Scared for the one I love….

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It’s weird. I always try and keep my blogs about my current life and funny.  Because, well, generally my life is always a hot mess pretty fucking funny. Let’s face it, the last few years have not been easy on me (or my grey hair for that matter), but you know what, your ex-husband gets engaged to his mistress you realize you are WAY fucking stronger than you ever thought, you get through.  You just do…. First and foremost for me, is always my minimuffin tops (shout out to my fellow fat kids)….. They are really my whole heart and soul.  They remind me the things I am good at (laundry) and the things I am not (cooking, Bigs told me the other night his dinner smelled like “Beaver food” which brings in the question “You eat fucking beaver food dude?”)…..  Anyholla.

I knew, in my heart, I knew I would never be ready for these upcoming weeks, but now, I just have this heaviness in my heart and pit in my stomach (it’s not even because I am hungry, which I always am)….. #peewee is starting school….. Interesting fact, he has actually gone to a “special needs” program for 3 years now.  Three fucking years.  When he started, he couldn’t speak.  He couldn’t walk up stairs. Couldn’t even consider walking down stairs. He couldn’t run.  Well, now, he doesn’t shut up, he has a candor about him when he speaks that is nothing short of hysterical, does not even consider holding my hand walking up stairs, and actually runs (although, he sort of looks like a cartoon character when he does, still)…..

But here I am, filling out his back to school paperwork, for him to go to a different school than his brother, because as amazing as our town is, they can’t service him with his needs in district…. So, the little puff pastry will go into a class with 15 other kiddos he doesn’t know.  He will be “that kid” you know, the one who has his own teacher, because he still can’t write, he can’t hold a pencil, he can’t go to the bathroom alone, he gets confused. He’s scared.

Selfishly, I’m scared.  I’m so scared.  I’m proud of him that when he was able to run, he no longer had to wear braces on his legs.  I’m proud of him that he hardly has to use sign language to speak to me anymore.  I’m proud of him that he can try and play with other kids.  I’m so scared.  I know he’s different.  His brother knows he’s different. Deep down inside, I feel it in my heart that even he knows he is different. So I lay awake at night, scared. Scared he will get picked on more than he already does.  Scared more people will ask “What’s wrong with him.” (Sidebar, props to me for not cold clocking the bitch outside of Dunks the other day who asked me that, I just said “Him, nothing, you, appears as though quite a bit is.”).

So, as I fill out his paperwork, I wonder questions that no parent should ever have to wonder.  Will he be able to go on field trips? Will he go to gym class? Will music class be too loud for him? Will someone help him carry his pizza to his desk on pizza day? How am I going to get him to understand that his beloved “guys” can’t go to this school, and that there is no “school boo” to snuggle if he gets scared? What will happen if he needs me, but doesn’t know how to say it? Mostly, what happens when he gets picked on?  Because he already does. And I know he will.  Just because he is different.  He doesn’t love any less, he likes the same things as other 5 year old boys, but he is different. And different isn’t “cool.” What will happen now? What will happen in one year, or three or five?

So my beloved friends and family, if (when) I am bitchy (ier) than I normally am, it’s just because I am scared.

 

To my potential suitors, don’t call me mommy. Ever.

A few weeks ago, I was with a friend of mine, and she was really encouraging me to actually TRY to make dating work.  Look, I know it may seem like my life is a shitshow, but it actually really is. Wait, did I say that wrong? Yes.  Yes, it is a shit show.  TBH, I didn’t think dating would be hard AT ALL. Then, well, then I realized “I have NO fucking idea what I want.”  So far, I have done a pretty ok job of figuring out what I DON’T want. This weekend, the minimuffintops were elsewhere, and I was like “Know what, I am going to reply to these messages I get and see what happens!”

Enter in Friday night.  Out with a BF for drinks / dins/ drinks / hangovers / lack of sleep. When I notice I get a message on my phone from a really handsome guy! (sidebar, I have a very strict “putchafuckinphoneaway” rule when with friends. I swear, you are not missing anything. I am right here).  Point being, it actually was weird for me to see a message.

