Here’s the gig. I legit 100% slammed the brakes on online dating. Why? I already have enough fucking crazy in my life, I don’t need to be swiping to find the next Mr. Nara, when I could be at the shelter looking for cats. I dunno. It just isn’t me…. I don’t want to go to a random bar, and meet some random guy, and assume shit is just going to work out. Do you know who I am? I still can’t figure out how to make the lights on my car go back to “auto” you HONESTLY think a Tinder date is going to work out for me? Solid nope. I am holding out for meeting in the produce aisle and someone being all like “Wow, you ALSO like cucumber, we are a 10 match.” Oh shit. I grocery shop online. Ha. So much for a produce match. Anyhoo.
However, the hilarity of online dating lives through some of my BFF’s. For example, can we talk about one of my GF’s who was “talking” to this guy, and all of the sudden, there is a question of height. AND HE IS FIVE FOOT FUCKING 2 INCHES. Listen people, that is how tall I am, and I am a very short person. I was all like “Oh, so he wears those shoes that make you look taller, no, those are super cool. I mean, looka how well they work for Tom Cruise.
Seems like a match. Go for it, if, ya know, you are into little people”
I am sorry, what the actual fuck. There is a reason he is online dating. BECAUSE HE IS HOPING HE DOESN”T GET ASKED HOW SHORT TALL HE IS. I bet he does get asked “So, how short are you?” like, slip of the tongue. Womp.
Moving on to online date #2. GF shows me pictures of this guy, and it went something like a so…..
Me: Yea, I don’t like him at all. (I at the very least admit that I am judgy).
Me (judger): He is super fucking boring.
Friend: But that is just his picture, and he is nice.
Me (bitch): No, no he isn’t, he is boring. He makes me want to take a nap right now (ok, to be fair, I was so gassed after having a crayyy week, that anything made me want to nap, but this guys profile picture was like a “Contacts out, NAP.”)
Well, dontcha know, they go on a date…. So, the next morning, we are all laying making sure we do nothing productive…. chatting… When immma like “OMG, how was your date with the most boring person in the entire universe?” And then we went like a so:
Friend: Um, it was good. He’s nice.
Me: Uh-huh, did he look like his pictures (listen, “nice” means the same thing for men or women… Like, yea, he’s “nice” so boring I stabbed myself and jumped into the pizza wood burning fire for fun.”)
Friend: He, um. No. No, he didn’t. He was…
Me: Oh, like the old “The pictures are from 5 years ago.”
Apparently the worlds most boring person forgot to mention this.
See, see people, there are just TWO reasons that I want a million cats won’t online it.
Now, I did have a few superhot dates this weekend……. Areyouret?
One was for family taco night. Here’s how that date went. Within 8 seconds I had locked my keys in my car (Legit, I should never be unsupervised). Good news, I left the sunroof open and we tossed a few lil people (not midgets, and not date #1 from above, but I guess that would have worked too, actual young people) through the sunroof. Yup. All class, all the time.
Next date, was with one of my BFF. I took her to the dump…… Yup. She is running Boston (right now, holla #30581) and such as it is, she had a bit of pre-run nerves (like how I say that as if I know?….. Clearly I don’t. We were all actually discussing today how I would not run the .2 miles for anything less than genuine street tacos. And even then, .2 seems far). Anyhoo, I had to hit up the dump, so off we go…. Right, lemme tell you people, this place is a HOT SPOT, because the line was down the street (I’m actually not kidding about that part)…. I’m not sure if it was the shot out, taped up windows (also not kidding) or the clientele of said dump, but the place was popping. Lots of people from 01945 still had to dump their Christmas trees. Truth. I was disappointed to only get hit on yelled at once, by the guy I hit with a rather large branch. Apparently you shouldn’t throw those. I’ve never really been a “rules” person.
The last hot date of the weekend, was one that actually should have been video taped by E for my upcoming reality show censored. You know, when you have that one friend who when you are together, basically everything is funny and someone pees their pants? Right, well, that is my
(did I forget that I also identify people with emojis. Yea, true)…..
So, uni and I decide to go shopping for our kiddos panties. I mean, why not? First things first, this weekend, likely because I did not have my own cherubs, screaming, crying children followed me. Those fuckers had my number. Let’s not act like this was any different. There were many exchanges of “If that asshole follows me, I am taking out my flask leaving.” Well, dontcha know those dinks follow us to the skivvies. So, in such, imma like “Unicorn, do you like this thong, or this thong.” CPS frowned upon that one.
So, as you can see, I am really crushing it in the world of dating. Hold on to your seats for more deets about my friends who are ok with super short people where that goes.