When you have children, life just gets harder. Simple fact. Two is harder than one, I am sure three is just crazy, and people with 3+ are just fucking tanked all the time. They can say they aren’t, they are. Likewise, when you have a special needs child, things are also, somewhat harder. Throw in being a single mom of two boys as in, I don’t have a penis having some seriously fucking aggressive seasonal allergies, and the two minis coming off of their weekend high, and well. That is me.
Anyhoo. My mini struggles in so many ways, one of them, is temperature. He sincerely feels things being hotter, or, in this case colder. So, par for the course, this is how things go now:
Me: Peewee, time for tub
Him: No momma, tubs makamecold
Me: Two minutes peep, then tub
Him: I said no
Me: OH, ok, then let’s just have you jump in the shower
See, in the past, this always worked in my favor, because along with temperature, he is also incredibly sensory. Things that you or I don’t even think of, can be truly painful. So, like the really good fucking parent I am, when he wouldn’t take a tub, I would throw out the old “shower” idea. He would have a total meltdown, freak out at the idea of a shower, and then take a two hour tub.
Welp, didn’t he just throw that one in my face.
See above conversation, only this time, it ends like this
Him: Sure momma, but you get in with me and keep those rain drops from hurting me
SERIOUSLY??!??! Who can say no to that? Well, I did at first.
Him: Him, momma, iscared
At this moment, you just have to know, that nothing good is coming, really. So he starts stripping, and I am thinking I can play the whole “Oh sure, I’ll get in in a second.” (sort of like when you know your husband wants to do it, so you are like “Oh yea, ahhh, I’ll be in bed in like 5 minutes, just a have a few things to do and then just sleep on the couch. I never did that, I just have heard that some people do). Focus. So I am thinking I will trick him, as he strips down, putting his clothes in the trash can and his socks in the toilet (pick your battles people). And then he says “Now you momma, you have to keep me warm and safe.”
Ridiculous. Fine. At this point, I am actually cracking up, when he legit slaps my boob and says “MOM WHAT ARE THOSE BIG FINGS?”
What do you say? WHAT DO YOU SAY???? So, as I am trying so hard not to laugh, I say “boobies.” WHAT. WHAT NARA. THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO SAY?!?!
Him: Why you have big boobies? For big shirts?
Yes brother, for big shirts.
Keep in mind, we have not even gotten into the shower folks.
So, in we go….. He seems sort of ok, but I can tell, the water is actually scary for him, and the “raindrops” are, in fact hurting him. So, I decide we are going to hurry this shit up.
Me: Ok, pee wee, let’s put some soap on your hand, and you can wash your bum
Him: First momma, put some soap on my dinosaur and I wash him
At this point, because I am a total idiot who thinks NOTHING through, I do. And like slow motion, watch him start rubbing his eyes. I am thinking “Please sweet baby jesus mother of Christmas, let that whole no tear thing be true.”
I CAN’T SEE. I AM BLIND. MOMMY, WHY YOU PUT SOAP IN MY EYES?
Yup, this is happening. So now, I am trying to wash his hands, and face, I can’t stop laughing, and he says “Mommy, all I see is your boobie. I see nofin but boobie.”
Yup. I basically throw him out of the shower and into the freezing cold bathroom but at least I am POSITIVE that he will never want to take another shower again.
“Mommy, we did so good in the shower, and we worked so hard, let’s do it again soon.”
Oh yes, let’s.