Someone once said to me, that she thought I was “lucky” because I got to “start over” and “hand select” who I wanted to date. Interesting thought, I suppose. I had not exactly thought to myself “That’s right fuckers, one of the lucky ones here who got divorced! HOLLA!” And it wasn’t as though my parents placed an ad looking to get rid of me the first time, in exchange for a dozen chickens and six goats. Wait? WTF? Is THAT what the goats were for on our wedding day? They said they were just organically cutting the grass and that it was just “bad timing”. Teach me a lesson.
At any rate, I think that what she meant (maybe, and it is hard to tell, because she is a total vodka drunk and sometimes those people are cooooo coooo a little confused) was that I had been married once and got to do it again? Right? Fuck. Even as I type this, I am like “Is she a fucking idiot?” Actually, I know the answer to that question, never mind.
When I met the ex-Mr. Nara we were super young. We were friends who secretly loathed each other. Huh, not much changed I suppose…. We met at work, which seems like a common place to settle for the one fucking person you suppose you will spend the next 70 years with meet your true love. Well, fast forward 15 years or so, 2 babies and now having the title of “single mom.” That’s right fellas, hot commodity on the market this bitch right here is. (Here I am, I take a lot of selfies for and with my friends… When they are not with me, I want them to be reminded of how much they love me, and when I am with them, I want them to be reminded of how hot I am. It is also a really good way to do a quick eyebrow check, so I recommend it – here I am with my spirit unicorn.
Single and reeeaattty to mingle. OMG, I just legit barfed in my own mouth from that.
I have found in my new “lucky” state, that the “eligible men” I would be dating, really break down into a few simple categories.
- They have never been married
- They too, are divorced
- They are just plain old fucked up
They then, fall into additional sub-categories (aka, “subs” – Ew, don’t go all sex on me here, sub as in “sub-category” Pervs).
- Fucking needy (Listen, if you have read my prior blog, you know I already have my children trying to jump back into my vag 26 hours a day, no need for you to)
- Someone who you can arrange to see every 82nd day (which, breaks down to 4.5 days a year, not a bad gig if you think about it and likely all someone can tolerate with me).
- Fucking nuts. And when I say “fucking nuts” I mean THEY ARE HONEST TO GOD CODE RED FUCKING CRAZY AND THAT WHAT ESCAPE EXITS ARE FOR, BYO safety ladder.
Well, well, well…. Lucky for you all, I have dipped my toes into the water of all of those – arentchalucky. Let’s break it down, shall we. Settle down fuckers, that is what taco night is for. Yup. Taco night. Me, my favorite girls, tequila, tacos, and we break. That. Shit. All. Down. Needy, limpy, nutty, pervs, the ones who still text in code (brb, jk, HBD – my oh my, you must really save yourself so much time) just wait. Of course, yes, the ones we love will be spared, the rest of you dill-dongs are up for review. Sweet. Jesus. Little. Lord. Stay tuned amigos.