It’s a break, hombres…

So I really was basically forced decided to take a temporary break from dating. It’s hard A.F. to be honest all those potentially perfect suitors banging at my door all flowers and wine trying to balance your current life, that is already busy and add something new in. Plus, I am a RAGING bitch and I don’t want to share my closet or bed. Ever. So Mr. Nara 2.0 is going to have to agree to wear the same clothes every day and sleep on a cot in the living room (because I am also not moving, see, see how easy I am to get along with!).

But this whole “dating” thing makes you really self evaluate. Look, I know that I am a golden fucking treasure as beautiful as a princess and as rare as a mermaid and someone will figure it out one day might have a thing or two I could work on (for example, I was on a 5:00 am flight the other morning and the woman next to me had fake eyelashes on. I had yoga pants on who’s winning here???? I could OCCASIONALLY step up my A game a bit.)

However, when you find yourself 29 +10 and single (like FUCKING SINGLE), you can’t help but wonder “What is it that I want?” I always felt like my list of “wants” was actually quite reasonable…. For example:

I WANT you to have a job. Why, because I do. I have a good one. You should too. Don’t bitch about it, don’t be searching for a career or figuring yourself out, that ship sailed. Get up, go to work, go home, just like the rest of us acting adults do.

I WANT you to have a life outside of me. Wait. Not like the kind that Mr. Nara 1.0 had, but like friends and shit. Why? Because in my new found single life, I have realized that I need my girlfriends. I need stupid conversations and chick movies. I need to talk about Bravo TV…. I love things that are pretty and painting and sometimes, just being alone…. Sure sure, you go ahead and put those New England Red Sox on and that is great and all, I will like it with you, and cheer for them to get a goal, but I don’t need to love everything you do. You don’t need to obsess over pink paint with me. Deal.

I WANT you to be close to your family. Because I am (close to mine, not yours, I don’t even know yours).

You must like dogs. Not tolerate them, actually LIKE them. This isn’t about My dog (well, obvi of course it is) this is about who you are as a person. No offense, but people who don’t like dogs are fucking weird.

But then, I have come to realize as much as I feel like I have these simple “wants” I am also figuring out what I don’t want. For example:

I don’t want you to be someone you are not. Really, EVERY fucking guy on dating websites is a professional rock climber? And none of you need ropes and pulleys and shit? REALLY????? Because I have NEVER, not ONCE in “real” life met someone who is an avid rock climber.

I don’t want you to be vegan, vegetarian, diet restricted. Why, because I am not. And honestly, people who are like “Does that have kava bean in it, I don’t eat that, I am on a seaweed and kale diet.” Drive. Me. Fucking. Nuts. And I am positive people who eat seaweed and Kale must just fart all fucking day. There is this guy who sometimes works out of my office and he brings in a (large) cooler of deli meat with him. He eats, no joke, like a pound and ½ of salami every time he is there. Know what he does? He farts. Because when you are on some crazy diet like that, that is what happens. I want to be with a guy that I am like : “You want steak and mashed, sweet.” (sidebar, I am DYING for outback steakhouse lately. God I am so fucking pretty).

I don’t want you to have Peter Pan syndrome. I need to be with someone who has been married (because you have learned sharing and can teach me a thing or two) and has kids. And the kids are an ACTIVE part of their life. Why, because mine are. So when I have swimming, football, homework, running noses, I need you to understand. And I will with you.

I don’t want to meet you on a dating website. Why? Because I have come to realize that I don’t believe in it. I want to meet you because you are like “Yep, she’s the one.” Not because you are like “Yep, profile picture #1 is good, #2 looks kind of airbrushed but I’ll meet her for a drink.” And guess what, it is the same like, 20 people on dating websites. I don’t want to be that person. I want to have a story. I don’t really care if it is “We met pumping gas” that’s cool. Know what isn’t “We met on Tinder.” Because I am still waiting to hear about my first tinder, match, bumble success story.

So, Mr. Nara 2.0, let me know when you are pumping gas and I will meet you there (oh, you should also be able to read, because ya know, you will need to read to see this).

 

 

 

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