Ahh, I see, going on troll patrol are we…..

Well, well, well….. Lookie what trash the old blog dragged in….. I figured it would be best for me to say my peace here, since, it clearly originated here….. So, dear readers who find it necessary to reach out to the old “wazband” about my blog, a few notes to you….

  1. It’s called humor, fucking learn it
  2. It’s all true, he is annoyed because he was, in fact, caught
  3. Step back, breathe, close your eyes, and realize what a god damn fucking troll you are for “reporting to him” he knows it all, he fucking created it. If you think you know more about my marriage than I do (which, hey, you might) please feel free to email me, I am always looking for new material
  4. Question my BLOG all you want, forward it to him, read it to him because he is a questionable at best reader, but know one thing…. There is only ONE parent involved here. There is one parent making my boys do homework, making sure they have dinner, showers, shoes, that they learn how to ride a bike.  There is one parent taking them to Disney, to Maine, teaching them how to waterski.  There is one parent laying in bed with them at night when they have a sore throat or a nightmare.  There is one parent praying with them and reminding them to be thankful for what they have, though it might not be much. There is one parent who gets them to school, picks them up from school, meets with teachers and works through the night to make up for the time they missed at work.  There is one parent who sits at the counter night after night googling “third grade math” and going over the sound that “F” makes, who cries with pride when the youngest mini writes his name.  There is one parent helping to perfect the dunk shot, or the trick shot from the stairs. There is one parent who sacrifices everything, there are no fancy dinners, no manicures, no nights on the town, so that they can play basketball or have swim lessons, so that they don’t see how hard it really is. There is one parent, who lays awake every night, scared that she will never be enough, because she is only one person.  One parent. There is only one parent. There has always only been one parent.  So if I WRITE about it, as an outlet, as humor, know, that I am the ONE parent.
  5. Keep reading my blog, forward it to him, send it to him, I am paid by the click. It went viral last week.  Who’s winning now?
  6. Now fuck off and de-friend me you douche bags
  7. .a8bdaa8feccf9e55e87a0b3e37d45b2f

Dating. Exactly as awful as I figured it would be.

I have not blogged in a bit, because I have been busy, well, dating. “Dating” is actually a very loose term.  I went on two dates.  It is a tie on which one was worse. Let us recap, shall we.

I “met” both of these kind gentlemen online (obvi).  On paper, they seemed pretty darn great and I mean, when it was all said and done, they both had photos up that were only like, ehhh, 5-7 years old. Sidebar, do you bet that right now they are bitching to their buddies, like “Yea, on paper she looked fucking normal.  Not. So. Much.”

Date #1 background (on paper): Him.  Doctor.  Lives in Boston.  Likes dogs.  Divorced. No kids.  OK, can I please wake up to the fucking red flags?  I can never, ever go on a date with someone who has not had kids… Why? Because people who have never had kids don’t understand that they LITERALLY suck the life out of you.  Literally.  they are the most important thing in your life. Moving on. We decide to meet for a drink at a local(ish) bar.  Telling you, fucking ish gets me again.   I notice him right away from his gigantic bald shiny head profile picture.   We do the standard “Oh, you find this place ok, yea, parking sure is great, huh?” greetings as I sit down.   The lovely bartender asks me my favorite question in the world “Can I get you a drink?” and says to date #1 “Would you like another Dewar’s on the rocks?”  Oh, ok, so I am on a date with my grandmother.  We chit chat a bit and it is fine, except that it is not, that is a total fucking lie….. I get along with him, well, I guess, I get along with him the same way I get along with my girlfriends, or my best gay friend (who, the clock is fucking ticking on a ridiculous bet we made that if we were both single at 40 we had to get married.  Who’s laughing now. Right, neither of us).  When he all of the sudden yells, (legit, yells):  “Giiiiiirrrrrrlllll, I am ob-sessy with those shoes.  What size?”

Oh my god.  I mean, yes, I am rocking some awesome shoes.  But yes, he is also gay.  Totally gay. I am out, on a date, with a bald gay man who is now THREE Dewar’s on the rocks in. I am trying to hide the shock on my face, but I imagine it looked something like this.  Only less orange and hopefully at least a teenie bit more feminine.

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Once I get over my initial shock, I decide to just have a nice date, while, he, decides to have two more Dewar’s.  We chat, and by “chat” I mean “he slurs about his dog for three straight hours.” Overall, I think that one went pretty well! And that there could be a real strong future for us!

