For starters…. I just feel like we all need to clear the air on something. Yes, I blog. No, it isn’t about you… Don’t be so vain. You think if I didn’t sign on the dotted line to write a book about the Former Mr. Nara for cold hard cash, that I am going to write about the potential Future Mr. Nara??? I say this, because I get a lot of inquiries that go something like this:
- If you won’t write about me, I want to date you
- If you won’t write about my friend, I will introduce you
- If you promise TO write about me, I want to date you
The fuck? THE ACTUAL FUCK? Ah, I said I am not writing about Mr. Nara now not, “ever.”. Just gotta wait for that court order to be lifted. Anyjolla.
Anyway, just needed to get that out there….. So, here we are again, recapping my hot sexy dates….. There have been so many it is actually hard to keep track… Did that sound real? Yes?
Some updates, because I have been a biiizzee lil beaver. OMG, don’t get gross. I dumped Tinder. I feel like there is legit not a single person on there who is not crazy. Wait, maybe I should be on there? Maybe Tinder IS my thing???? I have spent a TON to time thinking that my expectations are WAY too high…. So, I took a look at my ole Bumble profile….. Ready….. Because this is ACTUALLY what it says. Oh, and be sure to send me your edits / enhancements.
Me: Was married for 10 years, but decided online dating seemed more fun. Have a great job, beautiful home and 2 mini-me’s. I am super skeptical of online dating, but having trouble meeting “the one” when sitting at home watching Bravo TV. You: don’t play Pokemon go.
Honestly, my only expectation is that you don’t play fucking Pokemon? THAT IS IT? I didn’t even put in there “please have a job and not live in mom’s basement” because apparently I don’t even give a shit about that anymore?????? My best friend in the entire world keeps telling me to slow the fuck down. (I don’t know why?)…… But then I realize my expectation is just that you don’t glue your phone to your hand??? To backtrack. Mr. Nara 1.0 moved on FAST. Like, SO FAST that we were still happily married when he moved on. Wait, I should prolly omit the “happily.” But her point is, don’t settle for some DB who lives in moms basement.
So then, I went through some of my “matches” and what their profiles said, really analyzing them…..
First, EVERY guy puts their height on there….. So I am starting to be concerned that my total lack of height is going to be a problem. Is it too late for those growth drugs? Or, that I am going to end up with a guy who is the same height as me. And that is a nope.
Second, I noticed that quite a few people take selfies in some filthy setting or sitting on furniture from 1968. Not kidding, so if you are supposed to “show” what you like, these people like burlap and dishes. Noted.
Third – Is there a SINGLE – LITERALLY – Single fucking guy out there who doesn’t fall into one of these categories: 1. A pilot, 2. Into rock climbing (can’t make this up), 3. Shirtless, 4. Rides a motorcycle, 5. Says “no drama” (sidebar, you ARE drama, if you are saying “no drama”)
Fourth – The expectations of people are really a bit weird (not “weird” like “don’t play pokemon”) but like a little creepy. Expectations I have seen:
- must have long hair
- must act like a lady at ALL times
- must be petite and VERY fit
- must be ready to be a woman
To which I respond:
- only if you pull it
- what does a lady do ALL the time
- very fit? but, but you, are not very fit at ALL.
- as opposed to?????
And last, there is this whole new level of sexuality out there now. I don’t mean like the profile is like “I like sex” No, that would be way too easy, I mean, I have to google this shit. And not from my work laptop. Androgynyous, Androphillic, bicurious, intersex. Ok, look, I am a “be who you want to be person” but at least make it easy for me and say what it means… Because, guess what, “intersex” doesn’t mean “intosex” Made that mistake once.
Then, went through some of the messages I have gotten:
Hi my name is Chuck how’re are u?
Today – 9:20 am
Morning. How’re was your night?
Well Chuck, I am not sure what you do for those hours between MIDNIGHT and 9am, but shit sure got crazy around this fucking joint. The first thing I did, was work on basic grammar and spelling, you?
I should mention that “chucks” name on this site is “ihave1hummer2” Anyway you look at that, it’s fucked up.
Chris2phaa (am I the only one who wonders what that means?) said “ello punkin, how u?” WHAT FUCKING SCHOOL DID YOU ALL COME FROM????
From X2mcx2 “Into younger guys? You’re beautiful.” HE IS NINETEEN… NINE + TEN. Isn’t that illegal????
From ResMedian “Best profile in the business, but I hate dogs, but you have some kick ass lines.” I asked him to marry me. He disabled his account. Too much?
From Arthur045, WHO, I might mention is a 12% match….. “Hi goodmorning sweetheart how are you sweetie so beautiful.” Is this an actual thing? This can’t spell, run on sentences? Like, are people like “OMG Arthur045, take me out now and talk to me in runons.” Is that what I have to look forward too? I’m not saying 1.0 was all that smart but jesus.
Brendan, 39 – “Hi, I don’t eat bread.” I’m sorry, now I just think I am getting fucking punked.
BillieBoris (which is it, Billy or Boris?) – What award did the police give you? (On the picture of me getting sworn in)…. So close Billdo.
Cas_09 “Hi there how are you? Stopping by to say hi. Can we be friends?”
Stopping by where Cas? My profile? You stop there? That doesn’t even make sense?
So then, some quick stats.
Opening messages that I comment on a dog, 2. Responses that the dog died, 2.
Messages from men CLEARLY wearing wedding rings: 5
Times I have swiped “Yep” when I meant “no no”: uncountable. Literally. Sausage fingers.
Times my phone has defaulted my location to New Orleans: 3
Guys who were totally 2.0 material BUT based in NO: 3
And a few discoveries:
I attract MUCH younger men. I am very concerned about cougar / mommy complex at this stage of the game
I gravitate toward people who have animals in their profile pictures. I actually “yupped” a guy holding a bunny. Truth.
I notice that people change their age constantly. There is a guy I know who has gone from 37 to 49 in just a few days.
So, I suppose I will just keep up with my real life. You know, the life when Bigs tells all of his friends I am a professional bacon tester, and pee wee has so much speech therapy he speaks like an exchange student. No really “Oh, heeeo. You, you, lok beatfil on this day.” Thanks Hong Li. I mean, pee wee. You know, our normal life, when pee wee goes and JUMPS OFF THE DIVING BOARD ONLY FUCKER CAN’T SWIM. Our life when Bigs is like “I will only answer you if you talk to me in a dog voice.” And I do. Yea, that life.