This thing still on?

So any yolla, I had to take a break from the old book of face…. Why, you ask?  Well, because when that gorilla, Harambe, got shot, I had NO idea that I had so many friends on book of face that were gorilla experts….. It actually made me feel like a total idiot that I, for one, didn’t know as much about gorillas as all of my friends (some would say, that I know what I am an expert in and that “gorillas” are not one of those things, but ya know, that’s cool)……  Ironically enough, I also had quite a few friends who I didn’t realize were doctors of fucking perfect parenting, and they had quite a bit to say too…. If you can believe this shit, I am ALSO not a perfect parent.  Not a gorilla expert, not a perfect parent.  #lifefail

The timing was somewhat ironic, because I had also been debating taking a blog break….. It’s odd, when you blog, often times, people think they “know” you… But the thing is, you are really just writing a story…. YES – all of this shit happens to me, it literally ALL does, but, that doesn’t make us BFF (so if that one creepster could stop emailing me, that would be roarsome, or at least be a “good” stalker and bring wine)…. I had been contacted by a small online company that may have been porn based publishing company to write a series of blogs, and while at first I loved the idea, then it felt forced….. listen, if it were up to me, and I could do it all over, and I wouldn’t fail, I would either be a writer, or a professional eater.  It is a total toss up.  But imma do it on my own time.

It also seems as though my life has been SUPER laid back as of late…. But then I realized, “Nope, you are just sedated enough that this shit just roooollllsss off.”  So, I did what I do because I am almost always blacked out and I went back through my photos to try and remember things that had happened.

I suppose I will just work backwards (forward? Backwards? Like if I start from now and go in the other direction?)……  So Sunday was Father’s day, the mini’s and I decided to pack up the ole family wagon and head to papa and yaya’s, it’s sort of our lil bliss place.

You need to understand, it is a 3 minute drive.  THREE FUCKING MINUTES……  It was so strange though, because we are driving along West Shore Drive (AKA, “main drag #2 of 01945”) and there were the LOUDEST gunshots….. So in my perfect state of sedation, I was like “Bigs, dude, you hear all those gunshots.” And he was like “I do.”  And we kept driving.  And the gunshots kept following us.  And then I was like “Wait, maybe they WEREN’T gun shots?” (I mean, it would be weird if they weren’t, because that is so fucking common in 01945, but go with me)…. I all of the sudden realize, that the gunshots are coming from my car……  So rather than freak out when I SHOULD have, I now freak out about something I can ACTUALLY deal with…… Imma like “Bigs, the gunshots are coming from my car! Something is wrong with it, you’re 8, fix it!”  However, because I am a totally rational pretty princess, I am clearly not stopping to identify the noise, I actually just drive faster.  At this point, Bigs is like “Mom, I will pray for our safety.” And imma like “Fuck yea god.” We make it to papa and yayas house, and obvi I celebrate my three mile drive with wine.  Then today, this falls off of my car.   I sort of flash back to the gunshots, and all of that shit, and then am like “Well, I mean, it doesn’t seem like it is a super important car piece?”

car
Do you love that I saved it? Like what the actual fuck do I think imma do with THIS? 

So then, I go backwards another day, to what we will refer to as “boat day.”  You need to understand that even though I grew up on the water, I get fucking boat sick like a mother fucker.  I am talking green just looking at a dock…. I didn’t even watch pee wee get swamped last summer because I knew I would puke. But, it was my birthday, and gosh darn it, when you turn 27 for the 12th time, you throw on a bikini and pee over the side of a boat I AM SORRY WHAT??? YOU WHAT??????  For those of you who didn’t know, there are two choices, this

Pee
I am like more than 12% certain no one knew what I was doing.

or this

Bucket-a-day.jpg
No one should think I wouldn’t spill pee everywhere.

Pick your poison.

 

Reverse some more (not like drive in reverse,  because I am NOT a good backwards driver, like reverse in time a wee bit more)……. To this….  Biggie’s “Author’s Breakfast”  So cute, right, so fucking cute.  Here’s the thing… .When these guys (well, at least Bigs) started the old second grade (right, second? They are in second?) they were not WRITING novels, and now, well, now they aren’t either…. But we are going to celebrate all 22 of them writing about how a squirrel got his bushy tail (sidebar, they are so fucking cute).  Listen, I am a BIG believer that you celebrate successes big and small.  Our mini trio has had more than our fair share of heart break, so together, we celebrate the wins….. I honest to god need a lobotomy sometimes.  Because I ACTUALLY thought it would be a good idea to take brother to the Author’s Breakfast.  That he would be REALLY good.  Nope.  By like kid #1 he was ready to go…. Don’t panic brother, because Quinn is DEAD LAST. He legit read about his squirrel and I was pitting so much from trying to tame brother that I was like “Nice job learning how to write a book, peace.”

bigs
“And then the squirrel got a bushy tail.” x 22

So, last but not least, everyone always wants an update on my very lame dating life…. Well friends, I will have you know, that a friend of mine talked me into trying online dating…… And this happened.