So, at this point, I pick my sorry ass up, brush it off, and agree to meet date #2.  Because, I am an idiot.

Date #2 background (on paper): Him. Sales. Lives one town over. Likes dogs. Divorced.  Two kids.  OK, ok, this could be good, right???  No. No. At the FIRST second he suggested the date location, I should have been like “Yea, peace out.”  He suggests that we go to this nice bar in Salem, MA.  Ok, before you get all “Jesus Princess Nara, what are you looking for?”  I remind you that Salem is the literal mecca for adults to dress up like whatever the fuck it is they want for an ENTIRE month and roam the streets of said, Salem, Ma.  Oh, AND, take into account, there was a big “food truck” festival too. So, when D#2 makes the suggestion, I text something back like “You don’t think it will be crowded?”  Him “Nahhh.”  Fast forward to a text I sent him on date day:  “I have been driving around looking for a parking spot for 53 minutes.  This was really a bad idea.”  So you can imagine how fucking cheery I am at this stage of the game….. He texts back “Yea, I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD BE CROWDED AT ALL” and I was like “because you clearly have never left the house before.  Ever. You GD troll.”  “Yea, I did.” He asks if I want to go to the “Tiki bar” in Swampscott.  I am racking my brain trying to figure out what he is talking about, when I drive by this, and realize “this” is “Tiki.” Which, coincidentally enough, is also the place you go to when you are 16 years old and craving a scorpion bowl.

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OK, be positive Nara.  I text him that I will head into the “Tiki bar” and he can meet me there.  I grab a seat at a booth, because the bar was full with 90 year old women drinking Dewar’s and playing Keno, and this one guy who kept telling me he thought I smelled good.  Next up, I need a drink. Clearly, I text him to ask what he wants “Ask if they have Harpoon.”  I ask.  I get this.

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I say “Just give me one of those.” Pointing to some bottle of beer.  Then, I ask what they have for white wine.  She doesn’t know, but kindly just hands me this.   Honest to fucking god, worst best date ever so far.

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D#2 shows up, and it is weird. I have no idea why, but it is…. We sit and joke about our drinks for about 11 seconds when he says “Well, want to know why I am here, haha ha?”  Me: “Um, sure.”  Him: “My ex-wife plays for the other team now, I didn’t want a divorce, she is totally butch, but the good news is she gained 50 pounds.”  I raise my hand and give the universal “Imma need  a six pack of those plastic bottles of cheap wine, because, right.”  For the next SEVENTY minutes, he went on to tell me all about how she changed teams, she wears cargo shorts, she emptied out their bank account,  she racked up over $100,000 in debt.  He asked me if I had “Cash for the drinks.” (it was $12 for those of you wondering). This, this isn’t on the first date, IT IS IN THE FIRST FUCKING SEVENTY MINUTES OF MEETING SOMEONE.  He says things like “Yea, I see a counselor and we are working through things.”  To which I am like “Might want to see them more, bro.”  He tells me all about how he does nothing at work, just gets through every day (Oh, Sales = Chairs.  As in, he sells chairs).  This goes on for the full seventy minutes, until I am like “Whoa, lookie there, I just shit my pants” and left.  OK, until I was like “Wow, is it already 4:00pm, I need to get home and go to bed soon.”  No, really, I did say that.

He texts me WHILE WE ARE STILL IN THE PARKING LOT and tells me that he had the most amazing first date.  I, sit in the parking lot and delete all dating apps from my phone.

 

Oh, this old dog and pony show…

There are days (that’s a lie, there was maybe like a day, like as in “one single day”) that I really think I have my shit wrapped up tight.  I have a great career, a super cute home, my two (sometimes well behaved, sometimes total dick noses) cherubs and even a super cute pug. But, the fact of the matter, is that, because single parenting is so fucking hard, I rarely (by rarely I mean “never”) have time to do things for myself.  Case in point, when I was getting my hair cut yesterday, the gal says to me “Oh, how long has it been since your last cut?”  Me: “Well, my oldest son is 8, so, I guess 8 years, you know, give or take a few days.”