We banter back and forth for a bit and OMG, he is funny too!  So, we invite him to meet us for a drink. I really hope you don’t think this ends in a love story, I’m not that kind of gal.  He meets us at the bar, and I SHIT YOU FUCKING NOT HE STARTS FUCKING SINGING SHOW TUNES.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.  It was literally like “Tooomorrow, toooomorrow, I lovya, tomorrow.”THERE WERE HAND MOTIONS! You know those sort of waving, double hand wave motion. Yup.  That was happening.

It gets worse, I am not kidding, it actually gets worse.  I sent this text to one of those few people in your life, you can give them a 3 second overview, and they actually know everything that happened.

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Yup.  That happened. And I literally was like “No, that’s so cool when 39 year old guys live at home, not weird at all.”

But, I was like “Nara, come on, try and be positive, everyone doesn’t live at home.” (Right, like amirite?). So gosh darn it, I was going to open these messages and meet some of these not totally weird, not living in their mom’s basement guys! I fucking crack myself up.

First things first…. I seem to attract younger guys, like,” I could get arrested for buying alcohol for minors” younger.

There was this guy.  Now, I also have to share a few points from his profile, because Handsome_Walt could NOT be more into himself. “Unrepentant hedonist” (what is that? Is that when you are naked all the time?) “Recovering alcoholic” (oh, clearly we are a match). “Willing to defend my beliefs to the death as well as yours.” I AM SORRY WHAT? WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT? “I’m really good at gunfighting.” OK, not “Shooting at the range” gunfighting? Who the fuck are you fighting Handsome_Walt? Favorite books: “War Movies.” Wait, what? Is “War movies” a book? Things I can’t live without “Suits, guns, coffee and women.” OK, ok Walt, you are TWENTY FUCKING EIGHT. Believe me, you can, in fact, live without suits.  You can. On a typical Friday night I am  “Trolling for scumbags.” THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. I sent this message back.

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By this point, as you can imagine, I was really feeling like things were going pretty well.  I mean, I was 0/2 so statistically speaking, I was…. Wait. Wrong way with the numbers.

Small sampling of some of the other really great messages I got.

At least this guy came right out and said it.

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I just don’t, don’t do pet names. I also don’t do “ello.” Did you save that much time not typing the  “H”

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But look, I went from a 21% match, to a 0% match, to a 44% match (do you really need more than 44?)…. .So things HAD to be looking up.

I suppose they were looking up if you are into 15 year age gaps (I mean, give or take, let’s not be picky).

His profile says he is looking for single women between 18-28.  So math is a strong point on this one. Noted.

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Is this one old enough to say “Sexy”….. I feel like “no” is the correct answer to that.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE????  Does everyone have mommy complex? Sidebar to my potential suitors, don’t, just don’t call me mommy.  Ok?

AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE 27 YEAR OLDS DOING ON DATING WEBSITES??? Go to a bar, go do ANYTHING.  You do that shit when you are old like me.

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At this point, I was ready to throw in the ole towel, but was saved by this gem. Yup.This is my life.

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Imma stock up on cat food and wine.

 

Sausage fingers.

For starters….  I just feel like we all need to clear the air on something.  Yes, I blog. No, it isn’t about you… Don’t be so vain.  You think if I didn’t sign on the dotted line to write a book about the Former Mr. Nara for cold hard cash, that I am going to write about the potential Future Mr. Nara??? I say this, because I get a lot of inquiries that go something like this:

  1. If you won’t write about me, I want to date you
  2. If you won’t write about my friend, I will introduce you
  3. If you promise TO write about me, I want to date you

The fuck?  THE ACTUAL FUCK? Ah, I said I am not writing about Mr. Nara now not, “ever.”. Just gotta wait for that court order to be lifted.  Anyjolla.

Anyway, just needed to get that out there….. So, here we are again, recapping my hot sexy dates….. There have been so many it is actually hard to keep track… Did that sound real? Yes?

Some updates, because I have been a biiizzee lil beaver.  OMG, don’t get gross. I dumped Tinder.  I feel like there is legit not a single person on there who is not crazy.  Wait, maybe I should be on there?  Maybe Tinder IS my thing????  I have spent a TON to time thinking that my expectations are WAY too high…. So, I took a look at my ole Bumble profile….. Ready….. Because this is ACTUALLY what it says. Oh, and be sure to send me your edits / enhancements.

