Anyone else notice I have no idea how to number shit or change the name of my blog so it isn’t “naramitchell” Technology + me = no bueno.
Anyhoo, back to me.
So anyway, yesterday we started in the “Why I won’t date online” details. Memba? I mean, as much as LOVE waking up to an inbox filled with these folks,
let’s face it, I am way too fucking judgy, and no, no, I don’t want to be in your boots. Or your anything. Ever. It’s hard to find the time to talk, let alone date all of these fucktarts who I swear my friends put on there to punk me kind, basically upstanding, sort of employed men. Now, don’t worry, we will go into greater detail about some of the fucking gems who I bet don’t kill people kind folks I met through online dating, but first, this.
I had this moment of revelation, at one point, what I like to refer to as “Who the FUCK do I think I am?” There I am, swiping “nope” on all of my 99% sweet ass matches (above)…. When I pause on what appears to be a sort of normalish fellow. Breezing through his profile, I am like “Whoa, back up there Mr. Nara #2.” When I see that he has written “If you are one of those crazy ass chicks who has pictures of you kissing your dog, you are not for me.” What sort of sociopath says that? I am sorry, but THIS is the action of a woman who is CLEARLY way too attached to her dog normal.
All the sudden, I was doing a major fucking “Pump the breaks” on ME….. Listen, you don’t need to tell me that I am the best at eating tacos and drinking wine single mother in the world, who hardly has a ton of baggage. HONESTLY, who do I think I am….. All of the sudden, the guy up above, gulp, is looking like an actual candidate.
That is the thing with getting back into dating….. Your friends, your family, your dog, your co-workers, they all tell you how great you are. If you are like me, you make your kids say “Mom, you are a beautiful princess” 2 times a day. I’m not kidding. It is basic manners people.
Then, you dive into the murky waters of dating, and WTF, these people don’t think I am the most god damn perfect person in the world? They need to check themselves, or, OMG. It is me. I was going through my phone. I. Legit. Hate. Myself. You. Should. Too.
Oh just wait, it gets worse. I also have a habit of sending my BFF’s selfies. I want them to remember how much they love me when they are not with me. Don’t believe me? Oh, ok. APPARENTLY I PICK THE UGLIEST FUCKING PICTURES ON THE PLANET!?!??!?!?!
Then, then I remember this group text, and I am like ‘HOW THE FUCK HAVE MY FRIENDS NOT BROKEN UP WITH ME YET?”
First, yes, everyone has a name in my phone. It’s a long story. No, they are not all good. Second, yes, whistling and sneezing all in 7 seconds. God fuck I am so beautiful.
Here is the thing, I wish I could say that this is just me SOMETIMES, nope. This is basically me on my A game. Dead serious. This is me just on like a normal Tuesday. And yet, I am all judgymcjudger about people on match.com. WHO DO I THINK I AM!?!?!?!!?
Every day, really eeerrrry day, it becomes more and more clear, why I should not date online. Well, or at all I suppose.
Some more “nopes”
- Living in your moms basement
- Sleeping past 10 on the reg (I have no idea why “10” is the magic number, it just is)
- Non – pet things as pets (snakes, spiders, anteaters,, a giraffe would be ok though)
- “Looking” for a job. Lotto shit I am looking for, “job, career, stability” nope
- Any sort of a lack in sarcasm (remember when I was talking to the one guy, and joking around, I was like “Ha, nope, never want to talk to you again.” and the next day, he messaged me like “Hey, don’t know what I did to make you say you never want to see me again.” Welp, you were stupid. That is what you did.
You honestly wouldn’t think I had just written a blog about how much I suck.
Next blog. Yup. More why I won’t go online. More of my gem finds. These may just be the ones who, ahem, could be a bit more modest.