But every now and then, I am like “Pretty pretty princess Nara get yo ass out there, you are not going to meet Mr. Nara 2.0 while you are watching Lifetime movies crying into a pint of chunky monkey.” I have always said that eventually I would tell the story of my divorce.  Not all of it, but the part that, well, that I guess reads like a Lifetime movie.  To make a LONG story short, sometimes, when I am feeling bad for myself that Mr. Nara 1.0 is marrying his mistress, I decide that I should date.  I mean, look, he was dating while we were married, so I guess I can give it a whirl????  The thing is, there is no mistress (mistror?) for me….. So I am back to, yup, you guessed it, online dating.

Why online?  Because in “real life” I only have an interest in 2 types of men. Men who are either completely not available, or totally geographically undesirable. I mean, I can rationalize the SHIT out of both of them…..

For example:

  • When he says “girlfriend, he clearly means ‘girl’ ‘friend’ “
  • Someone not wanting to date me, is just their way of playing hard to get (obvs)
  • When I don’t meet someone’s pre-defined criteria, I am like “Well, that will change”
  • And for the GU, I always think: “I had a LDR, and look, look at how awesome it worked out! We are… Oh wait.”

So, such is living in small town, and being sort of a hermit, I end up back online. So I had been sort of chatting with this guy online and he seemed nice (ish – telling you – ish gets you every.fucking.time).  We made plans to get together, but (ignored red flag #1) our schedules didn’t jive for like 2 weeks. So, we exchanged some casual texts here and there then he sent me this fucking whammy of a picture.  Listen, dating is different now, I can’t explain it, just different…. I know you are thinking the picture was super sexy, but really, it was the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of sexy. It was an actual FDA approved sex repellent.  Here were some of the responses from my girls (sidebar, can you even imagine how awesome it must be to be my friend and getting to witness this shit show with a front row seat? Just saying).

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So, without even showing the picture, you get the jist, this CLEARLY was not going to work out.  I am a very tidy person, and this person, was….. Well, was not. And if his FEET look like that, what about the, ah-hem, downstairs. Cross that one off.

Moving on.  I decided to open an app I sometimes use when I try my 11 seconds of online dating, and yup, this guy right here was a 99% match.  I just.  I can’t.  Honest to fucking god.  I can’t. What. The. Actualfuck. Is that teenie animal?  And why is he so creepily staring at me? And does he keep his dead bodies WITH his complete beanie baby collection or are they in different rooms?

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What, just what is that teenie pet??  Is it stuffed? 

And again, the responses are amazing, because I think that people don’t believe that this is REALLY MY LIFE…..

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I mean, I GET it, I’m no real catch here, but THESE are my options???????

So then, in a last ditch effort, I tried one more app that I NEVER visit. Why, because you pay for it… I SHIT you not, when I say, I had to take it off because my phone was dinging every 11 seconds.  Don’t believe me, well, I got these messages (many, like when you send line by line texts) from one fellow:

Happy sunny Wednesday

Hump day 🙂

Are you having a good day?

I hope so.

What is your favorite flower?

Do you like to hike?

Next day, same person:

Happy Thirsy Thursday to you beautiful (side note, guys must think that we chicks are really desperate.  I mean, I personally am, but not every girl is, so open with something else.)

I just quenched my thirst with a smoothie.

Do you like smoothies?

If so, what kind do you like.

OK, clearly this guy doesn’t “get” me already, but that is fine, because he has more questions (keep in mind, I have not responded a SINGLE WORD and yet, somehow, I still now have a pen pal??)

Were you able to go outside at all?

I plan to take a nice walk later.

There is a nice ocean breeze.

At this point, I am thinking that he is going to either try ye old “sexy talk” or he is in some sort of a language development program (I can say that because my butterball is, you can’t say things like that, FYI).

I worked for a bit.

Then went home.

I had lunch.

It was a turkey and hummus wrap with kale chips.

STOP, JUST STOP. You have now sent 17 messages and 2 of them put you in an automatic “Fuck NOPE” category.

I have an indoor tree that I need to repot (Fuck nope #3)

Do you want to help (FN #4)

It’s leaning to the side

I need to adjust the roots.

21 Messages.  From one pen pal “match.  Gets better.

I’m not a huge TV watcher, mostly just sports.

I enjoy sport playoffs so have been watching more that usually lately (OK, I am admitting, I am not sporty spice, but is there sort of a “playoff” I don’t know about right now?)

What is your favorite show?

WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT

It is nice that we share some similar interests.

