No I don’t google “Snoring bunnies” who told you that?

So after what can only be described as a disastrous 72 hours, my bests were like “Nara, you have GOT to get out there.”  There, being the dating world.  In my vodka hangover fog of letdown and sadness, I decided that maybe they were right….. The entire concept of dating is just SO weird to me.  You are telling me I have to stop Googling “teenie animals being cute,” get dressed, leave my house and go make conversation with a stranger?  How does this even make sense? How did I get here (I mean, I “know” how I got here, I got divorced, then the doctah wanted to have a baby, I didn’t, fast forward a bit and here we are)??? And this ACTUALLY works?

As much as I wanted to disagree with them, and let them know that I was positive I would find someone while I was sitting on my couch watching Bravo TV, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind… I had recently been told I was an “ish” You know, “prettyish, niceish” this was “datingish.” It made me realize that much like my stalker who thinks he knows everything about me I thought I had one thing, and turns out, it was something totally different. It was “ish” They were right.  It was time.

Being such a skeptic of online dating, we went through (literally, the only one us assholes could come up with) a few other options.  Deciding they were correct, taking a full size ad out in the Boston Globe that said “Date our friend please we are fucking begging you” wouldn’t work, ONLY because people don’t read the paper anymore. Not because that is a totally worthless idea.

So there I was.  22 + 17 years old, in front of my computer, totally not googling “baby bunnies snoring” googling “best dating apps” when this happened.

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And then this.

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So right out of the gate, things were going swimmingly well.

I decided that clearly the sugar daddy site was the best option for me I may want to dig a bit deeper and get over my insult of being a “cougar.”  After doing some looking around, I selected a few sites.  As a total sidebar, why isn’t there a dating site linked to my LinkedIn? Do you know how smart that site makes me look? I would be a slam dunk.  There would be no “ish” off of that one.  Moving on.

After writing my brief “about me” and putting up some pictures of myself from 8 years ago, I was excited to see who my matches would be!  My phone instantly blew up with 166 matches. Which, I thought was a bit aggressive, but again, what do I know.  Welp, people, let me tell you, it appears that yet again, I am way fucking smarter than the general population, I was right, this online dating thing is nothing short of fucking hysterical.

I started a tally sheet (no, I really did, see).1

17 people messaged me to tell me that my name is unique.  I finally started messaging back “No it isn’t, it was #3 on the top 100 baby names of 2015, dick.” I mean, there has GOT to be a better opening line, right?

Oh just wait, there sure is! 24 people messaged me with some sort of variation of “you are pretty.” Really, so on the street, you meet someone, and that is your opening line? AND IT WORKS???? More and more I was realizing that I was REALLY out of the game. I was also realizing that saying “Nice profile pic” is like saying “Would you like to get a drink, you seem like a lovely person.”

The people who send awful messages were pretty easy to filter out, but now, it was time to look at some profiles! Because I am a total fucking idiot who has no idea how this game works was really trying to have an open mind, I decided to really look at these fellows, not be my standard critical self, and try to at least attempt to have an open mind (I mean, let’s face the music folks, I wouldn’t be here if the people I met NOT online had worked out). So, while trying to stay positive, and reminding myself that darn it, I am a good catch, I started to look at some profiles. And then I cried.  And bought cat litter.  Even though I don’t have cats, but clearly, I will soon.

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At this point, I was honestly feeling pretty fucking bad for myself.  I mean, is THIS what I am destined to? I don’t feel like I am asking for a lot? A partner? A companion? Someone who wants to send me a “hi” text in the morning…. I don’t even need someone there every day (which, I guess I should rethink the airplane driver). But this is my pick? It had to get better ?  Nope.

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Yup, by this point, I had sweaty pits and had texted the doctah like “So ah, still want to have a baby? Remind me again how pretty and perfect I am and then tell me that someone who isn’t sleepy is going to tell me that.”  He was like “New phone, who dis?”

I tried one more time to tell myself to have an open mind, but it came out more like: “Beautiful princess, with golden locks of hair, Nara, you want a companion, this is just a show.  A stage.”

So as I shut down these dating sites, I reminded myself “Nara, with the unique name, it could be worse, you could be this.”

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This thing still on?

