There are days (that’s a lie, there was maybe like a day, like as in “one single day”) that I really think I have my shit wrapped up tight. I have a great career, a super cute home, my two (sometimes well behaved, sometimes total dick noses) cherubs and even a super cute pug. But, the fact of the matter, is that, because single parenting is so fucking hard, I rarely (by rarely I mean “never”) have time to do things for myself. Case in point, when I was getting my hair cut yesterday, the gal says to me “Oh, how long has it been since your last cut?” Me: “Well, my oldest son is 8, so, I guess 8 years, you know, give or take a few days.”
But every now and then, I am like “Pretty pretty princess Nara get yo ass out there, you are not going to meet Mr. Nara 2.0 while you are watching Lifetime movies crying into a pint of chunky monkey.” I have always said that eventually I would tell the story of my divorce. Not all of it, but the part that, well, that I guess reads like a Lifetime movie. To make a LONG story short, sometimes, when I am feeling bad for myself that Mr. Nara 1.0 is marrying his mistress, I decide that I should date. I mean, look, he was dating while we were married, so I guess I can give it a whirl???? The thing is, there is no mistress (mistror?) for me….. So I am back to, yup, you guessed it, online dating.
Why online? Because in “real life” I only have an interest in 2 types of men. Men who are either completely not available, or totally geographically undesirable. I mean, I can rationalize the SHIT out of both of them…..
- When he says “girlfriend, he clearly means ‘girl’ ‘friend’ “
- Someone not wanting to date me, is just their way of playing hard to get (obvs)
- When I don’t meet someone’s pre-defined criteria, I am like “Well, that will change”
- And for the GU, I always think: “I had a LDR, and look, look at how awesome it worked out! We are… Oh wait.”
So, such is living in small town, and being sort of a hermit, I end up back online. So I had been sort of chatting with this guy online and he seemed nice (ish – telling you – ish gets you every.fucking.time). We made plans to get together, but (ignored red flag #1) our schedules didn’t jive for like 2 weeks. So, we exchanged some casual texts here and there then he sent me this fucking whammy of a picture. Listen, dating is different now, I can’t explain it, just different…. I know you are thinking the picture was super sexy, but really, it was the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of sexy. It was an actual FDA approved sex repellent. Here were some of the responses from my girls (sidebar, can you even imagine how awesome it must be to be my friend and getting to witness this shit show with a front row seat? Just saying).
So, without even showing the picture, you get the jist, this CLEARLY was not going to work out. I am a very tidy person, and this person, was….. Well, was not. And if his FEET look like that, what about the, ah-hem, downstairs. Cross that one off.
Moving on. I decided to open an app I sometimes use when I try my 11 seconds of online dating, and yup, this guy right here was a 99% match. I just. I can’t. Honest to fucking god. I can’t. What. The. Actualfuck. Is that teenie animal? And why is he so creepily staring at me? And does he keep his dead bodies WITH his complete beanie baby collection or are they in different rooms?
And again, the responses are amazing, because I think that people don’t believe that this is REALLY MY LIFE…..
I mean, I GET it, I’m no real catch here, but THESE are my options???????
So then, in a last ditch effort, I tried one more app that I NEVER visit. Why, because you pay for it… I SHIT you not, when I say, I had to take it off because my phone was dinging every 11 seconds. Don’t believe me, well, I got these messages (many, like when you send line by line texts) from one fellow:
Happy sunny Wednesday
Hump day 🙂
Are you having a good day?
I hope so.
What is your favorite flower?
Do you like to hike?
Next day, same person:
Happy Thirsy Thursday to you beautiful (side note, guys must think that we chicks are really desperate. I mean, I personally am, but not every girl is, so open with something else.)
I just quenched my thirst with a smoothie.
Do you like smoothies?
If so, what kind do you like.
OK, clearly this guy doesn’t “get” me already, but that is fine, because he has more questions (keep in mind, I have not responded a SINGLE WORD and yet, somehow, I still now have a pen pal??)
Were you able to go outside at all?
I plan to take a nice walk later.
There is a nice ocean breeze.
At this point, I am thinking that he is going to either try ye old “sexy talk” or he is in some sort of a language development program (I can say that because my butterball is, you can’t say things like that, FYI).
I worked for a bit.
Then went home.
I had lunch.
It was a turkey and hummus wrap with kale chips.
STOP, JUST STOP. You have now sent 17 messages and 2 of them put you in an automatic “Fuck NOPE” category.
I have an indoor tree that I need to repot (Fuck nope #3)
Do you want to help (FN #4)
It’s leaning to the side
I need to adjust the roots.
21 Messages. From one pen pal “match. Gets better.
I’m not a huge TV watcher, mostly just sports.
I enjoy sport playoffs so have been watching more that usually lately (OK, I am admitting, I am not sporty spice, but is there sort of a “playoff” I don’t know about right now?)
What is your favorite show?
WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT
It is nice that we share some similar interests.
NO WE DON’T. NOT ONE. LITERALLY NOT A SINGLE ONE. AND I PAID FOR THIS.
Also got this one yesterday
“Hi, happy Easter.” The actual fuck?
I had three messages asking me if I work for the police. DUDE, FUCKING ZOOM IN LIKE A CHICK. Don’t stalk and then be a BAD stalker, that is just embarrassing (for me, you might be ok with it, but it embarrasses me if you can’t even stalk me like a real stalker)… And, if I was a policer (police woman? police attendant? police driver?) wouldn’t I have like a badge and gun and shield and shit? All I have is a constant hangover.
The only thing “Good” I got from this site, is my next screen name for EEEERRRYTHING “Lookingforastalker”