My life is a total shit show. No honestly, it really is. That is actually an understatement. For example, yesterday, I pick up the minis from their after school program, take a totally graceful 45 minutes to get them into the car. Drive home, feeling pretty proud that baby brother only opened his door and tried to escape once. Crank into the driveway, when, fuck. I don’t have keys to the house. So, like the graceful, eloquent, really beautiful, very smart and humble mother that I am, I did what anyone would do. Sent the big guy through the doggy door. Some people may call that bad parenting, I call that “Tuesday.” For reals.
I had blogged a while back, and then, well, I went through a fucking shit show of a divorce, lost my best friend, cried on the floor a lot and had not a single fucking nice thing to say about anyone my career really took off and I needed to focus, focus, focus.
The 30 second recap of me. I am a hot wreck of a single mom of the greatest challenges loves of my life. I was married for 10 years. The end. No really, no one wants a blog about a divorce, they want a book. Be patient. Every day that I make it to work, I legit congratulate myself. You could actually insert anything there, Every time I get out of bed, every time I wash my hair, every time I don’t set the kitchen on fire…. See, they all fit.
I am proud beyond belief of my small ones, there is nothing in the world that I love more than them, but I have realized through single mom-dome that I have a hard time answering the question “Mom, why does my ding dong get big?” with a straight face. Or any face at all, actually. I assume that makes me a “bad” mom. Eh, whatevs. I get unreasonably excited when I check the school lunch calendar and it is pizza day. Fuck yes. No making lunches for 24 hours. I still believe in love. Oh, not for me, but in theory, I suppose it could exist.
My bullet points (if you can’t bullet point your life, you need to reassess):
- Obsessed with:
- My boys
- Their goodbyes (“Mommy, hugs, hugs, more, more, kisses, kisses. No mommy, sit so we can kiss you.” Every. Single. Morning.)
- Mexican food. In particular, tacos. If you are looking to date me (that’s right fellas, on.the.market.) bring me tacos not flowers.
- My friends and family who picked me up off the floor numerous times, brushed me off and were like “God, you are fucking ugly when you cry, clean that shit up, STAT.”
- My career. I changed. It is awesome. You are jelly.
- Music and dance parties. If you are not, just leave.
- My dog. I went on one date with someone who didn’t like dogs. One date. The end. Exit.
- Things I am not good at:
- Online dating (more to come), but I would honestly rather be a cat lady who looks for coupon deals on Meow Mix. alone.
- Swimming. Ask my cousins and siblings. I should NOT be left unassisted.
- Anything technology related. I actually sent an email the other day that said “As (name withheld because it is embarrassing for everyone) can attest to, I am not very good with technology.” My phone went black last week, I cried, because that will show that god damn phone who is boss.
- Making dinner. Honestly, they want to eat EVERY night? Who the fuck does that?
- Second grade math.
- Things I excel at:
- Jesus Christ, I am drawing a total blank? I AM GOOD AT NOTHING? Ahh, being the friend who is like “Be there in 5 with wine.” Wow, this is embarrassing.
Stay tuned for more blogs about my crazy life, how I would make a small fortune if I just agreed with E TV and let them video tape my life for a reality show, and of course, my opinions (which are actually facts).
Here we are…. Just the three of us…. Someone is always pissed at me, looks like it was BB this day.