NO WE DON’T.  NOT ONE.  LITERALLY NOT A SINGLE ONE. AND I PAID FOR THIS.

Also got this one yesterday

“Hi, happy Easter.”  The actual fuck?

I had three messages asking me if I work for the police.  DUDE, FUCKING ZOOM IN LIKE A CHICK. Don’t stalk and then be a BAD stalker, that is just embarrassing (for me, you might be ok with it, but it embarrasses me if you can’t even stalk me like a real stalker)… And, if I was a policer (police woman? police attendant? police driver?) wouldn’t I have like a badge and gun and shield and shit? All I have is a constant hangover.

 

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Is there a SINGLE person who thinks I could be a cop? Firm Nope.

The only thing “Good” I got from this site, is my next screen name for EEEERRRYTHING  “Lookingforastalker”

 

 

Scared for the one I love….

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It’s weird. I always try and keep my blogs about my current life and funny.  Because, well, generally my life is always a hot mess pretty fucking funny. Let’s face it, the last few years have not been easy on me (or my grey hair for that matter), but you know what, your ex-husband gets engaged to his mistress you realize you are WAY fucking stronger than you ever thought, you get through.  You just do…. First and foremost for me, is always my minimuffin tops (shout out to my fellow fat kids)….. They are really my whole heart and soul.  They remind me the things I am good at (laundry) and the things I am not (cooking, Bigs told me the other night his dinner smelled like “Beaver food” which brings in the question “You eat fucking beaver food dude?”)…..  Anyholla.

I knew, in my heart, I knew I would never be ready for these upcoming weeks, but now, I just have this heaviness in my heart and pit in my stomach (it’s not even because I am hungry, which I always am)….. #peewee is starting school….. Interesting fact, he has actually gone to a “special needs” program for 3 years now.  Three fucking years.  When he started, he couldn’t speak.  He couldn’t walk up stairs. Couldn’t even consider walking down stairs. He couldn’t run.  Well, now, he doesn’t shut up, he has a candor about him when he speaks that is nothing short of hysterical, does not even consider holding my hand walking up stairs, and actually runs (although, he sort of looks like a cartoon character when he does, still)…..

But here I am, filling out his back to school paperwork, for him to go to a different school than his brother, because as amazing as our town is, they can’t service him with his needs in district…. So, the little puff pastry will go into a class with 15 other kiddos he doesn’t know.  He will be “that kid” you know, the one who has his own teacher, because he still can’t write, he can’t hold a pencil, he can’t go to the bathroom alone, he gets confused. He’s scared.

Selfishly, I’m scared.  I’m so scared.  I’m proud of him that when he was able to run, he no longer had to wear braces on his legs.  I’m proud of him that he hardly has to use sign language to speak to me anymore.  I’m proud of him that he can try and play with other kids.  I’m so scared.  I know he’s different.  His brother knows he’s different. Deep down inside, I feel it in my heart that even he knows he is different. So I lay awake at night, scared. Scared he will get picked on more than he already does.  Scared more people will ask “What’s wrong with him.” (Sidebar, props to me for not cold clocking the bitch outside of Dunks the other day who asked me that, I just said “Him, nothing, you, appears as though quite a bit is.”).

So, as I fill out his paperwork, I wonder questions that no parent should ever have to wonder.  Will he be able to go on field trips? Will he go to gym class? Will music class be too loud for him? Will someone help him carry his pizza to his desk on pizza day? How am I going to get him to understand that his beloved “guys” can’t go to this school, and that there is no “school boo” to snuggle if he gets scared? What will happen if he needs me, but doesn’t know how to say it? Mostly, what happens when he gets picked on?  Because he already does. And I know he will.  Just because he is different.  He doesn’t love any less, he likes the same things as other 5 year old boys, but he is different. And different isn’t “cool.” What will happen now? What will happen in one year, or three or five?

So my beloved friends and family, if (when) I am bitchy (ier) than I normally am, it’s just because I am scared.

 

To my potential suitors, don’t call me mommy. Ever.

A few weeks ago, I was with a friend of mine, and she was really encouraging me to actually TRY to make dating work.  Look, I know it may seem like my life is a shitshow, but it actually really is. Wait, did I say that wrong? Yes.  Yes, it is a shit show.  TBH, I didn’t think dating would be hard AT ALL. Then, well, then I realized “I have NO fucking idea what I want.”  So far, I have done a pretty ok job of figuring out what I DON’T want. This weekend, the minimuffintops were elsewhere, and I was like “Know what, I am going to reply to these messages I get and see what happens!”