IMG_0924 (1)
Imma just date cats.

Because.  Right.

Why I will never online date, part 2. Right?2? No?

Here’s the gig.  I legit 100% slammed the brakes on online dating. Why? I already have enough fucking crazy in my life, I don’t need to be swiping to find the next Mr. Nara, when I could be at the shelter looking for cats. I dunno.  It just isn’t me…. I don’t want to go to a random bar, and meet some random guy, and assume shit is just going to work out.  Do you know who I am? I still can’t figure out how to make the lights on my car go back to “auto” you HONESTLY think a Tinder date is going to work out for me? Solid nope.   I am holding out for meeting in the produce aisle and someone being all like “Wow, you ALSO like cucumber, we are a 10 match.”  Oh shit. I grocery shop online.  Ha.  So much for a produce match. Anyhoo.

However, the hilarity of online dating lives through some of my BFF’s.  For example, can we talk about one of my GF’s who was “talking” to this guy, and all of the sudden, there is a question of height.  AND HE IS FIVE FOOT FUCKING 2 INCHES.  Listen people, that is how tall I am, and I am a very short person.  I was all like “Oh, so he wears those shoes that make you look taller, no, those are super cool. I mean, looka how well they work for Tom Cruise.

1

Seems like a match. Go for it, if, ya know, you are into little people

I am sorry, what the actual fuck.  There is a reason he is online dating. BECAUSE HE IS HOPING HE DOESN”T GET ASKED HOW SHORT TALL HE IS.  I bet he does get asked “So, how short are you?” like, slip of the tongue.  Womp.

Moving on to online date #2. GF shows me pictures of this guy, and it went something like a so…..

Me:  Yea, I don’t like him at all.  (I at the very least admit that I am judgy).

Friend: Why?

Me (judger): He is super fucking boring.

Friend: But that is just his picture, and he is nice.

Me (bitch): No, no he isn’t, he is boring. He makes me want to take a nap right now (ok, to be fair, I was so gassed after having a crayyy week, that anything made me want to nap, but this guys profile picture was like a “Contacts out, NAP.”)

Well, dontcha know, they go on a date…. So, the next morning, we are all laying making sure we do nothing productive….  chatting… When immma like “OMG, how was your date with the most boring person in the entire universe?” And then we went like a so:

Friend:  Um, it was good. He’s nice.

Me:  Uh-huh, did he look like his pictures (listen, “nice” means the same thing for men or women… Like, yea, he’s “nice” so boring I stabbed myself and jumped into the pizza wood burning fire for fun.”)

Friend:  He, um. No. No, he didn’t. He was…

Me: Oh, like the old “The pictures are from 5 years ago.”

Friend: Yep.

Apparently the worlds most boring person forgot to mention this.

1.png

 

See, see people, there are just TWO reasons that I want a million cats won’t online it.

Now, I did have a few superhot dates this weekend……. Areyouret?

One was for family taco night. Here’s how that date went.  Within 8 seconds I had locked my keys in my car (Legit, I should never be unsupervised).  Good news, I left the sunroof open and we tossed a few lil people (not midgets, and not date #1 from above, but I guess that would have worked too, actual young people) through the sunroof.  Yup. All class, all the time.

1.png

Next date, was with one of my BFF.  I took her to the dump……  Yup.  She is running Boston (right now, holla #30581) and such as it is, she had a bit of pre-run nerves (like how I say that as if I know?….. Clearly I don’t.  We were all actually discussing today how I would not run the .2 miles for anything less than genuine street tacos. And even then, .2 seems far).  Anyhoo, I had to hit up the dump, so off we go…. Right, lemme tell you people, this place is a HOT SPOT, because the line was down the street (I’m actually not kidding about that part)…. I’m not sure if it was the shot out, taped up windows (also not kidding) or the clientele of said dump, but the place was popping.  Lots of people from 01945 still had to dump their Christmas trees.  Truth. I was disappointed to only get hit on yelled at once, by the guy I hit with a rather large branch. Apparently you shouldn’t throw those.  I’ve never really been a “rules” person.

The last hot date of the weekend, was one that actually should have been video taped by E for my upcoming reality show  censored. You know, when you have that one friend who when you are together, basically everything is funny and someone pees their pants? Right, well, that is my 1.png

(did I forget that I also identify people with emojis.  Yea, true)…..

So, uni and I decide to go shopping for our kiddos panties.  I mean, why not? First things first, this weekend, likely because I did not have my own cherubs, screaming, crying children followed me.  Those fuckers had my number.  Let’s not act like this was any different.  There were many exchanges of “If that asshole follows me, I am taking out my flask leaving.” Well, dontcha know those dinks follow us to the skivvies.  So, in such, imma like “Unicorn, do you like this thong, or this thong.” CPS frowned upon that one.

