Hot, sexy online date #1.

I thought that for my next blog, I would write about all of the hot, sexy steamy details of my online dates, except that there have been exactly zero.  So that blog would be like “Still eating grilled cheese in bed.  The end.”

To say that I have been actively dating since divorce would be a total fucking lie a bit of a stretch.  Idunno, the concept is still weird, I honestly live a busy life, have a great career, my mini muffin tops, etc.  So the reality is, I need someone who understands that I need to be fed every three hours I don’t have a TON of time to give, and that I am an awful cook who loves to cook, who will try and make you dinner, but will likely give you raging diarrhea can be a total girl (i.e. tell me I am beautiful and pet me). However, this past weekend I was at a get together when someone who I may or may not have slipped some cash to said “Let me tell you this, you are gorgeous and hysterical, you have a great job, a great family and anyone would be so lucky to have one date with you.” Welp, that was all I needed to dive back into the world of online dating!

It’s interesting, after being married for as long as I was, you get a chance to really figure out what you want, and likely more importantly what you don’t want. However, once you figure out what you “don’t” want, you start to really rule out a tremendous number of potential suitors.

For example.  I don’t want a gym rat.  Why? The artist formally known as Mr. Nara 1.0 was a total gym rat. I don’t want to have to explain to someone that yes, it is weird for you to miss your child’s birthday because you need to beef up (yes, that happened, it was birthday #4, which started at 10:00 am, at our home, and 1.0 then mowed the lawn and got shitfaced in front of the other parents.  Good times had by all). Well, so that is sort of a drag, because it means I miss out on guys like this, Richard, 45.  And let’s face it, who doesn’t love a guy who takes a picture of himself, shirtless, in a locker room, with the stall door that he clearly just took a shit in wide open. Le sigh. Sorry Dick.  As a sidebar, I also love the guys who post these shirtless pictures, but NOTHING ELSE. Like “I actually don’t work, or enjoy ANYTHING, other than my moobs.”

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You don’t mind if I call you Dick, do you? 

Another thing I have realized I don’t want, is a car enthusiast.  Why, because I associate all car people with honda civics with holes drilled in the muffler to make it louder A to B people.  The purpose of a car is for your kids to have a back up to where they are going to crush up their food other than the sofa to get you back and forth. No shit, yesterday, I was putting brother in the car, and he picked up a French fry and ate it.  I have no clue where it came from, or how old it was, but yup, my pride and joy actually picked up floor trash and ate it. Can you even imagine how much a “car guy” would hate me?  But again, drag of all drags, Imma miss out on this guy.  Jerry, 41, who apparently only all caps types and really loves his Chevy Malibu. I bet Jerry, 41, totally doesn’t have to ask his mother to take the car.  Like “Ma, can I take the nice car tonight, ya know, the Malibu.”  Also, points for backing that bitch in to park it.

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Totally not Jerry’s moms car.

However, there were a few guys who I bet don’t have heads in their freezers actually swiped “yup” on.   Like this guy, who is clearly my spirit fucking animal. I actually was like “Courthouse, now, you + me = married.” He didn’t swipe me back. Was my proposal too aggressive? Honestly, if anyone knows this guy, slip him a roofie my number.

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JASON! IT’S ME! YOUR TINDERELLA!!!!! 

I also yupped this guy, because he is a wrestling referee, and lately, I have been calling my mini muffins the “rabid fighting kittens” because they are ALWAYS wrestling (FYI, brother wins) and let’s be practical, if Robert, 41, wants to play referee, then who am I to say no?

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I am not normally into bald, morbidly obese men, but for Robert, 41, I would change.

I swiped “yup”” on Chris, 42, because HELLO DID YOU READ HIS FUCKING PROFILE? And he wants kids? I mean, he can just HAVE mine.  He also didn’t yup me back, but I am pretty sure he will.

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Chris, 42, distribute your wine over here.

And last, but obvi not least. I swiped on this dog.

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Anyone else notice that Brian is confused about his age?

So there you have it friends, I think I have some really great prospects and and I am PUMPED to be online dating!!!!

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