Enter in Friday night.  Out with a BF for drinks / dins/ drinks / hangovers / lack of sleep. When I notice I get a message on my phone from a really handsome guy! (sidebar, I have a very strict “putchafuckinphoneaway” rule when with friends. I swear, you are not missing anything. I am right here).  Point being, it actually was weird for me to see a message.

We banter back and forth for a bit and OMG, he is funny too!  So, we invite him to meet us for a drink. I really hope you don’t think this ends in a love story, I’m not that kind of gal.  He meets us at the bar, and I SHIT YOU FUCKING NOT HE STARTS FUCKING SINGING SHOW TUNES.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.  It was literally like “Tooomorrow, toooomorrow, I lovya, tomorrow.”THERE WERE HAND MOTIONS! You know those sort of waving, double hand wave motion. Yup.  That was happening.

It gets worse, I am not kidding, it actually gets worse.  I sent this text to one of those few people in your life, you can give them a 3 second overview, and they actually know everything that happened.

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Yup.  That happened. And I literally was like “No, that’s so cool when 39 year old guys live at home, not weird at all.”

But, I was like “Nara, come on, try and be positive, everyone doesn’t live at home.” (Right, like amirite?). So gosh darn it, I was going to open these messages and meet some of these not totally weird, not living in their mom’s basement guys! I fucking crack myself up.

First things first…. I seem to attract younger guys, like,” I could get arrested for buying alcohol for minors” younger.

There was this guy.  Now, I also have to share a few points from his profile, because Handsome_Walt could NOT be more into himself. “Unrepentant hedonist” (what is that? Is that when you are naked all the time?) “Recovering alcoholic” (oh, clearly we are a match). “Willing to defend my beliefs to the death as well as yours.” I AM SORRY WHAT? WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT? “I’m really good at gunfighting.” OK, not “Shooting at the range” gunfighting? Who the fuck are you fighting Handsome_Walt? Favorite books: “War Movies.” Wait, what? Is “War movies” a book? Things I can’t live without “Suits, guns, coffee and women.” OK, ok Walt, you are TWENTY FUCKING EIGHT. Believe me, you can, in fact, live without suits.  You can. On a typical Friday night I am  “Trolling for scumbags.” THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. I sent this message back.

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By this point, as you can imagine, I was really feeling like things were going pretty well.  I mean, I was 0/2 so statistically speaking, I was…. Wait. Wrong way with the numbers.

Small sampling of some of the other really great messages I got.

At least this guy came right out and said it.

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I just don’t, don’t do pet names. I also don’t do “ello.” Did you save that much time not typing the  “H”

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But look, I went from a 21% match, to a 0% match, to a 44% match (do you really need more than 44?)…. .So things HAD to be looking up.

I suppose they were looking up if you are into 15 year age gaps (I mean, give or take, let’s not be picky).

His profile says he is looking for single women between 18-28.  So math is a strong point on this one. Noted.

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Is this one old enough to say “Sexy”….. I feel like “no” is the correct answer to that.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE????  Does everyone have mommy complex? Sidebar to my potential suitors, don’t, just don’t call me mommy.  Ok?

AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE 27 YEAR OLDS DOING ON DATING WEBSITES??? Go to a bar, go do ANYTHING.  You do that shit when you are old like me.

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At this point, I was ready to throw in the ole towel, but was saved by this gem. Yup.This is my life.

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Imma stock up on cat food and wine.

 

Sausage fingers.

For starters….  I just feel like we all need to clear the air on something.  Yes, I blog. No, it isn’t about you… Don’t be so vain.  You think if I didn’t sign on the dotted line to write a book about the Former Mr. Nara for cold hard cash, that I am going to write about the potential Future Mr. Nara??? I say this, because I get a lot of inquiries that go something like this:

  1. If you won’t write about me, I want to date you
  2. If you won’t write about my friend, I will introduce you
  3. If you promise TO write about me, I want to date you

The fuck?  THE ACTUAL FUCK? Ah, I said I am not writing about Mr. Nara now not, “ever.”. Just gotta wait for that court order to be lifted.  Anyjolla.

