To my potential suitors, don’t call me mommy. Ever.

A few weeks ago, I was with a friend of mine, and she was really encouraging me to actually TRY to make dating work.  Look, I know it may seem like my life is a shitshow, but it actually really is. Wait, did I say that wrong? Yes.  Yes, it is a shit show.  TBH, I didn’t think dating would be hard AT ALL. Then, well, then I realized “I have NO fucking idea what I want.”  So far, I have done a pretty ok job of figuring out what I DON’T want. This weekend, the minimuffintops were elsewhere, and I was like “Know what, I am going to reply to these messages I get and see what happens!”

Enter in Friday night.  Out with a BF for drinks / dins/ drinks / hangovers / lack of sleep. When I notice I get a message on my phone from a really handsome guy! (sidebar, I have a very strict “putchafuckinphoneaway” rule when with friends. I swear, you are not missing anything. I am right here).  Point being, it actually was weird for me to see a message.

We banter back and forth for a bit and OMG, he is funny too!  So, we invite him to meet us for a drink. I really hope you don’t think this ends in a love story, I’m not that kind of gal.  He meets us at the bar, and I SHIT YOU FUCKING NOT HE STARTS FUCKING SINGING SHOW TUNES.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.  It was literally like “Tooomorrow, toooomorrow, I lovya, tomorrow.”THERE WERE HAND MOTIONS! You know those sort of waving, double hand wave motion. Yup.  That was happening.

It gets worse, I am not kidding, it actually gets worse.  I sent this text to one of those few people in your life, you can give them a 3 second overview, and they actually know everything that happened.

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Yup.  That happened. And I literally was like “No, that’s so cool when 39 year old guys live at home, not weird at all.”

But, I was like “Nara, come on, try and be positive, everyone doesn’t live at home.” (Right, like amirite?). So gosh darn it, I was going to open these messages and meet some of these not totally weird, not living in their mom’s basement guys! I fucking crack myself up.

First things first…. I seem to attract younger guys, like,” I could get arrested for buying alcohol for minors” younger.

There was this guy.  Now, I also have to share a few points from his profile, because Handsome_Walt could NOT be more into himself. “Unrepentant hedonist” (what is that? Is that when you are naked all the time?) “Recovering alcoholic” (oh, clearly we are a match). “Willing to defend my beliefs to the death as well as yours.” I AM SORRY WHAT? WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT? “I’m really good at gunfighting.” OK, not “Shooting at the range” gunfighting? Who the fuck are you fighting Handsome_Walt? Favorite books: “War Movies.” Wait, what? Is “War movies” a book? Things I can’t live without “Suits, guns, coffee and women.” OK, ok Walt, you are TWENTY FUCKING EIGHT. Believe me, you can, in fact, live without suits.  You can. On a typical Friday night I am  “Trolling for scumbags.” THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. I sent this message back.

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By this point, as you can imagine, I was really feeling like things were going pretty well.  I mean, I was 0/2 so statistically speaking, I was…. Wait. Wrong way with the numbers.

Small sampling of some of the other really great messages I got.

At least this guy came right out and said it.

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I just don’t, don’t do pet names. I also don’t do “ello.” Did you save that much time not typing the  “H”

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But look, I went from a 21% match, to a 0% match, to a 44% match (do you really need more than 44?)…. .So things HAD to be looking up.

I suppose they were looking up if you are into 15 year age gaps (I mean, give or take, let’s not be picky).

His profile says he is looking for single women between 18-28.  So math is a strong point on this one. Noted.

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Is this one old enough to say “Sexy”….. I feel like “no” is the correct answer to that.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE????  Does everyone have mommy complex? Sidebar to my potential suitors, don’t, just don’t call me mommy.  Ok?

AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE 27 YEAR OLDS DOING ON DATING WEBSITES??? Go to a bar, go do ANYTHING.  You do that shit when you are old like me.

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At this point, I was ready to throw in the ole towel, but was saved by this gem. Yup.This is my life.

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Imma stock up on cat food and wine.

 

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