Who knew I had such sweet dance moves???

Sorry for the delay in a dating update, y’all, I was busy because sister got married!!! While we can all agree that she was the most flawless bride, and had a perfect weekend, married an awesome family (“you two go in the corner to cry!”) that the highlight of the night, that clearly everyone is still talking about, was my sick dance moves.  Obvi.  Anyway, back to me.

Spending so much time with family, I got asked a question many, many, fucking so many times this weekend.  How in the world are you still single? And imma like “I dunno, maybe because I don’t use that one filter with fox ears and whiskers as my profile picture? I use one of a lasagna.

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I just have to do this and I won’t be single anymore???

So, I did what any mature, well educated, total hot catch would do…. I passed my phone around so that people could view some of the people I am stalking and they find that creepy my potential suitors on their own.

Gentleman #1.  This guy is in court? I’m not kidding, zoom in, THERE IS SOMEONE IN A PRISON UNI!!!!!!!  Like, as in “Please take the stand you criminal?” court????  Also, I love the warm and fuzzies I get from him… You know, he works at “None of your fucking business.” Immma like, “P.T. let me take you home and introduce you to my family!”

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He has zero interest in me.

Can you even imagine me with Gentleman #2? He wants to live in a forest and make fires with sticks and shoelaces? Then he wants to do the splits? And eat pie? Oh, shit.  I do love pie.

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I dunno, I mean, I do like pie. 

There was this guy, but I told him my mom said no.

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Thanks for taking a bullet for me momma.

Here is the thing, I would love to say that these are anomalies (is that the right word? Or are those a sea creature?), but this is LEGIT what is out there.  And believe me, I am not saying I am a catch, and I have super low fucking standards, but I do sort of draw the line at prison eh, maybe I shouldn’t commit to “no prison” . And I TOTALLY draw the line at Teva’s.

Robert wears Teva’s.  The end.

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Ahh, Bob-o…. Tevas and “attractive” don’t EVER go together. That isn’t even my personal opinion, it is science.

So anyway, I am kind of an asshole….

Here’s the thing about me.  I am kind of a dick. Wait, I don’t mean it that way.  Actually, yea I do.  Maybe I mean skeptical? Is that being a dick? Idunno.  At any rate. I figured that after posting about some of my potential suitors, it only made sense to follow up with some of the completely fucked up conversations that happen, so that you can really understand how why I am dedicating myself to the betterment of cats and therefore will be adopting 12 online dating works.

Now, I should preface this by saying, I just swipe right.  I am not going to read profiles ahead of time, I just swipe until I can’t swipe anymore.  And then I “match” with people like this:

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Look, in real life, if I was actually paying attention and not sedated blindly swiping, I would NEVER EVER swipe on a guy who has better boobs than me in four out of five of his pictures,  forgot to put a shirt on.  Because honestly, that is really fucking forgetful! But, alas, I do, and I end up with Jeff, the karate kid. Guarantee we have zero in common.  Including I don’t forget to wear shirts nearly as often as he does.

So anyway, the point being, now you know, I have no method in my “swipe” other than “Meh, go for it until you have carpel tunnel or run out of candidates.”

Which leads me to the messages I get.  Honest to fucking god, I do this to myself, because, (above) I am an asshole.

There was Andy.  The guy who totally didn’t use stock photos for his profile pictures, except, yes, yes he did.  He also said he went to Stanford,  (Man, I am so dumb sometimes, I should have asked him “Real quick, Andy, tell me! What is the Mascot?” because no one would guess it is the flying rabid pine trees.) but his grammar says otherwise.  Then, he wrote me a small biography on what he is doing now, INCLUDING, living in Africa, but not to worry, he has figured out the distance.  Only thing he needs is my SS#, DOB and bank routing # and we will be ret.to.go.

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So, as you can imagine, based off of shirtless Jeff and Africa Andy, I am feeling pretty fucking confident about my candidates! And letmetellyou, my ego was a boosted by this guy.  Who in ONE HOUR messaged me FOUR times AND told me I have a nice chin.

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lemmetellyou, nothing boosts the confidence the way that “Great chin btw” does.  Nothing.

But here is an example of one of the messages I had, that makes  me think to myself “Yolanda Squatpump (you don’t think I really refer to myself as “Nara” when I am talking to myself, how fucking lame would that be? I can be any name in the world when I am talking to myself, today I pick Yolanda Squatpump) you can’t rip on online dating and then do the below. It is not indicative of a princess, which you clearly are not are.

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So, there you have it. 24 hours in, and I am feeling pretty confident that Mr. Nara 2.0 is not anywhere close to the fucking interwebs and likely doesn’t have a computer in his prison cell due to spring up any time!

 

 

 

So you say you want a cougar, do ya?

So, after a really long hiatus of attempting to date, followed by disastrous dating endeavor, I had a weekend rally of too much rose, tacos, and burnt hamburgers girlfriends telling me to get out there.  Look, the former Mr. Nara and I have been divorced so long, that he is getting re-married.  I’m still too nervous to meet at an Applebee’s for frozen potato skins. But these chicks reminded me that I could do it!!!   I could beat my totally awky social anxiety, stop ghosting dates, and find myself someone who wants a cougar. Whoa.  Pump the brakes.  No one told me to find someone who wants a cougar…. It is just that when you really try and get yourself out there, this happens.

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Let the record state, that the TWENTY FIVE YEAR OLD says “Since I was a kid.” Because you know, now he isn’t a kid. He is a big kid.  This was really like 11 minutes into operation “Get the fuck back out there, Nara.” But it had to get better, right? Nope.

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I dunno, I mean, maybe I was being too selective?  Maybe this is what happens? I need to either decide to be someones cougar, or date a felon?  Let’s not act like I am some prize catch here.  I’m just your normal day single mom, homeowner, gainfully employed, sort of chubby but pretty funny gal. So, I sent my squad some of the dating pool options.

I never, ever should have led with little hand.  I mean, I should know better.  But honestly, have you ever seen such a teenie petite hand????

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However, you can see where things are going from here amirite?

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This went on for far longer than you would ever imagine a few minutes until I showed them some of my other “options”

There was this guy. Who does not work out and is not proud of it.  He doesn’t know yet, but he actually does not want to date me.  Because it will be annoying for him to be all egg whites and push ups, while I am nachos and netflix.  And still hotter than him.  I made that last part up.

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There was this guy, who 100% just murdered someone and has the gloves to prove it who likes dogs.

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This guy, who likes to read and wear glasses.

 

 

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And last but not least, this guy, who seems to be a perfect fit for me, but he is ignoring my 23 messages to connect, so he must not think we are a good fit, which seems to happen to me a lot.

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So folks, here is my request.  Take this profile and print it out business card style.  Take it with you on your adventures and find me the next Mr. Nara.  Peace out dating websites. I gave you 12 hours and you failed me!!!!

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