Me: Was married for 10 years, but decided online dating seemed more fun.  Have a great job, beautiful home and 2 mini-me’s.  I am super skeptical of online dating, but having trouble meeting “the one” when sitting at home watching Bravo TV.  You: don’t play Pokemon go.

Honestly, my only expectation is that you don’t play fucking Pokemon? THAT IS IT? I didn’t even put in there “please have a job and not live in mom’s basement” because apparently I don’t even give a shit about that anymore?????? My best friend in the entire world keeps telling me to slow the fuck down. (I don’t know why?)…… But then I realize my expectation is just that you don’t glue your phone to your hand???  To backtrack.  Mr. Nara 1.0 moved on FAST.  Like, SO FAST that we were still happily married when he moved on. Wait, I should prolly omit the “happily.” But her point is, don’t settle for some DB who lives in moms basement.

So then, I went through some of my “matches” and what their profiles said, really analyzing them…..

First, EVERY guy puts their height on there….. So I am starting to be concerned that my total lack of height is going to be a problem. Is it too late for those growth drugs? Or, that I am going to end up with a guy who is the same height as me. And that is a nope.

Second, I noticed that quite a few people take selfies in some filthy setting or sitting on furniture from 1968. Not kidding, so if you are supposed to “show” what you like, these people like burlap and dishes.  Noted.

Third – Is there a SINGLE – LITERALLY – Single fucking guy out there who doesn’t fall into one of these categories:  1. A pilot, 2. Into rock climbing (can’t make this up), 3. Shirtless, 4. Rides a motorcycle, 5. Says “no drama” (sidebar, you ARE drama, if you are saying “no drama”)

Fourth – The expectations of people are really a bit weird (not “weird” like “don’t play pokemon”) but like a little creepy.  Expectations I have seen:

  • must have long hair
  • must act like a lady at ALL times
  • must be petite and VERY fit
  • must be ready to be a woman

To which I respond:

  • only if you pull it
  • what does a lady do ALL the time
  • very fit? but, but you, are not very fit at ALL.
  • as opposed to?????

And last, there is this whole new level of sexuality out there now. I don’t mean like the profile is like “I like sex” No, that would be way too easy, I mean, I have to google this shit.  And not from my work laptop.  Androgynyous, Androphillic, bicurious, intersex.  Ok, look, I am a “be who you want to be person” but at least make it easy for me and say what it means… Because, guess what, “intersex” doesn’t mean “intosex”  Made that mistake once.

Then, went through some of the messages I have gotten:

Today 12:21am

Hi my name is Chuck how’re are u?

Today – 9:20 am

Morning. How’re was your night?

Well Chuck, I am not sure what you do for those hours between MIDNIGHT and 9am, but shit sure got crazy around this fucking joint.  The first thing I did, was work on basic grammar and spelling, you?

I should mention that “chucks” name on this site is “ihave1hummer2”  Anyway you look at that, it’s fucked up.

Chris2phaa (am I the only one who wonders what that means?) said “ello punkin, how u?” WHAT FUCKING SCHOOL DID YOU ALL COME FROM????

From X2mcx2 “Into younger guys? You’re beautiful.” HE IS NINETEEN… NINE + TEN. Isn’t that illegal????

From ResMedian “Best profile in the business, but I hate dogs, but you have some kick ass lines.”  I asked him to marry me. He disabled his account.  Too much?

From Arthur045, WHO, I might mention is a 12% match….. “Hi goodmorning sweetheart how are you sweetie so beautiful.”  Is this an actual thing?  This can’t spell, run on sentences?  Like, are people like “OMG Arthur045, take me out now and talk to me in runons.”  Is that what I have to look forward too?  I’m not saying 1.0 was all that smart but jesus.

Brendan, 39 – “Hi, I don’t eat bread.”  I’m sorry, now I just think I am getting fucking punked.

BillieBoris (which is it, Billy or Boris?) – What award did the police give you? (On the picture of me getting sworn in)…. So close Billdo.

Cas_09 “Hi there how are you? Stopping by to say hi. Can we be friends?”

Stopping by where Cas?  My profile? You stop there? That doesn’t even make sense?

 

So then, some quick stats.

Opening messages that I comment on a dog, 2.  Responses that the dog died, 2.

Messages from men CLEARLY wearing wedding rings: 5

Times I have swiped “Yep” when I meant “no no”: uncountable.  Literally.  Sausage fingers.

