The hot mess nest gets hotter. It actually catches on fire.

I think sometimes, people don’t really believe me about what a horror shit show my life can be…. Like, as if I make it up for humor.  Listen people (listen, read? Idunno) you don’t make shit like this up unless you are craaayyyyy I mean like octomom, astronut, cray.

So I have been tied up this week (whoa, not literally, but you know, like busy, I’m not into that shit) in 2 huge projects.  One personal, one professional (wait, is it a project if it is personal? Or just like a thing? Idunno).  Both draining. Normally, I can take this shit and run with it.  The ex-husband formally known as Mr. Nara (Mr.Nara 1.0?) use to say I was the least emotional / sentimental person in the world.  Partially true (it is hard to be like “Yep, that’s me” because there has GOT to be someone who is less sentimental than I am).  Anyholla.

The combination of early mornings, late nights and not having a clear direction on where I am going in either of these “projects” may have totally fucking gotten to me just a teenie bit. Wednesday, I am driving peewee into school, and remember that I forgot something. Shit, what did I forget? Oh! His backpack…..  So, we turn around and head back to the ole homestead.  I leave the car running while I run inside and actually think to myself “Wow, self, that is LOUD.”  Then drive off into the sunset. There is no sunset in the morning, FYI, I made that up.

Then, well, then there was yesterday.  Again, dat bitch (my car) was totally fucking PMS’ing…. But, hello, I had places to go. I got through my normal daily routine, ja know, napping at work and surfing the interwebs until it is time to go home…… I can’t type express enough, HOW long of a week I have had at this point (Thursday).  I am just looking forward to going home and eating. And by “eating” I mean drinking.

So, I am jamming out, when all of the sudden, I realize something smells.  But imma like “Weird, smells like someone’s car is on fire.” BECAUSE CLEARLY IT ISN’T MINE. It actually was mine. So there I am in the middle of the road (road? Highway? What do we call it when there are four lanes, separated by those dividers? Rural Route?) when I realize it actually is, in fact, my car.

In my typical fashion of being JUST sedated enough, I freak the fuck out. I am in the middle of the Rural Route and don’t know what to do…. I am not a lot of things…. For example, I am not tall.  Likewise, I am NOT a fucking gearhead.  When I turned 16, my dad said “Pretty princess Nara do you know how to change a tire?” And Imma like “Fuck no”  “Nope” and he handed me a AAA card and said “That is how you change a tire.” And really, that is me…. I am not afraid to get dirty, to hammer shit out (omg, that actually sounds dirty, but I don’t mean it to be, I mean like, I am good with a hammer) but I just DON’T do cars.

So, I somehow get my smoking car (that has every light I knew about and a few bonus lights on at this point) into a parking lot.  Meanwhile, some dick gave me the finger as I almost hit him and I was ready to get out of my busted up SUV and be like “FUCK YOU SPARKLE TITS” but I didn’t.  I call AAA, it goes like this.

Me: Imma need someone to come get this car

AAA: What’s wrong?

Me: Yea, I have no fucking clue

AAA: Ok honey (legit) can you tell me what happened

Me: It made some really loud noises this week, I have been so busy, I just turned up Pitbull’s new song because that’s mah jam, then it smoked, not like smoked a cig, but had smoke coming out of it and then it died.  Bitch died.

AAA:  Ok, we will send a tow truck

So at that point, I couldn’t even help it, I started to cry.  Listen, I am NOT a crier.  I have been through things and seen things that have made me who I am and part of “me” is that I don’t do that shit.  Welp, there I was, at the corner of Highland and Swampscott Rural Route, sitting on the dirty sidewalk in all white, crying. I should mention, I am a fucking ugly crier.  I am not like a movie star crier, I am legit ugs. But this was the car that we throw little people through the sunroof when I lock myself out, and that we karaoke in while driving on the wrong side of the road, and sometimes the minis drive (only when I have had too much to drink, safety first).

Well, the tow truck guy showed up and offered me his sleeve to wipe my tears and started telling me how he would make $6.00 commission on my misfortune, and Imma like Sleeve, one more time “Six dollars? You should have left me on the side of the road.” And he was like “Wanna ride in my cab?” No dude. Just leave. Honestly. Go. Leave your sleeve though.

 

 

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Move bitch, get out the way…. 

 

Date my friends, and a legit profile. Mayhaps.

I proposed the idea to a few friends that they date for me. OK, that sounds weird when I say it that way… Not like go OUT for me (although, TBH, that is not a horrible idea either, mostly bc I am a legit hermit and like to be home) but more like pre-screen that shit for me. Surprisingly enough, they were like “FUCK YEA.” Alarming how much my friends realize that I need non-stop babysitting their support.