Anyway, just needed to get that out there….. So, here we are again, recapping my hot sexy dates….. There have been so many it is actually hard to keep track… Did that sound real? Yes?

Some updates, because I have been a biiizzee lil beaver.  OMG, don’t get gross. I dumped Tinder.  I feel like there is legit not a single person on there who is not crazy.  Wait, maybe I should be on there?  Maybe Tinder IS my thing????  I have spent a TON to time thinking that my expectations are WAY too high…. So, I took a look at my ole Bumble profile….. Ready….. Because this is ACTUALLY what it says. Oh, and be sure to send me your edits / enhancements.

Me: Was married for 10 years, but decided online dating seemed more fun.  Have a great job, beautiful home and 2 mini-me’s.  I am super skeptical of online dating, but having trouble meeting “the one” when sitting at home watching Bravo TV.  You: don’t play Pokemon go.

Honestly, my only expectation is that you don’t play fucking Pokemon? THAT IS IT? I didn’t even put in there “please have a job and not live in mom’s basement” because apparently I don’t even give a shit about that anymore?????? My best friend in the entire world keeps telling me to slow the fuck down. (I don’t know why?)…… But then I realize my expectation is just that you don’t glue your phone to your hand???  To backtrack.  Mr. Nara 1.0 moved on FAST.  Like, SO FAST that we were still happily married when he moved on. Wait, I should prolly omit the “happily.” But her point is, don’t settle for some DB who lives in moms basement.

So then, I went through some of my “matches” and what their profiles said, really analyzing them…..

First, EVERY guy puts their height on there….. So I am starting to be concerned that my total lack of height is going to be a problem. Is it too late for those growth drugs? Or, that I am going to end up with a guy who is the same height as me. And that is a nope.

Second, I noticed that quite a few people take selfies in some filthy setting or sitting on furniture from 1968. Not kidding, so if you are supposed to “show” what you like, these people like burlap and dishes.  Noted.

Third – Is there a SINGLE – LITERALLY – Single fucking guy out there who doesn’t fall into one of these categories:  1. A pilot, 2. Into rock climbing (can’t make this up), 3. Shirtless, 4. Rides a motorcycle, 5. Says “no drama” (sidebar, you ARE drama, if you are saying “no drama”)

Fourth – The expectations of people are really a bit weird (not “weird” like “don’t play pokemon”) but like a little creepy.  Expectations I have seen:

  • must have long hair
  • must act like a lady at ALL times
  • must be petite and VERY fit
  • must be ready to be a woman

To which I respond:

  • only if you pull it
  • what does a lady do ALL the time
  • very fit? but, but you, are not very fit at ALL.
  • as opposed to?????

And last, there is this whole new level of sexuality out there now. I don’t mean like the profile is like “I like sex” No, that would be way too easy, I mean, I have to google this shit.  And not from my work laptop.  Androgynyous, Androphillic, bicurious, intersex.  Ok, look, I am a “be who you want to be person” but at least make it easy for me and say what it means… Because, guess what, “intersex” doesn’t mean “intosex”  Made that mistake once.

Then, went through some of the messages I have gotten:

Today 12:21am

Hi my name is Chuck how’re are u?

Today – 9:20 am

Morning. How’re was your night?

Well Chuck, I am not sure what you do for those hours between MIDNIGHT and 9am, but shit sure got crazy around this fucking joint.  The first thing I did, was work on basic grammar and spelling, you?

I should mention that “chucks” name on this site is “ihave1hummer2”  Anyway you look at that, it’s fucked up.

Chris2phaa (am I the only one who wonders what that means?) said “ello punkin, how u?” WHAT FUCKING SCHOOL DID YOU ALL COME FROM????

From X2mcx2 “Into younger guys? You’re beautiful.” HE IS NINETEEN… NINE + TEN. Isn’t that illegal????

From ResMedian “Best profile in the business, but I hate dogs, but you have some kick ass lines.”  I asked him to marry me. He disabled his account.  Too much?

From Arthur045, WHO, I might mention is a 12% match….. “Hi goodmorning sweetheart how are you sweetie so beautiful.”  Is this an actual thing?  This can’t spell, run on sentences?  Like, are people like “OMG Arthur045, take me out now and talk to me in runons.”  Is that what I have to look forward too?  I’m not saying 1.0 was all that smart but jesus.

Brendan, 39 – “Hi, I don’t eat bread.”  I’m sorry, now I just think I am getting fucking punked.