Times my phone has defaulted my location to New Orleans: 3

Guys who were totally 2.0 material BUT based in NO: 3

And a few discoveries:

I attract MUCH younger men. I am very concerned about cougar / mommy complex at this stage of the game

I gravitate toward people who have animals in their profile pictures.  I actually “yupped” a guy holding a bunny.  Truth.

I notice that people change their age constantly.  There is a guy I know who has gone from 37 to 49 in just a few days.

So, I suppose I will just keep up with my real life.  You know, the life when Bigs tells all of his friends I am a professional bacon tester, and pee wee has so much speech therapy he speaks like an exchange student.  No really “Oh, heeeo. You, you, lok beatfil on this day.”  Thanks Hong Li. I mean, pee wee. You know, our normal life, when pee wee goes and JUMPS OFF THE DIVING BOARD ONLY FUCKER CAN’T SWIM.  Our life when Bigs is like “I will only answer you if you talk to me in a dog voice.” And I do. Yea, that life.

 

 

 

 

Hot sexy date #2….

I kid.  Just me writing about our current presidential candidates.  Although that would be cute if I went on a date.  Because then I could blog about it, but I wouldn’t….. Kind of like the people who think I am either going to write about my divorce or my stalker…. Notahappenin.  Mostly bc I love when my stalker leaves me booze, so I don’t want to piss off him/her. And the court system says I shouldn’t write about my divorce, which is good, because I was LEGIT blacked out during most of it that would not be nice.

Focus people. I always have a certain level of curiosity of what celebrities are endorsing presidential candidates.  Why? Idunnno.  It isn’t like I am going to contribute to some cocktail party by being like “Oh, the election, did you know Britt Britt is endorsing Hillary?” OK, I might.  I think that part of my interest is when people claim to be total experts on something (insert when I quit Facebook because of Harambe the gorilla,  and everyone was a fucking gorilla expert.  RIP Harambe).

Anyway…. Now that we are down to the final 2, it seems like as good a time as ever to take a little lookie  at the lists, shall we?

On Team Hillary.

Bill Clinton.  Ok, why did that make me giggle?  Do you think that when he is campaigning for her he is ever like “My wife Monica, I mean, HILLARY, hahaha.”  I just ask because I get names fucked up all the time.  Not like he would have a reason to.

There then is a long list of current and future politicians who are endorsing her, and honestly, no one cares about it with the exception of these two.

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I love a good matching hat and pocket square combo.
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Well hello hello Gov, Sena… I have no idea who he is actually.

So then wikipedia breaks down supporters into a few more segments.  For example, Hilly is being endorsed by S. Daniel Abraham, the founder of Slim Fast.

She is also endorsed by basically all of the leaders of Airbnb but IMO that is a waste of an endorsement because, hello, she is not staying at an Airbnb.

Martha Stewart endorsed her, which makes sense because they have the same hair cut.

Russell Simmons endorsed her, but I wonder if Rev. Run did.

Corey Feldman endorsed HC.  I mean, I dunno if I would even want that one if I were running for el presendente.  Like “Thanks Corey, and ah, rehab is to your right.”

There are a TON of celebrities that endorsed her that I have never heard of.  Like, fucking ever.  I am pretty sure “GloZell” is not real.

Amy Schumer is on Team Hill.  Honestly, she is funny as fuck. Her HBO special made me pee my pants.  Twice.

In case you were not sure which way your vote was going, LiLo endorsed Hill.  Does she know that there is actually more than one choice? Is she old enough to vote? Does she drive Herbie to the polling station?

Oh shit. Next up “Athletes and Sports Figures.” This should be good.

God Damn,  first one up, Julia Clukey, a luger.  I could watch that shit all day.

Not gonna lie, Hilly doesn’t have too many athletes behind her….  That could be the swing vote. Oh, she has Hope Solo.  Isn’t she the one who beat up her husband? Allegedly of course.

Media Personalities – you can’t make this up…. Farrah Abraham…. The Teen Mom who takes it up the hoop? ON TV???? Good for her.  Not for where she let’s it go, but for letting us know who her vote is with.

Pandora Boxx (yes, 2 x’s). I don’t know who that is, but I don’t want to click on it because I don’t want the porn virus on my laptop and well, obvi.

