I proposed the idea to a few friends that they date for me. OK, that sounds weird when I say it that way… Not like go OUT for me (although, TBH, that is not a horrible idea either, mostly bc I am a legit hermit and like to be home) but more like pre-screen that shit for me. Surprisingly enough, they were like “FUCK YEA.” Alarming how much my friends realize that I need non-stop babysitting their support.
First things first, we decided that if I am to dive back into the whole “dating” thing, that I really would need to be honest with what I am looking for, so that they could create the best online profile for me (see that right there, I am still not going online, now other people are as me. I mean, for me. Whatever.). So, we went through my basic requirements:
- Can’t live in your mom’s basement. And, you can’t be like “I am transitioning and living in a basement.” It’s the same thing, you live in your mom’s basement.
- Must be employed. Not like “in-between jobs”, but actually employed
- Can’t smell. Can’t smoke. Can’t do drugs. Can’t think that I won’t notice when you smell, I will.
- Must have all teeth, fingers, toes, etc (I say etc as if this is not an “issue” then I remember the 99% “match” I had once, with the guy who had one eye, and immma like “Fuck, I am so screwed.”)
- You need to have the understanding that my life is my life, your life is your life, and at some point, in the diagram of pie charts (side bar, yum) maybe we cross over a bit and share some life together. I don’t expect you to LIKE Bravo TV, but you should respect it. Those ladies work hard.
- You can’t complain all the time…. Honestly, I can’t fucking deal with it…. I have two names they are “mom.mom.mom.mom.mom.mom.” and “Narathereisaproblemweneedresolvedasap”. There will be no more of that.
- You need to be honest. And I will too.
- That also means you need to be upfront. People who know me, know I am not in this lil life of mine to find Mr. Nara 2.0, but I am also too smart to play games. It might take me a bit to catch on, but when I do, the game is over.
- You need to understand that much like a Gremlin, I need to be fed every three hours. The ramifications are serious.
- The final Mr. Nara 2.0 will understand, that I would like you to be in the top 5 most important things in my life. That I will cherish Mr. Nara 2.0 but that spots 1 and 2 are already taken. Top 5. Not bad IMO.
Which then lead us, to what would likely be the most upfront honest online dating profile ever. It would be something like this:
Single shit show of a mom who has 2 perfect minis (see, get that right out there – oh, the mini’s part, imma pretty sure everyone knows I’m a shit show). Have done the whole “married” thing and well, figured on-line dating was more my style, so then went through the whole “divorce thing.” May have mis-calculated that a bit. I don’t cross fit, don’t hike small (or large) mountains, don’t Atkins. I do eat pizza and drink champagne. Often times together. I color my hair because it is grey, I don’t get my nails done, I don’t fake tan, I don’t have extensions. I am not even sure I can fully commit that I know what extensions are. I love to cook and am really bad at it. I go to the gym a few times a week and spend as much time outside being active, as possible. I have no desire to have what you consider to be the perfect body, abs, boobs, butt. I do, however, desire to be with friends and family enjoying life (see above, champagne and pizza). I suck at second grade math, but can read a nighttime story like it is nobody’s business. I have no desire to spend time with someone who wants me one day, and not the next, I want someone who always wants me to be in their top 5. I’m not in this for sex. Nothing personal fellas, but we can all get it when we want it, it is not that difficult. I am sure you are great at it but, it is not my gig. I live in a house with a revolving door. There is not a day that goes by that there are not friends or family there. That will never change, they are my lifeline. I don’t want to be with someone who needs to be attached to a phone or computer. I’m right here. That should be all you need (and I assure you, nothing, not one thing that great, has changed on your Facebook, so settle down). I may blog, but I am exceptionally private, there are few people I actually let know me, as we refer to as “real me”. My blog life is not my life, it is my blog. I had my heart broken. I am scared. I don’t trust people. I question everything. I have grown and changed. I believe you need to have both an emotional and physical connection with someone. A relationship can’t sustain on just one of those alone. I laugh. Loud. Very loud. I don’t want that to change. I will listen, but expect the same. I get lost with navigation. I love crushed ice.
TBH, I am not expecting my friends to have to screen to many potential suitors… Because, well, ya know, I will never really follow through and put this mug on these interwebs of dating.