BillieBoris (which is it, Billy or Boris?) – What award did the police give you? (On the picture of me getting sworn in)…. So close Billdo.

Cas_09 “Hi there how are you? Stopping by to say hi. Can we be friends?”

Stopping by where Cas?  My profile? You stop there? That doesn’t even make sense?

 

So then, some quick stats.

Opening messages that I comment on a dog, 2.  Responses that the dog died, 2.

Messages from men CLEARLY wearing wedding rings: 5

Times I have swiped “Yep” when I meant “no no”: uncountable.  Literally.  Sausage fingers.

Times my phone has defaulted my location to New Orleans: 3

Guys who were totally 2.0 material BUT based in NO: 3

And a few discoveries:

I attract MUCH younger men. I am very concerned about cougar / mommy complex at this stage of the game

I gravitate toward people who have animals in their profile pictures.  I actually “yupped” a guy holding a bunny.  Truth.

I notice that people change their age constantly.  There is a guy I know who has gone from 37 to 49 in just a few days.

So, I suppose I will just keep up with my real life.  You know, the life when Bigs tells all of his friends I am a professional bacon tester, and pee wee has so much speech therapy he speaks like an exchange student.  No really “Oh, heeeo. You, you, lok beatfil on this day.”  Thanks Hong Li. I mean, pee wee. You know, our normal life, when pee wee goes and JUMPS OFF THE DIVING BOARD ONLY FUCKER CAN’T SWIM.  Our life when Bigs is like “I will only answer you if you talk to me in a dog voice.” And I do. Yea, that life.

 

 

 

 

Hot sexy date #2….

I kid.  Just me writing about our current presidential candidates.  Although that would be cute if I went on a date.  Because then I could blog about it, but I wouldn’t….. Kind of like the people who think I am either going to write about my divorce or my stalker…. Notahappenin.  Mostly bc I love when my stalker leaves me booze, so I don’t want to piss off him/her. And the court system says I shouldn’t write about my divorce, which is good, because I was LEGIT blacked out during most of it that would not be nice.

Focus people. I always have a certain level of curiosity of what celebrities are endorsing presidential candidates.  Why? Idunnno.  It isn’t like I am going to contribute to some cocktail party by being like “Oh, the election, did you know Britt Britt is endorsing Hillary?” OK, I might.  I think that part of my interest is when people claim to be total experts on something (insert when I quit Facebook because of Harambe the gorilla,  and everyone was a fucking gorilla expert.  RIP Harambe).

Anyway…. Now that we are down to the final 2, it seems like as good a time as ever to take a little lookie  at the lists, shall we?

On Team Hillary.

Bill Clinton.  Ok, why did that make me giggle?  Do you think that when he is campaigning for her he is ever like “My wife Monica, I mean, HILLARY, hahaha.”  I just ask because I get names fucked up all the time.  Not like he would have a reason to.

There then is a long list of current and future politicians who are endorsing her, and honestly, no one cares about it with the exception of these two.

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I love a good matching hat and pocket square combo.
Hector_Balderas_Photo.jpg
Well hello hello Gov, Sena… I have no idea who he is actually.

So then wikipedia breaks down supporters into a few more segments.  For example, Hilly is being endorsed by S. Daniel Abraham, the founder of Slim Fast.

She is also endorsed by basically all of the leaders of Airbnb but IMO that is a waste of an endorsement because, hello, she is not staying at an Airbnb.

Martha Stewart endorsed her, which makes sense because they have the same hair cut.

Russell Simmons endorsed her, but I wonder if Rev. Run did.

Corey Feldman endorsed HC.  I mean, I dunno if I would even want that one if I were running for el presendente.  Like “Thanks Corey, and ah, rehab is to your right.”

There are a TON of celebrities that endorsed her that I have never heard of.  Like, fucking ever.  I am pretty sure “GloZell” is not real.

Amy Schumer is on Team Hill.  Honestly, she is funny as fuck. Her HBO special made me pee my pants.  Twice.

In case you were not sure which way your vote was going, LiLo endorsed Hill.  Does she know that there is actually more than one choice? Is she old enough to vote? Does she drive Herbie to the polling station?

Oh shit. Next up “Athletes and Sports Figures.” This should be good.

God Damn,  first one up, Julia Clukey, a luger.  I could watch that shit all day.