First things first, we decided that if I am to dive back into the whole “dating” thing, that I really would need to be honest with what I am looking for, so that they could create the best online profile for me (see that right there, I am still not going online, now other people are as me.  I mean, for me.  Whatever.).  So, we went through my basic requirements:

  1. Can’t live in your mom’s basement. And, you can’t be like “I am transitioning and living in a basement.” It’s the same thing, you live in your mom’s basement.
  2. Must be employed. Not like “in-between jobs”, but actually employed
  3. Can’t smell. Can’t smoke. Can’t do drugs. Can’t think that I won’t notice when you smell, I will.
  4. Must have all teeth, fingers, toes, etc (I say etc as if this is not an “issue” then I remember the 99% “match” I had once, with the guy who had one eye, and immma like “Fuck, I am so screwed.”)
  5. You need to have the understanding that my life is my life, your life is your life, and at some point, in the diagram of pie charts (side bar, yum) maybe we cross over a bit and share some life together. I don’t expect you to LIKE Bravo TV, but you should respect it. Those ladies work hard.
  6. You can’t complain all the time…. Honestly, I can’t fucking deal with it…. I have two names they are “mom.mom.mom.mom.mom.mom.” and “Narathereisaproblemweneedresolvedasap”. There will be no more of that.
  7. You need to be honest. And I will too.
  8. That also means you need to be upfront. People who know me, know I am not in this lil life of mine to find Mr. Nara 2.0, but I am also too smart to play games. It might take me a bit to catch on, but when I do, the game is over.
  9. You need to understand that much like a Gremlin, I need to be fed every three hours. The ramifications are serious.
  10. The final Mr. Nara 2.0 will understand, that I would like you to be in the top 5 most important things in my life. That I will cherish Mr. Nara 2.0 but that spots 1 and 2 are already taken.  Top 5. Not bad IMO.

Which then lead us, to what would likely be the most upfront honest online dating profile ever.  It would be something like this:

Single shit show of a mom who has 2 perfect minis (see, get that right out there – oh, the mini’s part, imma pretty sure everyone knows I’m a shit show).  Have done the whole “married” thing and well, figured on-line dating was more my style, so then went through the whole “divorce thing.”  May have mis-calculated that a bit.  I don’t cross fit, don’t hike small (or large) mountains, don’t Atkins. I do eat pizza and drink champagne.  Often times together. I color my hair because it is grey, I don’t get my nails done, I don’t fake tan, I don’t have extensions.  I am not even sure I can fully commit that I know what extensions are. I love to cook and am really bad at it.  I go to the gym a few times a week and spend as much time outside being active, as possible. I have no desire to have what you consider to be the perfect body, abs, boobs, butt. I do, however, desire to be with friends and family enjoying life (see above, champagne and pizza). I suck at second grade math, but can read a nighttime story like it is nobody’s business.   I have no desire to spend time with someone who wants me one day, and not the next, I want someone who always wants me to be in their top 5. I’m not in this for sex.  Nothing personal fellas, but we can all get it when we want it, it is not that difficult.  I am sure you are great at it but, it is not my gig. I live in a house with a revolving door.  There is not a day that goes by that there are not friends or family there.  That will never change, they are my lifeline. I don’t want to be with someone who needs to be attached to a phone or computer.  I’m right here.  That should be all you need (and I assure you, nothing, not one thing that great, has changed on your Facebook, so settle down).  I may blog, but I am exceptionally private, there are few people I actually let know me, as we refer to as “real me”.   My blog life is not my life, it is my blog.  I had my heart broken.  I am scared.  I don’t trust people.  I question everything. I have grown and changed.  I believe you need to have both an emotional and physical connection with someone.  A relationship can’t sustain on just one of those alone. I laugh. Loud. Very loud. I don’t want that to change. I will listen, but expect the same.  I get lost with navigation. I love crushed ice.

TBH, I am not expecting my friends to have to screen to many potential suitors… Because, well, ya know, I will never really follow through and put this mug on these interwebs of dating.

 

 

FYI, I don’t give a fu*k about history….

My lil hometown is considering a new school (it appears as though 110 years of 200 students wearing on it may have taken its toll)….. Something so many towns would rejoice over (I mean, legit, how lucky are we? But this is 01945 and I swear we need things to bitch about, and this is the big winner!)…. There is so much opposition to it, and TBH I have no idea why.  However, as I like to say, I am also not very smart, so there is that to take into consideration as well. It seems as though the town is divided into two pretty basic groups.