Sally Jessy Raphael.  She is still alive????

Oh, here come some goodies…..  RuPaul, basically all of the Kardashians (because I am POSITIVE they vote), Victoria Gotti -Um, this is fucking fantastic because she was on Celebrity Apprentice.

From the “Voice Artists” she has “Foxygen, band.”  Like is, that how they actually vote? So they go to Abbott Hall and are like “First name Foxy, last name Band.”

She has Ja Rule and Ghostface Killah behind her.  Which is good as long as you can vote from prison.  She has some guy named “Rah Digga” which seems like something Farrah Abraham does in the bedroom.

Welp, Kanye is voting for her, so I am all set.  That guy annoys me.

Falling under “I can’t make this up” there is an advocacy group named “Hookers for Hillary”, so that is good.

OK, who is under Team Donald?  Let’s see.

OK, I am not going to be the one to state the obvious, but he doesn’t have quite as many politicians who support him. He has some guy named “Mike Crapo” Which made me giggle because I am a child. That is really it for politicians…. Remember that one guy who showed his dong on social media? Weinergate. I wonder who gets his vote.

He has this guy too, and I have no idea who he is, but I am currently obsessed with his hair

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Brush my hair and tell me I am pretty….

Under business people, he has Pete Coors, chairman of MillerCoors. So that is kind of big IMO.  Then he has this guy, who is about as decisive as my 5 year old… Kenneth Langone, co-founder of The Home Depot (previously endorsed Chris Christie then John Kasich.) Doesn’t seen like he has a ton of international support, but they are making a big deal of this…. Paula White, televangelist

Under Actors, he has Dean Cain… Superman?  That seems legit. He has Lou Ferrigno! No shit, he has Superman and The Hulk! This is like every 7 year olds dream!

He has this list, which…. .Which…..

Eva Lovia (es), pornographic actress and stripper.  Amy Lindsay, actress and former softcore pornographic film performer. Brandi Love, adult model and pornographic actress.  Do you think that is really her name?

Well, I’ll be darned. He gets Caitlyn Jenner.  I would not have guessed that. Oh, and Curt Schilling (well, sure). Well shit, he has Don King…. And some guy who is the coach of the “Washington State Cougars” falling under “can’t make this up” He has basically all of NASCAR and Hulk Hogan, so that is really, really good. He gets Sexy Rexy!  Things are really shaping up for Trump here. Between team porn and SexyRexy areyoukiddingme?!

Under Commentators and writers he has Yong Muk Han, China-based Korean scholar and  Liangliang He, anchor on Hong Kong–based Mandarin and Cantonese-language broadcaster which, I could have SWORN you had to be a US Citizen or naturalized, but HARAMBE, what do I know?!? !

He a handful of singers, to include: P-Diddy, Wayne Newton, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Kenny Rogers, Gene Simmons and Young Dro, so basically, if you are out of pot, hit up a Trump campaign.

He does have Joe “The Plumber” so that is important to know.

Under organizations he has Rent Is Too Damn High Party, which I’m like “Ya bro”

OK, perhaps Trumps best category,  is Media Personalities…..

1. Teresa Guidice (you know, from RHWONJ).  2.  Jesse James (you know, from cheating on Sandra Bullock), 3. Omarosa (listed as “Baptist minister” sure thing). 4. From team poop hoop he has Tila Tequila, 5.  He has not only his CURRENT wife, but his EX-WIFE and she is named as “former athlete” FYI, I would NOT vote for the husband formally known as Mr. Nara.

Under “other” he has these two folks, and I am SHOCKED they are not voting Hilly:

Juanita Broaddrick, former nursing home administrator, accused Bill Clinton of rape
Paula Jones, former Arkansas state employee, accused Bill Clinton of sexual harassment

Well, there you have it folks.  Our 2016 candidates in review.

 

 

 

Hot, sexy online date #1.

I thought that for my next blog, I would write about all of the hot, sexy steamy details of my online dates, except that there have been exactly zero.  So that blog would be like “Still eating grilled cheese in bed.  The end.”

