Hot sexy date #2….

I kid.  Just me writing about our current presidential candidates.  Although that would be cute if I went on a date.  Because then I could blog about it, but I wouldn’t….. Kind of like the people who think I am either going to write about my divorce or my stalker…. Notahappenin.  Mostly bc I love when my stalker leaves me booze, so I don’t want to piss off him/her. And the court system says I shouldn’t write about my divorce, which is good, because I was LEGIT blacked out during most of it that would not be nice.

Focus people. I always have a certain level of curiosity of what celebrities are endorsing presidential candidates.  Why? Idunnno.  It isn’t like I am going to contribute to some cocktail party by being like “Oh, the election, did you know Britt Britt is endorsing Hillary?” OK, I might.  I think that part of my interest is when people claim to be total experts on something (insert when I quit Facebook because of Harambe the gorilla,  and everyone was a fucking gorilla expert.  RIP Harambe).

Anyway…. Now that we are down to the final 2, it seems like as good a time as ever to take a little lookie  at the lists, shall we?

On Team Hillary.

Bill Clinton.  Ok, why did that make me giggle?  Do you think that when he is campaigning for her he is ever like “My wife Monica, I mean, HILLARY, hahaha.”  I just ask because I get names fucked up all the time.  Not like he would have a reason to.

There then is a long list of current and future politicians who are endorsing her, and honestly, no one cares about it with the exception of these two.

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I love a good matching hat and pocket square combo.
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Well hello hello Gov, Sena… I have no idea who he is actually.

So then wikipedia breaks down supporters into a few more segments.  For example, Hilly is being endorsed by S. Daniel Abraham, the founder of Slim Fast.

She is also endorsed by basically all of the leaders of Airbnb but IMO that is a waste of an endorsement because, hello, she is not staying at an Airbnb.

Martha Stewart endorsed her, which makes sense because they have the same hair cut.

Russell Simmons endorsed her, but I wonder if Rev. Run did.

Corey Feldman endorsed HC.  I mean, I dunno if I would even want that one if I were running for el presendente.  Like “Thanks Corey, and ah, rehab is to your right.”

There are a TON of celebrities that endorsed her that I have never heard of.  Like, fucking ever.  I am pretty sure “GloZell” is not real.

Amy Schumer is on Team Hill.  Honestly, she is funny as fuck. Her HBO special made me pee my pants.  Twice.

In case you were not sure which way your vote was going, LiLo endorsed Hill.  Does she know that there is actually more than one choice? Is she old enough to vote? Does she drive Herbie to the polling station?

Oh shit. Next up “Athletes and Sports Figures.” This should be good.

God Damn,  first one up, Julia Clukey, a luger.  I could watch that shit all day.

Not gonna lie, Hilly doesn’t have too many athletes behind her….  That could be the swing vote. Oh, she has Hope Solo.  Isn’t she the one who beat up her husband? Allegedly of course.

Media Personalities – you can’t make this up…. Farrah Abraham…. The Teen Mom who takes it up the hoop? ON TV???? Good for her.  Not for where she let’s it go, but for letting us know who her vote is with.

Pandora Boxx (yes, 2 x’s). I don’t know who that is, but I don’t want to click on it because I don’t want the porn virus on my laptop and well, obvi.

Sally Jessy Raphael.  She is still alive????

Oh, here come some goodies…..  RuPaul, basically all of the Kardashians (because I am POSITIVE they vote), Victoria Gotti -Um, this is fucking fantastic because she was on Celebrity Apprentice.

From the “Voice Artists” she has “Foxygen, band.”  Like is, that how they actually vote? So they go to Abbott Hall and are like “First name Foxy, last name Band.”

She has Ja Rule and Ghostface Killah behind her.  Which is good as long as you can vote from prison.  She has some guy named “Rah Digga” which seems like something Farrah Abraham does in the bedroom.

Welp, Kanye is voting for her, so I am all set.  That guy annoys me.

Falling under “I can’t make this up” there is an advocacy group named “Hookers for Hillary”, so that is good.

OK, who is under Team Donald?  Let’s see.

OK, I am not going to be the one to state the obvious, but he doesn’t have quite as many politicians who support him. He has some guy named “Mike Crapo” Which made me giggle because I am a child. That is really it for politicians…. Remember that one guy who showed his dong on social media? Weinergate. I wonder who gets his vote.

He has this guy too, and I have no idea who he is, but I am currently obsessed with his hair

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Brush my hair and tell me I am pretty….

Under business people, he has Pete Coors, chairman of MillerCoors. So that is kind of big IMO.  Then he has this guy, who is about as decisive as my 5 year old… Kenneth Langone, co-founder of The Home Depot (previously endorsed Chris Christie then John Kasich.) Doesn’t seen like he has a ton of international support, but they are making a big deal of this…. Paula White, televangelist

Under Actors, he has Dean Cain… Superman?  That seems legit. He has Lou Ferrigno! No shit, he has Superman and The Hulk! This is like every 7 year olds dream!

He has this list, which…. .Which…..

Eva Lovia (es), pornographic actress and stripper.  Amy Lindsay, actress and former softcore pornographic film performer. Brandi Love, adult model and pornographic actress.  Do you think that is really her name?

Well, I’ll be darned. He gets Caitlyn Jenner.  I would not have guessed that. Oh, and Curt Schilling (well, sure). Well shit, he has Don King…. And some guy who is the coach of the “Washington State Cougars” falling under “can’t make this up” He has basically all of NASCAR and Hulk Hogan, so that is really, really good. He gets Sexy Rexy!  Things are really shaping up for Trump here. Between team porn and SexyRexy areyoukiddingme?!