So, as you can see, I am really crushing it in the world of dating. Hold on to your seats for more deets about my friends who are ok with super short people where that goes.

Why I will never online date, The Bad Match, Part 1 – Believe me, YOU don’t want to date ME

If you think back to my very first post, someone who I knew had commented on how lucky I was that I got a “fresh start.” That I got to pick my next (final?) lifetime companion (like, sorry first Mr. Nara, peace out and do over).   That comment resonates with me in so many ways.  Clearly, that was someone who is likely shitfaced or has no actual clue how divorce and / or life works so shut your fucking pie hole, this isn’t  a bad episode of “The Dating Game” like “Whoops, Chuck, I picked the wrong guy to marry, but I get to try again!” however, because you said that just shows how unhappy YOU are in YOUR marriage. Fuckers.  doesn’t quite understand how painful divorce is.  That person is generally someone who gives out bad advise on the reg, like “Sure, cross the street without looking both ways.” Or “You can TOTALLY have a second piece of cake, you are so skinny.” You know “That friend.”

That being said, I suppose it is human nature to not be alone

.  I don’t mean that in like the “pack” sense. I mean, I don’t want to go get a flock of wolves and have them help me raise my mini’s, although, idunnno, I do really like dogs and all.  Wait, focus.  What I mean, is that, at some point I would like to not always sleep like this:

bed
For a small person, I have managed to figure out how to take up an entire bed.

Shit. I am looking skinny these days.

Anyhoo.  It seems like the new “norm” is for people to date online.  I dunno, it just seem so weird to me… I remember, isn’t that how people get killed on Craigslist? Wait, is that how they do? I mean, when the old Mr. Nara and I met, we met…. Literally. Like, as people, not as online personas.  Oh shit.  Look at how that worked out. Huh.

Moving on. I suppose all of these dating sites follow the same simple algorithm.  Are you tall? Do you like tall people? Do you like to smoke? Do you want to learn how to smoke? Do you like to date midgets? Do you think those shoes with the toes built in are ok? Do you have a tail? You know, the basics. I just find it so strange, that on EVERY SINGLE DATING SITE my “matches” come back into a few simple categories.  Today, let’s dive into category one.  We shall call him “YOU don’t want to date ME.”

Basic stats: Harvard (Yale, enter in here any really good school, those are just the only two that I know how to spell).  Works as some sort of a PHD, (is that how you write it? You know, those doctors, not like “Cough cough” but like “I am super smart so I get three extra letters”, them), avidly climbs rocks, eats kale and does presentations on the side about how diet coke should be banned.  You know, these guys:

Of course, we are a 78% match.  I suspect it might be the flag because  merica.  Big fan of the décor overall. I love the “shabby clutter” look.

 

1
My, what nice jeans you have.

I was also a high match with this kind fellow. Who I am positive doesn’t live in his mom’s basement. I am also sure he is not nearly sedated enough for me to deal with for five fucking seconds.  As a side bar, are those the SMALLEST fucking hands ever? They are like toddler hands!

2
No question, this guy has ferrets. Many, many ferrets.

Why so serious, Wayne?  That can’t possibly be your name, right? Is anyone ACTUALLY named Wayne? They tell you to put up profile pictures of you doing “fun” things. Is this your “fun” side, Wayne? Are you basically the most opposite of fun ever?

 

3
I refuse to date anyone who has better hair than I do.

Why doesn’t “this guy” want to date me? Are you fucking stupid? Because I will make fun of him right away, duh.  Like, TO HIS FACE. Because I am not smart enough to carry on a conversation about ions (are those a thing, not IRONS, IONS?).  Because I don’t really give a shit about IONS, because I drink diet coke, swear, and tried kale once.  I will never be a rock climber. There is no question that these guys ALL wear Tevas and have gross feet.  See, they don’t want to date me, I have already ripped them apart and I have no idea who these fictitious unicorns really even are.

THESE ARE MY FUCKING MATCHES PEOPLE…….. And, to make it worse, these are just the ones I can’t date because they are nerdier than I am.  And that, that right there, is a lot of nerd.  These aren’t the ones I can’t date because their profile starts with “Yo, playa.”

I AM GOING TO BE ALONE WITH FUCKING CATS FOR THE REST OF MY GODDAMN LIFE.

I know, I know, right now, you are so jelly that I get to “start over” and “pick again.” I mean, back the fuck up people, because that is the cream of the crop.  I don’t feel like I am asking for that much? Oh, I know, at the end of every blog, I will state some of my basic “nopes.”

Next blog, Why I will never online date, The bad match part 2 – Is THAT a picture of what I think it is????

Nopes:

Pegged Jeans

Tevas / crocs

Bad toes

Nose hair

Bad Breath

Short

Thinks Kale is real food – PIZZA is real food, Kale is for bunnies. And Hippies.