FUCKER CAN’T SWIM.  Our life when Bigs is like “I will only answer you if you talk to me in a dog voice.” And I do. Yea, that life.