To say that I have been actively dating since divorce would be a total fucking lie a bit of a stretch.  Idunno, the concept is still weird, I honestly live a busy life, have a great career, my mini muffin tops, etc.  So the reality is, I need someone who understands that I need to be fed every three hours I don’t have a TON of time to give, and that I am an awful cook who loves to cook, who will try and make you dinner, but will likely give you raging diarrhea can be a total girl (i.e. tell me I am beautiful and pet me). However, this past weekend I was at a get together when someone who I may or may not have slipped some cash to said “Let me tell you this, you are gorgeous and hysterical, you have a great job, a great family and anyone would be so lucky to have one date with you.” Welp, that was all I needed to dive back into the world of online dating!

It’s interesting, after being married for as long as I was, you get a chance to really figure out what you want, and likely more importantly what you don’t want. However, once you figure out what you “don’t” want, you start to really rule out a tremendous number of potential suitors.

For example.  I don’t want a gym rat.  Why? The artist formally known as Mr. Nara 1.0 was a total gym rat. I don’t want to have to explain to someone that yes, it is weird for you to miss your child’s birthday because you need to beef up (yes, that happened, it was birthday #4, which started at 10:00 am, at our home, and 1.0 then mowed the lawn and got shitfaced in front of the other parents.  Good times had by all). Well, so that is sort of a drag, because it means I miss out on guys like this, Richard, 45.  And let’s face it, who doesn’t love a guy who takes a picture of himself, shirtless, in a locker room, with the stall door that he clearly just took a shit in wide open. Le sigh. Sorry Dick.  As a sidebar, I also love the guys who post these shirtless pictures, but NOTHING ELSE. Like “I actually don’t work, or enjoy ANYTHING, other than my moobs.”

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You don’t mind if I call you Dick, do you? 

Another thing I have realized I don’t want, is a car enthusiast.  Why, because I associate all car people with honda civics with holes drilled in the muffler to make it louder A to B people.  The purpose of a car is for your kids to have a back up to where they are going to crush up their food other than the sofa to get you back and forth. No shit, yesterday, I was putting brother in the car, and he picked up a French fry and ate it.  I have no clue where it came from, or how old it was, but yup, my pride and joy actually picked up floor trash and ate it. Can you even imagine how much a “car guy” would hate me?  But again, drag of all drags, Imma miss out on this guy.  Jerry, 41, who apparently only all caps types and really loves his Chevy Malibu. I bet Jerry, 41, totally doesn’t have to ask his mother to take the car.  Like “Ma, can I take the nice car tonight, ya know, the Malibu.”  Also, points for backing that bitch in to park it.

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Totally not Jerry’s moms car.

However, there were a few guys who I bet don’t have heads in their freezers actually swiped “yup” on.   Like this guy, who is clearly my spirit fucking animal. I actually was like “Courthouse, now, you + me = married.” He didn’t swipe me back. Was my proposal too aggressive? Honestly, if anyone knows this guy, slip him a roofie my number.

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JASON! IT’S ME! YOUR TINDERELLA!!!!! 

I also yupped this guy, because he is a wrestling referee, and lately, I have been calling my mini muffins the “rabid fighting kittens” because they are ALWAYS wrestling (FYI, brother wins) and let’s be practical, if Robert, 41, wants to play referee, then who am I to say no?

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I am not normally into bald, morbidly obese men, but for Robert, 41, I would change.

I swiped “yup”” on Chris, 42, because HELLO DID YOU READ HIS FUCKING PROFILE? And he wants kids? I mean, he can just HAVE mine.  He also didn’t yup me back, but I am pretty sure he will.

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Chris, 42, distribute your wine over here.

And last, but obvi not least. I swiped on this dog.

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Anyone else notice that Brian is confused about his age?

So there you have it friends, I think I have some really great prospects and and I am PUMPED to be online dating!!!!

No I don’t google “Snoring bunnies” who told you that?

So after what can only be described as a disastrous 72 hours, my bests were like “Nara, you have GOT to get out there.”  There, being the dating world.  In my vodka hangover fog of letdown and sadness, I decided that maybe they were right….. The entire concept of dating is just SO weird to me.  You are telling me I have to stop Googling “teenie animals being cute,” get dressed, leave my house and go make conversation with a stranger?  How does this even make sense? How did I get here (I mean, I “know” how I got here, I got divorced, then the doctah wanted to have a baby, I didn’t, fast forward a bit and here we are)??? And this ACTUALLY works?