Group #1.  People who don’t want a new school because it lacks “history” Dude. Again, I am not smart, but I feel like we aren’t exactly driving covered wagons these days, but I am such a space cadet, maybe we are….. (sidebar, can you even IMAGINE me driving a covered wagon?).  And, aren’t you supposed to remember history, not live it? Idunno.

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Me and Pee Wee, just driving the ole covered wagon to school.

Group #2. People who don’t want their children to ingest lead paint and would prefer that they have heat in the winter  People who want to look at all of the options

I dunno.  I spent 10 years in Arizona, where the actual education currently ranks a solid 48 out of the 50 states (you want low, not high).  And, interestingly enough, MA ranks #1.  #holla. So I lived in real time, through some shit education, (in an economy where they are NOT lucky enough to build new schools).  Oh, oh, funny, I do know what I am talking about here, because when I was in Arizona, I worked, in, you guessed it, education…..  So I can really see the benefits of a new school a fresh coat of paint, not falling down and breaking your hip, more than 8 parking spots for 200 people and a school than can accommodate, I dunno, a fucking god damn fire truck in the event there is a fire clean, functional learning spaces as well as adequate space for the little ones to stretch their legs.

I was asked to look into being a candidate for the feasibility study for a new school, because I likely offer a different vantage point (and, wine). I have two young sons (aka my mini hot messes) but they go to two different school districts.  Why? You ask?  Well, because as group #1 would say, Bigs is not ADA so he doesn’t need to be shuffled to a “safe” school. Makes sense when you say it that way… I mean, he is 8 now and all, and legit doesn’t need safety at all. He will be fine.  BUT THE OTHER ONE…. Pee Wee, well, because he is ADA, he gets bused off (ever met an ADA kiddo, ever tried explaining complex things to them? Like “Oh, mommy can’t bring you to school, now you have a driver, a bus, you need to get your back pack, I know you are scared, but um, I bet things will be ok”) but, I mean, that’s cool, because there is “history” in the 110 year old school, so screw him and all of his little ADA buddies too!

I don’t negate that, 110 years is a long time.  If those walls could talk (well, walls don’t talk, and TBH, they would prob be like “Rip me down and send me to my grave.”)….. So much so, that I decided to ask Dr. G what he thought about schools 110 years ago.  If  you can believe this, a few pictures and even a lillle reading came up…. Some snippets:

Teachers were segregated by gender (remarkable, segregation ended in 1964, but it is being insinuated that we bring it back and segregate ADA students….. I LOVE forward thinkers! That’s right group #1, looking two steps ahead and 52 years in the rear!).

Often times, children rode ponies to school! We bitch about the parking at Gerry, can you even imagine if there were 200 ponies?!??!

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Pony Parking.

In the early 1900’s, racial segregation was still prominent, so much so, that if a black child lived and worked on a farm, the owner of the farm could pull him out of school at any time to work alongside his parents.   How’s that for “preserving history?”

In MA, the classrooms were heated with coal. I say we bring it back! The teachers certainty don’t have enough to do, they should tend to a fire as well! That will stop everyone from bitching about the boiler and we don’t give a shit about pollution because, duh, HISTORY!

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I refuse to commit that this ISN’T the Gerry heating system, but at any rate, no need to update it, seems fine!

 

Often times, the schools were one-room schoolhouses. I mean, the Gerry is ½ way there considering the gym, art and music room are all the same! I mean, way to optimize time and space like “KIDS, get your paint brushes and run, run, run!!!!!!! Now whistle! Where are your recorders?”

I’ll wrap this up with one more nugget of info for you folks who still support segregation and discrimination history.  And this one is from the heart.  MY SON DOES NOT DESERVE LESS THAN ANY OTHER CHILD.  People who suggest it should be ashamed. Absolutely ashamed.  I walk through every day with the HOPE that he will be ok.  That he will have a future. How DARE anyone suggest he shouldn’t? 01945 schools are, in often cases, “grandfathered” in to ADA law….. That does not, however, give anyone the right to suggest that ADA students deserve a lesser or “different” education. BTW, I actually don’t give a fuck about history.

In 1975 Congress passed Public Law 94-142, Education for All Handicapped Children Act. One of the most comprehensive laws in the history of education in the United States, this Act brought together several pieces of state and federal legislation, making free, appropriate education available to all eligible students with a disability. The law was amended in 1986 to extend its coverage to include younger children. In 1990 the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) extended its definitions and changed the label “handicap” to “disabilities”. Further procedural changes were amended to IDEA in 1997.

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I couldn’t agree more, let’s ship this kid out and preserve history!