Why I will never online date, The Bad Match, Part 1 – Believe me, YOU don’t want to date ME

If you think back to my very first post, someone who I knew had commented on how lucky I was that I got a “fresh start.” That I got to pick my next (final?) lifetime companion (like, sorry first Mr. Nara, peace out and do over).   That comment resonates with me in so many ways.  Clearly, that was someone who is likely shitfaced or has no actual clue how divorce and / or life works so shut your fucking pie hole, this isn’t  a bad episode of “The Dating Game” like “Whoops, Chuck, I picked the wrong guy to marry, but I get to try again!” however, because you said that just shows how unhappy YOU are in YOUR marriage. Fuckers.  doesn’t quite understand how painful divorce is.  That person is generally someone who gives out bad advise on the reg, like “Sure, cross the street without looking both ways.” Or “You can TOTALLY have a second piece of cake, you are so skinny.” You know “That friend.”

That being said, I suppose it is human nature to not be alone

.  I don’t mean that in like the “pack” sense. I mean, I don’t want to go get a flock of wolves and have them help me raise my mini’s, although, idunnno, I do really like dogs and all.  Wait, focus.  What I mean, is that, at some point I would like to not always sleep like this:

bed
For a small person, I have managed to figure out how to take up an entire bed.

Shit. I am looking skinny these days.

Anyhoo.  It seems like the new “norm” is for people to date online.  I dunno, it just seem so weird to me… I remember, isn’t that how people get killed on Craigslist? Wait, is that how they do? I mean, when the old Mr. Nara and I met, we met…. Literally. Like, as people, not as online personas.  Oh shit.  Look at how that worked out. Huh.

Moving on. I suppose all of these dating sites follow the same simple algorithm.  Are you tall? Do you like tall people? Do you like to smoke? Do you want to learn how to smoke? Do you like to date midgets? Do you think those shoes with the toes built in are ok? Do you have a tail? You know, the basics. I just find it so strange, that on EVERY SINGLE DATING SITE my “matches” come back into a few simple categories.  Today, let’s dive into category one.  We shall call him “YOU don’t want to date ME.”

Basic stats: Harvard (Yale, enter in here any really good school, those are just the only two that I know how to spell).  Works as some sort of a PHD, (is that how you write it? You know, those doctors, not like “Cough cough” but like “I am super smart so I get three extra letters”, them), avidly climbs rocks, eats kale and does presentations on the side about how diet coke should be banned.  You know, these guys:

Of course, we are a 78% match.  I suspect it might be the flag because  merica.  Big fan of the décor overall. I love the “shabby clutter” look.

 

1
My, what nice jeans you have.

I was also a high match with this kind fellow. Who I am positive doesn’t live in his mom’s basement. I am also sure he is not nearly sedated enough for me to deal with for five fucking seconds.  As a side bar, are those the SMALLEST fucking hands ever? They are like toddler hands!

2
No question, this guy has ferrets. Many, many ferrets.

Why so serious, Wayne?  That can’t possibly be your name, right? Is anyone ACTUALLY named Wayne? They tell you to put up profile pictures of you doing “fun” things. Is this your “fun” side, Wayne? Are you basically the most opposite of fun ever?

 

3
I refuse to date anyone who has better hair than I do.

Why doesn’t “this guy” want to date me? Are you fucking stupid? Because I will make fun of him right away, duh.  Like, TO HIS FACE. Because I am not smart enough to carry on a conversation about ions (are those a thing, not IRONS, IONS?).  Because I don’t really give a shit about IONS, because I drink diet coke, swear, and tried kale once.  I will never be a rock climber. There is no question that these guys ALL wear Tevas and have gross feet.  See, they don’t want to date me, I have already ripped them apart and I have no idea who these fictitious unicorns really even are.

THESE ARE MY FUCKING MATCHES PEOPLE…….. And, to make it worse, these are just the ones I can’t date because they are nerdier than I am.  And that, that right there, is a lot of nerd.  These aren’t the ones I can’t date because their profile starts with “Yo, playa.”

I AM GOING TO BE ALONE WITH FUCKING CATS FOR THE REST OF MY GODDAMN LIFE.

I know, I know, right now, you are so jelly that I get to “start over” and “pick again.” I mean, back the fuck up people, because that is the cream of the crop.  I don’t feel like I am asking for that much? Oh, I know, at the end of every blog, I will state some of my basic “nopes.”

Next blog, Why I will never online date, The bad match part 2 – Is THAT a picture of what I think it is????

Nopes:

Pegged Jeans

Tevas / crocs

Bad toes

Nose hair

Bad Breath

Short

Thinks Kale is real food – PIZZA is real food, Kale is for bunnies. And Hippies.

 

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