As much as I wanted to disagree with them, and let them know that I was positive I would find someone while I was sitting on my couch watching Bravo TV, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind… I had recently been told I was an “ish” You know, “prettyish, niceish” this was “datingish.” It made me realize that much like my stalker who thinks he knows everything about me I thought I had one thing, and turns out, it was something totally different. It was “ish” They were right.  It was time.

Being such a skeptic of online dating, we went through (literally, the only one us assholes could come up with) a few other options.  Deciding they were correct, taking a full size ad out in the Boston Globe that said “Date our friend please we are fucking begging you” wouldn’t work, ONLY because people don’t read the paper anymore. Not because that is a totally worthless idea.

So there I was.  22 + 17 years old, in front of my computer, totally not googling “baby bunnies snoring” googling “best dating apps” when this happened.

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And then this.

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So right out of the gate, things were going swimmingly well.

I decided that clearly the sugar daddy site was the best option for me I may want to dig a bit deeper and get over my insult of being a “cougar.”  After doing some looking around, I selected a few sites.  As a total sidebar, why isn’t there a dating site linked to my LinkedIn? Do you know how smart that site makes me look? I would be a slam dunk.  There would be no “ish” off of that one.  Moving on.

After writing my brief “about me” and putting up some pictures of myself from 8 years ago, I was excited to see who my matches would be!  My phone instantly blew up with 166 matches. Which, I thought was a bit aggressive, but again, what do I know.  Welp, people, let me tell you, it appears that yet again, I am way fucking smarter than the general population, I was right, this online dating thing is nothing short of fucking hysterical.

I started a tally sheet (no, I really did, see).1

17 people messaged me to tell me that my name is unique.  I finally started messaging back “No it isn’t, it was #3 on the top 100 baby names of 2015, dick.” I mean, there has GOT to be a better opening line, right?

Oh just wait, there sure is! 24 people messaged me with some sort of variation of “you are pretty.” Really, so on the street, you meet someone, and that is your opening line? AND IT WORKS???? More and more I was realizing that I was REALLY out of the game. I was also realizing that saying “Nice profile pic” is like saying “Would you like to get a drink, you seem like a lovely person.”

The people who send awful messages were pretty easy to filter out, but now, it was time to look at some profiles! Because I am a total fucking idiot who has no idea how this game works was really trying to have an open mind, I decided to really look at these fellows, not be my standard critical self, and try to at least attempt to have an open mind (I mean, let’s face the music folks, I wouldn’t be here if the people I met NOT online had worked out). So, while trying to stay positive, and reminding myself that darn it, I am a good catch, I started to look at some profiles. And then I cried.  And bought cat litter.  Even though I don’t have cats, but clearly, I will soon.

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At this point, I was honestly feeling pretty fucking bad for myself.  I mean, is THIS what I am destined to? I don’t feel like I am asking for a lot? A partner? A companion? Someone who wants to send me a “hi” text in the morning…. I don’t even need someone there every day (which, I guess I should rethink the airplane driver). But this is my pick? It had to get better ?  Nope.

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Yup, by this point, I had sweaty pits and had texted the doctah like “So ah, still want to have a baby? Remind me again how pretty and perfect I am and then tell me that someone who isn’t sleepy is going to tell me that.”  He was like “New phone, who dis?”

I tried one more time to tell myself to have an open mind, but it came out more like: “Beautiful princess, with golden locks of hair, Nara, you want a companion, this is just a show.  A stage.”

So as I shut down these dating sites, I reminded myself “Nara, with the unique name, it could be worse, you could be this.”

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This thing still on?

So any yolla, I had to take a break from the old book of face…. Why, you ask?  Well, because when that gorilla, Harambe, got shot, I had NO idea that I had so many friends on book of face that were gorilla experts….. It actually made me feel like a total idiot that I, for one, didn’t know as much about gorillas as all of my friends (some would say, that I know what I am an expert in and that “gorillas” are not one of those things, but ya know, that’s cool)……  Ironically enough, I also had quite a few friends who I didn’t realize were doctors of fucking perfect parenting, and they had quite a bit to say too…. If you can believe this shit, I am ALSO not a perfect parent.  Not a gorilla expert, not a perfect parent.  #lifefail

The timing was somewhat ironic, because I had also been debating taking a blog break….. It’s odd, when you blog, often times, people think they “know” you… But the thing is, you are really just writing a story…. YES – all of this shit happens to me, it literally ALL does, but, that doesn’t make us BFF (so if that one creepster could stop emailing me, that would be roarsome, or at least be a “good” stalker and bring wine)…. I had been contacted by a small online company that may have been porn based publishing company to write a series of blogs, and while at first I loved the idea, then it felt forced….. listen, if it were up to me, and I could do it all over, and I wouldn’t fail, I would either be a writer, or a professional eater.  It is a total toss up.  But imma do it on my own time.