Under Commentators and writers he has Yong Muk Han, China-based Korean scholar and  Liangliang He, anchor on Hong Kong–based Mandarin and Cantonese-language broadcaster which, I could have SWORN you had to be a US Citizen or naturalized, but HARAMBE, what do I know?!? !

He a handful of singers, to include: P-Diddy, Wayne Newton, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Kenny Rogers, Gene Simmons and Young Dro, so basically, if you are out of pot, hit up a Trump campaign.

He does have Joe “The Plumber” so that is important to know.

Under organizations he has Rent Is Too Damn High Party, which I’m like “Ya bro”

OK, perhaps Trumps best category,  is Media Personalities…..

1. Teresa Guidice (you know, from RHWONJ).  2.  Jesse James (you know, from cheating on Sandra Bullock), 3. Omarosa (listed as “Baptist minister” sure thing). 4. From team poop hoop he has Tila Tequila, 5.  He has not only his CURRENT wife, but his EX-WIFE and she is named as “former athlete” FYI, I would NOT vote for the husband formally known as Mr. Nara.

Under “other” he has these two folks, and I am SHOCKED they are not voting Hilly:

Juanita Broaddrick, former nursing home administrator, accused Bill Clinton of rape
Paula Jones, former Arkansas state employee, accused Bill Clinton of sexual harassment

Well, there you have it folks.  Our 2016 candidates in review.

 

 

 

Hot, sexy online date #1.

I thought that for my next blog, I would write about all of the hot, sexy steamy details of my online dates, except that there have been exactly zero.  So that blog would be like “Still eating grilled cheese in bed.  The end.”

To say that I have been actively dating since divorce would be a total fucking lie a bit of a stretch.  Idunno, the concept is still weird, I honestly live a busy life, have a great career, my mini muffin tops, etc.  So the reality is, I need someone who understands that I need to be fed every three hours I don’t have a TON of time to give, and that I am an awful cook who loves to cook, who will try and make you dinner, but will likely give you raging diarrhea can be a total girl (i.e. tell me I am beautiful and pet me). However, this past weekend I was at a get together when someone who I may or may not have slipped some cash to said “Let me tell you this, you are gorgeous and hysterical, you have a great job, a great family and anyone would be so lucky to have one date with you.” Welp, that was all I needed to dive back into the world of online dating!

It’s interesting, after being married for as long as I was, you get a chance to really figure out what you want, and likely more importantly what you don’t want. However, once you figure out what you “don’t” want, you start to really rule out a tremendous number of potential suitors.

For example.  I don’t want a gym rat.  Why? The artist formally known as Mr. Nara 1.0 was a total gym rat. I don’t want to have to explain to someone that yes, it is weird for you to miss your child’s birthday because you need to beef up (yes, that happened, it was birthday #4, which started at 10:00 am, at our home, and 1.0 then mowed the lawn and got shitfaced in front of the other parents.  Good times had by all). Well, so that is sort of a drag, because it means I miss out on guys like this, Richard, 45.  And let’s face it, who doesn’t love a guy who takes a picture of himself, shirtless, in a locker room, with the stall door that he clearly just took a shit in wide open. Le sigh. Sorry Dick.  As a sidebar, I also love the guys who post these shirtless pictures, but NOTHING ELSE. Like “I actually don’t work, or enjoy ANYTHING, other than my moobs.”

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You don’t mind if I call you Dick, do you? 

Another thing I have realized I don’t want, is a car enthusiast.  Why, because I associate all car people with honda civics with holes drilled in the muffler to make it louder A to B people.  The purpose of a car is for your kids to have a back up to where they are going to crush up their food other than the sofa to get you back and forth. No shit, yesterday, I was putting brother in the car, and he picked up a French fry and ate it.  I have no clue where it came from, or how old it was, but yup, my pride and joy actually picked up floor trash and ate it. Can you even imagine how much a “car guy” would hate me?  But again, drag of all drags, Imma miss out on this guy.  Jerry, 41, who apparently only all caps types and really loves his Chevy Malibu. I bet Jerry, 41, totally doesn’t have to ask his mother to take the car.  Like “Ma, can I take the nice car tonight, ya know, the Malibu.”  Also, points for backing that bitch in to park it.

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Totally not Jerry’s moms car.

However, there were a few guys who I bet don’t have heads in their freezers actually swiped “yup” on.   Like this guy, who is clearly my spirit fucking animal. I actually was like “Courthouse, now, you + me = married.” He didn’t swipe me back. Was my proposal too aggressive? Honestly, if anyone knows this guy, slip him a roofie my number.

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JASON! IT’S ME! YOUR TINDERELLA!!!!! 

I also yupped this guy, because he is a wrestling referee, and lately, I have been calling my mini muffins the “rabid fighting kittens” because they are ALWAYS wrestling (FYI, brother wins) and let’s be practical, if Robert, 41, wants to play referee, then who am I to say no?

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I am not normally into bald, morbidly obese men, but for Robert, 41, I would change.

I swiped “yup”” on Chris, 42, because HELLO DID YOU READ HIS FUCKING PROFILE? And he wants kids? I mean, he can just HAVE mine.  He also didn’t yup me back, but I am pretty sure he will.

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Chris, 42, distribute your wine over here.

And last, but obvi not least. I swiped on this dog.

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Anyone else notice that Brian is confused about his age?

So there you have it friends, I think I have some really great prospects and and I am PUMPED to be online dating!!!!