This April, I was blessed enough (I had to put that in there, because I can’t stand when people #blessed) took the minis to sunny FLA. More on all of the deets of the trip, our doings, getting yelled at, the one time bigs almost drown (well, one time I saw), flooding the kitchen, etc etc, but first, lemme tell you about a trip we took to the ole Animal Kingdom.
It was day 2 of what shall be known as our “Disney Excursion.” Listen, I am NOT a Disney person (not saying they are weird, but they are, I have never seen so many adults dressed up in fucking costumes when it is 98 degrees, except for that one time I went to a drag show and that actually seemed more approp than these people just walking around with ears on their heads and matching “family vacation” T shirts it is just not my gig). Again, more on all of that later, but, let’s just start with a lil safari we took.
Apparently there are “do’s” and “don’ts” to the Disney parks. I have no idea what any of them are, because I am a pretty bad parent and didn’t read about any of this stuff, but seems like this “Safari” is on the solid “Yep” list.
My general “order” to these parks (and, my life in general TBH) is “Ohhh, let’s just go in, and we will see what we find, I bet we will like something, and if we see a monkey, roarsome.” Ok, ok, I suppose when you are dropping some serious Disney dollahas on this, you may want to, oh, idunno, see if there is an app for that or something, but again, I didn’t. (Sidebar, it is more like I can’t, I can’t plan every second of my life, and to plan even a single second of vacation, is just everything I am not, interesting fact, Disney parks average 52,000+ people a day. Ever stood in line with that many people? Right.).
So, as we are wondering around aimlessly, trying to find a tiger to pet (did you know that is frowned upon? What the fuck are they there for then? To “look” at? Lame.). I stumble on this safari (literally, one too many AM sangria). Oh! I totally have a déjà vu moment and am like “I think this is on the heeellllyep list.”
Now, you need to understand, that the parks put up these signs (for us assholes who don’t fastpass because they just can’t deal) and it tells you your wait time. I would say they are pretty accurate….. I see a sign that looks EXACTLY like this for the Safari.
There is only a 10 minute wait for someone to take me on a Safari and drive me around Africa for 22 minutes. Done. Sign me up.
OK, I am not very smart, totally on board with that, but when 41,000 of the 52,000 people at the park are in the same fucking line, it is not a 10 minute wait. I literally see people coming in with coolers and imma like “huh? 10 minutes you say?” But the thing is, once you are in these lines, you are kind of locked in. And by “kind of” I mean “totally fucking” And I am still thinking 10 minutes… Dudes, I have no fucking clue. Disney V card right here. So we are in line for about 20 minutes (which I feel like is longer than 10, but again, I am not very smart) when I send Pie this text.
THEY RAN OUT OF FUCKING ZEROS?????? How for fucks sake does that actually happen????? Can we sidebar how patient Pie is that I send him like 86 of these a day, AS IF HE CAN FIX IT?!?!?!? I hate myself.
Fast forward, fast forward, we get on what seems like a standard safari vehicle (because obvi I know). And I’m all like “Can we get a bartender here? I just waited for ten minutes one hundred minutes.”
OK, so imma tell you a lil Disney secret. When you finally make it on the truck, you know, for the Safari, there is a “good” side and a “bad” side. Guess which one I picked.
So the mini one and I saw a ton of awesome stuff. Like this:
Giant piles of shit. Lots of them.
This was pretty fantastic too. A giant pile of heeeeyyyyyyyyyy……
There may have been some animals on the left side, but I could not see past this guys hat, which was fine, because, I only waited 100 minutes. I should note too, that at this point, every “animal” that the driver “points out” MJ yells (and I mean YELLS) “DOGGIE, WOOF” or “IS DAT A REINDEER? WHERE IS SANTAS FAT BELLY?” So people were less than impressed with us. Shocking.
Good news is, they got this sign correct. Which is awesome. And I had a bangin view of it.
So, as you can imagine, I was already pretty fucking jazzed with this hot spots we had seen on safari, when the driver was like “PEOPLE ON THE RIGHT, THIS IS THE BEST THING YOU ARE GOING TO SEE!!!!!”
A fucking termite hill. You can’t make this shit up. At this point I jumped up and was like “WOOOOFUCKINGHOO, I LOVE TERMITES.” Because, ya know.
As we rounded the corner to end our 22 minute drive that we did not wait in line 10 minutes for, the driver is like “People on the right, people on the right, there is an animal on your side!”
You can’t even make this stuff up people. You really can’t.