I hate myself. I literally googled this “Fun snow day activities.” I did that. I normally never would, because, let’s face it,
I am not a good parent, I am the most unfun person in the world, but heading into our third storm in 10 days, desperate times folks. Did I say I hate myself? I mean, I hate other people. These were the top hits.
1. “Create a furniture train, make tickets, take off to anywhere you want to go… Chooo Choooo.” I am sorry, the fuck? How much fucking furniture do you people have? I can’t even make a god damn caboose. I mean, not that I had any intention of doing that, but I like to use the excuse “Darn, seems so fun, but I just don’t have enough furniture.” Also, can you imagine if I was like “Hey ah, Bigs, here is your train ticket, to ahh, the, ahh, living room.” He’d leave. He would literally be like “Yea so peace, I have tried to deal with your crazy, I out.”
2. Bring the snow inside. No. Ok, no. I don’t even like when people come in my house with wet shoes, let alone with a shovel of snow. And what exactly am I doing with it once it doesn’t comes inside? I’m sure as shit not making an instantly meltable Frosty. The deeper suggestion – MAKE A SNOW CASTLE??? WHO. ARE. THESE.
MONSTERS. MOTHERS. Because I never want to meet them. They are the moms that don’t drink at soccer games because it is “illegal.” Dummies, it isn’t illegal, it is just frowned upon, we all know that. Can you imagine me back at work, when someone asks what I did on the snow day and I am like “Made a snow castle. Inside. Inside my living room.” They would be like “You know, Nara, you have had a great run, but ya crazy, see ya.”
3. This one was great. “Invite the neighborhood kids over and start a band!” I love that the asshole who wrote that one ended with an exclimination point!!! I also do that when I am trying to act fun!!! Listen, Bigs lost his saxophone. I’m still paying for it, and absolutely refuse to help find it. It could be “missing” in the trunk of my car, not looking. You think I am having the neighborhood kids over to start a band. No. Firm no. Also, I love that whoever wrote this one assumes that ALL of the neighborhood kids are talented musicians? And that they are like “What song do y’all want to play, hot cross buns, or baby got back? And a 1 and a 2 and a 1, 2, 3, SING!” She clearly has never been to a third grade recorder concert! (see what I did there!)
4. Computer time. It says “There are plenty of educational sites, no need to worry!” Listen, you want your ipad and you will leave me alone, cool.” That is literally the amount of screen time they get. “Cool.” That amount.
5. Sock toss. “My kids loved this when they were younger, they would toss socks gently into a basket or bag.” Oh no doubt. Because Bigs is playing full court mini hoop inside the living room (sorry, train furniture room). I am sure that an invigorating game of sock toss will keep him entertained.
6. Skype grandma and grandpa! Is skype still a thing? I thought it was now like a….. whatsitcalled, like a sex video site. Like for sexy time. Is grandma on there? Am I the only one who thinks that is what Skype is???
7. Make a masking tape city. OK, two things here. First, I know I am not creative. Totally on board. Second, whoever wrote this clearly HATES their house. It goes on to say “Tape outlines of cities on the floor.” Who you think I am? An architect? I’m not designing a tape city. Settle down Creative Carol.
8. Now I am just cracking up, but it might also be the
eleven two mimosas, not sure. “Moon sand! Baby oil + flour, hours of fun!” It then has a hyperlink and says “you can see pictures here” but I am 99% sure that leads to a porn site and this is a wholesome family snow day. Not a skype day with grandma. Get your head out of the gutter. Gutter? Toilet? Whatisit? Get ya head outtathere.
9. Treasure Hunt. “Hide something in the house and give the kids clues to find it.” Ok, every DAY with my cherubs is a god damn treasure hunt. I have zero need to hide anything. Ever.
At any rate, we are now three storms in 10 days with another one anticipated. The little one is constipated, so he wanted to take a tub. Apparently I made it to hot and he just yelled “MOM. THIS MAKES ME NEED SUNTAN LOTION FOR MY NUTS!” Snow day fun right there.