So any yolla, I had to take a break from the old book of face…. Why, you ask?  Well, because when that gorilla, Harambe, got shot, I had NO idea that I had so many friends on book of face that were gorilla experts….. It actually made me feel like a total idiot that I, for one, didn’t know as much about gorillas as all of my friends (some would say, that I know what I am an expert in and that “gorillas” are not one of those things, but ya know, that’s cool)……  Ironically enough, I also had quite a few friends who I didn’t realize were doctors of fucking perfect parenting, and they had quite a bit to say too…. If you can believe this shit, I am ALSO not a perfect parent.  Not a gorilla expert, not a perfect parent.  #lifefail

The timing was somewhat ironic, because I had also been debating taking a blog break….. It’s odd, when you blog, often times, people think they “know” you… But the thing is, you are really just writing a story…. YES – all of this shit happens to me, it literally ALL does, but, that doesn’t make us BFF (so if that one creepster could stop emailing me, that would be roarsome, or at least be a “good” stalker and bring wine)…. I had been contacted by a small online company that may have been porn based publishing company to write a series of blogs, and while at first I loved the idea, then it felt forced….. listen, if it were up to me, and I could do it all over, and I wouldn’t fail, I would either be a writer, or a professional eater.  It is a total toss up.  But imma do it on my own time.

It also seems as though my life has been SUPER laid back as of late…. But then I realized, “Nope, you are just sedated enough that this shit just roooollllsss off.”  So, I did what I do because I am almost always blacked out and I went back through my photos to try and remember things that had happened.

I suppose I will just work backwards (forward? Backwards? Like if I start from now and go in the other direction?)……  So Sunday was Father’s day, the mini’s and I decided to pack up the ole family wagon and head to papa and yaya’s, it’s sort of our lil bliss place.

You need to understand, it is a 3 minute drive.  THREE FUCKING MINUTES……  It was so strange though, because we are driving along West Shore Drive (AKA, “main drag #2 of 01945”) and there were the LOUDEST gunshots….. So in my perfect state of sedation, I was like “Bigs, dude, you hear all those gunshots.” And he was like “I do.”  And we kept driving.  And the gunshots kept following us.  And then I was like “Wait, maybe they WEREN’T gun shots?” (I mean, it would be weird if they weren’t, because that is so fucking common in 01945, but go with me)…. I all of the sudden realize, that the gunshots are coming from my car……  So rather than freak out when I SHOULD have, I now freak out about something I can ACTUALLY deal with…… Imma like “Bigs, the gunshots are coming from my car! Something is wrong with it, you’re 8, fix it!”  However, because I am a totally rational pretty princess, I am clearly not stopping to identify the noise, I actually just drive faster.  At this point, Bigs is like “Mom, I will pray for our safety.” And imma like “Fuck yea god.” We make it to papa and yayas house, and obvi I celebrate my three mile drive with wine.  Then today, this falls off of my car.   I sort of flash back to the gunshots, and all of that shit, and then am like “Well, I mean, it doesn’t seem like it is a super important car piece?”

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Do you love that I saved it? Like what the actual fuck do I think imma do with THIS? 

So then, I go backwards another day, to what we will refer to as “boat day.”  You need to understand that even though I grew up on the water, I get fucking boat sick like a mother fucker.  I am talking green just looking at a dock…. I didn’t even watch pee wee get swamped last summer because I knew I would puke. But, it was my birthday, and gosh darn it, when you turn 27 for the 12th time, you throw on a bikini and pee over the side of a boat I AM SORRY WHAT??? YOU WHAT??????  For those of you who didn’t know, there are two choices, this

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I am like more than 12% certain no one knew what I was doing.

or this

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No one should think I wouldn’t spill pee everywhere.

Pick your poison.

 

Reverse some more (not like drive in reverse,  because I am NOT a good backwards driver, like reverse in time a wee bit more)……. To this….  Biggie’s “Author’s Breakfast”  So cute, right, so fucking cute.  Here’s the thing… .When these guys (well, at least Bigs) started the old second grade (right, second? They are in second?) they were not WRITING novels, and now, well, now they aren’t either…. But we are going to celebrate all 22 of them writing about how a squirrel got his bushy tail (sidebar, they are so fucking cute).  Listen, I am a BIG believer that you celebrate successes big and small.  Our mini trio has had more than our fair share of heart break, so together, we celebrate the wins….. I honest to god need a lobotomy sometimes.  Because I ACTUALLY thought it would be a good idea to take brother to the Author’s Breakfast.  That he would be REALLY good.  Nope.  By like kid #1 he was ready to go…. Don’t panic brother, because Quinn is DEAD LAST. He legit read about his squirrel and I was pitting so much from trying to tame brother that I was like “Nice job learning how to write a book, peace.”

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“And then the squirrel got a bushy tail.” x 22

So, last but not least, everyone always wants an update on my very lame dating life…. Well friends, I will have you know, that a friend of mine talked me into trying online dating…… And this happened.

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Imma just date cats.

Because.  Right.