Not gonna lie, Hilly doesn’t have too many athletes behind her….  That could be the swing vote. Oh, she has Hope Solo.  Isn’t she the one who beat up her husband? Allegedly of course.

Media Personalities – you can’t make this up…. Farrah Abraham…. The Teen Mom who takes it up the hoop? ON TV???? Good for her.  Not for where she let’s it go, but for letting us know who her vote is with.

Pandora Boxx (yes, 2 x’s). I don’t know who that is, but I don’t want to click on it because I don’t want the porn virus on my laptop and well, obvi.

Sally Jessy Raphael.  She is still alive????

Oh, here come some goodies…..  RuPaul, basically all of the Kardashians (because I am POSITIVE they vote), Victoria Gotti -Um, this is fucking fantastic because she was on Celebrity Apprentice.

From the “Voice Artists” she has “Foxygen, band.”  Like is, that how they actually vote? So they go to Abbott Hall and are like “First name Foxy, last name Band.”

She has Ja Rule and Ghostface Killah behind her.  Which is good as long as you can vote from prison.  She has some guy named “Rah Digga” which seems like something Farrah Abraham does in the bedroom.

Welp, Kanye is voting for her, so I am all set.  That guy annoys me.

Falling under “I can’t make this up” there is an advocacy group named “Hookers for Hillary”, so that is good.

OK, who is under Team Donald?  Let’s see.

OK, I am not going to be the one to state the obvious, but he doesn’t have quite as many politicians who support him. He has some guy named “Mike Crapo” Which made me giggle because I am a child. That is really it for politicians…. Remember that one guy who showed his dong on social media? Weinergate. I wonder who gets his vote.

He has this guy too, and I have no idea who he is, but I am currently obsessed with his hair

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Brush my hair and tell me I am pretty….

Under business people, he has Pete Coors, chairman of MillerCoors. So that is kind of big IMO.  Then he has this guy, who is about as decisive as my 5 year old… Kenneth Langone, co-founder of The Home Depot (previously endorsed Chris Christie then John Kasich.) Doesn’t seen like he has a ton of international support, but they are making a big deal of this…. Paula White, televangelist

Under Actors, he has Dean Cain… Superman?  That seems legit. He has Lou Ferrigno! No shit, he has Superman and The Hulk! This is like every 7 year olds dream!

He has this list, which…. .Which…..

Eva Lovia (es), pornographic actress and stripper.  Amy Lindsay, actress and former softcore pornographic film performer. Brandi Love, adult model and pornographic actress.  Do you think that is really her name?

Well, I’ll be darned. He gets Caitlyn Jenner.  I would not have guessed that. Oh, and Curt Schilling (well, sure). Well shit, he has Don King…. And some guy who is the coach of the “Washington State Cougars” falling under “can’t make this up” He has basically all of NASCAR and Hulk Hogan, so that is really, really good. He gets Sexy Rexy!  Things are really shaping up for Trump here. Between team porn and SexyRexy areyoukiddingme?!

Under Commentators and writers he has Yong Muk Han, China-based Korean scholar and  Liangliang He, anchor on Hong Kong–based Mandarin and Cantonese-language broadcaster which, I could have SWORN you had to be a US Citizen or naturalized, but HARAMBE, what do I know?!? !

He a handful of singers, to include: P-Diddy, Wayne Newton, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Kenny Rogers, Gene Simmons and Young Dro, so basically, if you are out of pot, hit up a Trump campaign.

He does have Joe “The Plumber” so that is important to know.

Under organizations he has Rent Is Too Damn High Party, which I’m like “Ya bro”

OK, perhaps Trumps best category,  is Media Personalities…..

1. Teresa Guidice (you know, from RHWONJ).  2.  Jesse James (you know, from cheating on Sandra Bullock), 3. Omarosa (listed as “Baptist minister” sure thing). 4. From team poop hoop he has Tila Tequila, 5.  He has not only his CURRENT wife, but his EX-WIFE and she is named as “former athlete” FYI, I would NOT vote for the husband formally known as Mr. Nara.

Under “other” he has these two folks, and I am SHOCKED they are not voting Hilly:

Juanita Broaddrick, former nursing home administrator, accused Bill Clinton of rape
Paula Jones, former Arkansas state employee, accused Bill Clinton of sexual harassment

Well, there you have it folks.  Our 2016 candidates in review.