I thought that for today’s blog, I would do a recap of the weekend. Then I was like “dear fuck, did I black the ENTIRE thing out?” wow. What did I do anyway? So, I did what I do, and went through my pictures, and was like “Wow, my friends spend a LOT of time with me in either pajamas or Lulu.” That’s. Embarrassing. So, a recap of the weekend.
Friday, peewee had his art show. If you have never been to one before, this is when the parents have to pay $50 for a piece of “art” that they would normally pay zero for to throw out the minis get to display their art. The show is held in a hallway, and it is so claustrophobic that I want to be like “HERE IS MY FUCKING CHECKBOOK, IM OUT.” There is music and the kids really like it.
Anyway, the mini one has been BEGGING for me to “give him swimming lessons.” Which is actually hysterical because I honest to god can’t swim. I don’t think I took a swimming lesson, I think I took a (literally, single) drowning prevention class. It retrospect, it is weird, because I grew up on the water and spent summers on a lake. Anyhoo. Seemed like post art show was as good a time as ever.
So, off we go for me to give him “swimming lessons.” Now, you need to understand that there was not a fucking shot I was going in that pubic (public?) pool? Because yup. Pubic. Oh, and it opens to a mezzanine, that 100 people are sitting at and you think I am going to waddle around in my bathing suit. Nope. That is what I pay for.
Well, I needed to get the minis changed into their suits. This always presents one of those “single mom” problems, because I don’t have a penis. Oh, I mean, that should not be a shock to most of you, but what that means, is that I can’t go in the boys changing room. OK, this is all coming out wrong. What it means is that we need to use the family changing room. Well, as is par for the course, they were all full….. So, I sort of stand outside one, and brother starts to strip in front of the art show, because that’s how we roll. When this single woman came out of the “family room.” It takes everything I have when that shit happens to not be like “Honestly asshole?” And I would have, but I was immediately taken over by whatever just came out of her body. She clearly eats from a dumpster really needed to go. So minis are changing, brother is like “Mom, she did a stinky, PEE YEW, MOMMY IT STINKS.” And I’m like “What brother, say it louder so everyone knows we didn’t do it.”
Off we go to the pool. Peewee is so excited because he is like a dog in a car, and they just get so happy all the time this is his big swimming lesson. Bigs, on the other hand, has his period and was like “Whatever, swimming is not cool.”
Off peep goes to swim while bigs scopes for chicks at the pool. No shit, the kid can SWIM. There was Friday night after that. I stopped taking pictures so I am not super clear on what happened.
Saturday. Now, this was the day that Peep has been waiting for his entire life. He had a play date with TWIN GIRLS. Can you even. Legit though they are BFF and it was the cutest thing ever. Of course, as this happened, Bigs wanted to go outside (cool) and I was like “Dude, I didn’t go see if pickles pooped out there yet, so just do a look around.” Four seconds later “Mom, Pickles pooped and I stepped in it.” Like, did he not understand why I wanted him to look around? And that it was not actually to step in it? The kid is honestly a shit magnet.
Moving on. My unicorn and I now decide it is a good idea to take ALL of our boys bowling. Let me re-phrase that. I wanted to nap, she came and got me and was like “no, its cool to go out in pajamas, no one will know, people are totally fine with you not wearing pants” The only reason I went is because they serve beer and the old guy who works there is one of those people that when he is like “Yousobeautiful” you think he actually really means it, and LBH, I need every little bit of help.
So, we have the tres amigos at bowling….. Fast forward that my children think you throw the ball OVERHAND….. Right, so every time they pulled that arm back, I was like “JESUS CHRIST WHO FUCKING TAUGHT YOU TO BOWL.” And they were all like “Um, you.” OK So at the time, it SEEMED like a good idea to let them all drink gigantic lemonades. Then this happened.
They thought it would be funny to open the windows and yell to the people on the road. Ok, TBH, it was actually funny for the first 3 minutes, the next 32 were. Fucking. Torture. If I had pants on I would have walked home. So then this happened.
We slowed down and kicked them out of the car and drove off with the doors open dropped them off at a friend’s house and left. I mean, there are times it is you or the kids, and this was one of those times I was going to be like “open your mouth and take the Benadryl” “I am mom, I am in charge.”
So from there (and I received a gentle reminder of this today)…… We all have family dinner, time to go home, etc, etc….. Quick stop for one of our epic sunsets…..
Then this. I challenge all those fuckers to a lip synch battle. Never done that? Oh, I am a professional, partly because I honestly know every word to every song, and partly because, duh, I am awesome I make the rules so that I win.
So, those of you from 01945, as I was crushing them in the battle, we were jamming, it happened…… We decided all of those minis needed to go have a neck run. Yup…. Windows down, singing, Saturday night. It was a little weird when we turned around at the light house and there were all the 13 year olds getting hanky panky cuz, ya know.
Then, well, then there was Champagne Sunday. Lately, my weekend starts on Tuesday, and this week has been no exception. I just have so freaking much going on and 2 days isn’t enough and starting four days early was the only logical solution. So getting drunk on Sunday rather than being productive champagne Sunday is always a nice way to wind down. Oh, and, because I had to take the minis to Target, which, if you remember, I hardly let them out of the house so this was fucking TORTURE…. The story is so much longer than that, but I think I have PTSD from it. Not STD, the one that you are traumatized. Yes. That is me. Post Target. I think my text to the girls said “I am going to drink champagne so I don’t murder someone.” I mean, paraphrasing, but pretty close. It might have actually been exactly that. Plus, I needed my girls to analyze something from me, because, duh, that is how I roll.
So, I know from here, it seems like the weekend is going pretty swell, right? Right? Well, Sunday night = everyone has to get clean…. So, I gently remind my minis of that (read previous blog about why this is a problem here https://wordpress.com/post/naramitchell.wordpress.com/69
I somehow bribe Bigs into taking a shower with Mini (I really wish I could remember what my bribe was…. I bet I was like “Front row seats to a Warriors game.” I mean, I really would say something like that….)
So, they agree to the shower, and I hear mini “Kin, kinny, where are your boobies? Kin, kinny, you have a ding dong and balls too.” (Honestly, I have NO idea where he gets “Balls” from. Ding dong is me, and there are tons of variations, but “balls” is something I can HONESTLY say never comes from my mouth. I’m not all like “Bros, how are your balls?”)
And that is it, the weekend in review. I think. I am sure I am forgetting something else though.