It also seems as though my life has been SUPER laid back as of late…. But then I realized, “Nope, you are just sedated enough that this shit just roooollllsss off.”  So, I did what I do because I am almost always blacked out and I went back through my photos to try and remember things that had happened.

I suppose I will just work backwards (forward? Backwards? Like if I start from now and go in the other direction?)……  So Sunday was Father’s day, the mini’s and I decided to pack up the ole family wagon and head to papa and yaya’s, it’s sort of our lil bliss place.

You need to understand, it is a 3 minute drive.  THREE FUCKING MINUTES……  It was so strange though, because we are driving along West Shore Drive (AKA, “main drag #2 of 01945”) and there were the LOUDEST gunshots….. So in my perfect state of sedation, I was like “Bigs, dude, you hear all those gunshots.” And he was like “I do.”  And we kept driving.  And the gunshots kept following us.  And then I was like “Wait, maybe they WEREN’T gun shots?” (I mean, it would be weird if they weren’t, because that is so fucking common in 01945, but go with me)…. I all of the sudden realize, that the gunshots are coming from my car……  So rather than freak out when I SHOULD have, I now freak out about something I can ACTUALLY deal with…… Imma like “Bigs, the gunshots are coming from my car! Something is wrong with it, you’re 8, fix it!”  However, because I am a totally rational pretty princess, I am clearly not stopping to identify the noise, I actually just drive faster.  At this point, Bigs is like “Mom, I will pray for our safety.” And imma like “Fuck yea god.” We make it to papa and yayas house, and obvi I celebrate my three mile drive with wine.  Then today, this falls off of my car.   I sort of flash back to the gunshots, and all of that shit, and then am like “Well, I mean, it doesn’t seem like it is a super important car piece?”

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Do you love that I saved it? Like what the actual fuck do I think imma do with THIS? 

So then, I go backwards another day, to what we will refer to as “boat day.”  You need to understand that even though I grew up on the water, I get fucking boat sick like a mother fucker.  I am talking green just looking at a dock…. I didn’t even watch pee wee get swamped last summer because I knew I would puke. But, it was my birthday, and gosh darn it, when you turn 27 for the 12th time, you throw on a bikini and pee over the side of a boat I AM SORRY WHAT??? YOU WHAT??????  For those of you who didn’t know, there are two choices, this

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I am like more than 12% certain no one knew what I was doing.

or this

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No one should think I wouldn’t spill pee everywhere.

Pick your poison.

 

Reverse some more (not like drive in reverse,  because I am NOT a good backwards driver, like reverse in time a wee bit more)……. To this….  Biggie’s “Author’s Breakfast”  So cute, right, so fucking cute.  Here’s the thing… .When these guys (well, at least Bigs) started the old second grade (right, second? They are in second?) they were not WRITING novels, and now, well, now they aren’t either…. But we are going to celebrate all 22 of them writing about how a squirrel got his bushy tail (sidebar, they are so fucking cute).  Listen, I am a BIG believer that you celebrate successes big and small.  Our mini trio has had more than our fair share of heart break, so together, we celebrate the wins….. I honest to god need a lobotomy sometimes.  Because I ACTUALLY thought it would be a good idea to take brother to the Author’s Breakfast.  That he would be REALLY good.  Nope.  By like kid #1 he was ready to go…. Don’t panic brother, because Quinn is DEAD LAST. He legit read about his squirrel and I was pitting so much from trying to tame brother that I was like “Nice job learning how to write a book, peace.”

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“And then the squirrel got a bushy tail.” x 22

So, last but not least, everyone always wants an update on my very lame dating life…. Well friends, I will have you know, that a friend of mine talked me into trying online dating…… And this happened.

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Imma just date cats.

Because.  Right.